"Your the same guy i think about when i cry at night,but then again your the same guy that told me everything would be alright.Your the same guy that claimed to like me,but the same guy who really hurt me.Your the same guy that stays on my mind,but the same guy i want to die.Your the same guy that showed me love,but the same guy who broke my heart in two.Your the same guy i fell for,the same guy i'd kill for,and the same guy i'd die for.Your the same guy that f**king hurt me,and the same guy that caused this pain,Your the same guy that i carved into my flesh his name.Your the same guy that tore me apart,but you will always and forever be that same guy that StOle my *heart*... "
I got that from somewhere.
- So I just got back from T'ganu.T'ganu was fine tho it was pretty hot.The travelling part sucked too.The best part about being in T'ganu was I got the chance to become the ultimate village girl! I actually wore a kain batik.Not that I got it right but it was fun wearing it.My cousin's wife actually laughed at me coz I looked weird wearing a kain batik.Wait.No.She laughed at me coz I walked as if I was wearing a kimono.Ahaks.Can you blame me?Even my mom doesnt wear a kain batik let alone myself.At least I made an effort.Bought stuff for people.Bought clothes for the kids tho I know I wont be seeing Ain or Lina anytime soon coz they left for states and will only be coming back next friday.
-Food was awesome.The best part about being in T'ganu.Joshua was with me.He was in my mind always.Pathetic innit?I thought I'd be able to see him tonight.He didnt even reply the msges I left last week.Hmm.
- Joshua,if you're reading this,pls do not laugh at me.I need time to move on.I need time to heal,I think.But actually,part of me doesnt want to move on,doesnt want to get over you.I need to go to the phycotic hospital now.I'm insane.
toodles~
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
Strong.
-Yesterday I saw Star Wars.AWESOME.I have the hots for Hayden.Can he be my husband if I were to get married someday?*dang*
- I tendered my resignation yesterday.I wasnt as excited as I used to.I didnt want to quit yesterday.And so,I came to work today looking for Alice and found out that she's on leave.I asked Rizal to call Alice for me.He did and I asked Alice if I could take back my resignation,and she said yes.BUT I have to talk to Mr.Ong first which I did later.But not talk,talk.I text him.And he said,'I'm glad that you're considering in staying with us'.I was like 'DUH'.Of course,I did not say that instead I replied,'Thank you!'
- Today,I realize just how precious my work is.How much I love my work tho Parames annoys me time to time.The mere thought of other people taking over my job and my position,annoyed me.What I do may be tiring,but at the end of the day,you're satisfied coz you know that what you saw,it was your own.You did that.I couldnt have asked a better job,manager and collegues.
- Vijay did my appraisal today and boy was I shocked when I saw my marks.It's above average.I got a friggin 75/100! I thought I'd get 40/100.Coz I played alot around him.He said that I'm responsible and frenly and organised and fun to work with.LOL.I was supposed to fast but I didnt and Yuzni did so I had to eat with her at 7pm instead of 4pm.I was STARVING.I havent had a friggin meal the whole day.We went to McD.Both of us had 2 DOUBLE CHEESE BURGERS.LOL.And after that,I had famous amos cookies.So much for starvation huh?
- Today,Yuzni and I had to entertain a customer who in the end called us both stupid.You're stupid,stupid chinese lady.If we didnt have that 'customers are always right' policy,I wouldve called her a bitch but I since I said Im loving my job,instead of calling her a stupid bitch,I stood there smiling and nodding.A stupid thing to do but I didnt have much of a choice.Her daughter was obviously embarassed with her mother coz she kept saying 'shut up and pay mother'.It was a freakin renewal for a freakin card!She said that she got a freakin auto-renewal last time and demanded the same thing today.But the thing is,there's no such thing as auto-renewal.It has never happened in MPH's history.She's so lying.I so know it.But since she's a customer,she got herself a free-renewal.Stupid spoilt chinese lady.And no I have nothing against chinese girls/ladies.Just this one in specific.
- I saw someone who looked terribly and horribly familliar last night while watching Star Wars.I hope that was not him.Coz if that was him,I'd just die.He was a lady and a girl.I hope that was not him.That was not him.
- Did I tell you that I'm in love?So in love with this band,My Chemical Romance.And oh,I so want that gypsy skirt.I so have to buy it after I get back from T'ganu.I'm going to highlight my hair again next week too.And oh,I'm going back to T'ganu this friday and will only be back on Tuesday.I'll see you then.I hope I see Joshua tomorrow.
IM OUT.
- I tendered my resignation yesterday.I wasnt as excited as I used to.I didnt want to quit yesterday.And so,I came to work today looking for Alice and found out that she's on leave.I asked Rizal to call Alice for me.He did and I asked Alice if I could take back my resignation,and she said yes.BUT I have to talk to Mr.Ong first which I did later.But not talk,talk.I text him.And he said,'I'm glad that you're considering in staying with us'.I was like 'DUH'.Of course,I did not say that instead I replied,'Thank you!'
- Today,I realize just how precious my work is.How much I love my work tho Parames annoys me time to time.The mere thought of other people taking over my job and my position,annoyed me.What I do may be tiring,but at the end of the day,you're satisfied coz you know that what you saw,it was your own.You did that.I couldnt have asked a better job,manager and collegues.
- Vijay did my appraisal today and boy was I shocked when I saw my marks.It's above average.I got a friggin 75/100! I thought I'd get 40/100.Coz I played alot around him.He said that I'm responsible and frenly and organised and fun to work with.LOL.I was supposed to fast but I didnt and Yuzni did so I had to eat with her at 7pm instead of 4pm.I was STARVING.I havent had a friggin meal the whole day.We went to McD.Both of us had 2 DOUBLE CHEESE BURGERS.LOL.And after that,I had famous amos cookies.So much for starvation huh?
- Today,Yuzni and I had to entertain a customer who in the end called us both stupid.You're stupid,stupid chinese lady.If we didnt have that 'customers are always right' policy,I wouldve called her a bitch but I since I said Im loving my job,instead of calling her a stupid bitch,I stood there smiling and nodding.A stupid thing to do but I didnt have much of a choice.Her daughter was obviously embarassed with her mother coz she kept saying 'shut up and pay mother'.It was a freakin renewal for a freakin card!She said that she got a freakin auto-renewal last time and demanded the same thing today.But the thing is,there's no such thing as auto-renewal.It has never happened in MPH's history.She's so lying.I so know it.But since she's a customer,she got herself a free-renewal.Stupid spoilt chinese lady.And no I have nothing against chinese girls/ladies.Just this one in specific.
- I saw someone who looked terribly and horribly familliar last night while watching Star Wars.I hope that was not him.Coz if that was him,I'd just die.He was a lady and a girl.I hope that was not him.That was not him.
- Did I tell you that I'm in love?So in love with this band,My Chemical Romance.And oh,I so want that gypsy skirt.I so have to buy it after I get back from T'ganu.I'm going to highlight my hair again next week too.And oh,I'm going back to T'ganu this friday and will only be back on Tuesday.I'll see you then.I hope I see Joshua tomorrow.
IM OUT.
Sunday, May 22, 2005
Emotionless.
- So,I just found out today that Vijay will be doing my appraisal.Tough luck knowing that I dont really fancy him.But then again,Im luckier than Parames.K.Yati will be doing hers.Not that K.Yati is aweful,its just that the two of them dont click.Nah.They cant stand each other.That was why Parames left the office and ruined my life outside.Actually,I dont really give a shit if Vijay's doing my appraisal since I'm leaving really soon.I'll miss my bonus.Haih.That's a month salary mind you!
- Today was ok I think.I got the chance to bond more with Patience.Did I tell you that I think she's a doll?*dang* Jega approved my leave tomorrow.Planning to watch Star Wars Episode 3:Revenge of the Sith.Oh Hayden~I lied to Jega just becoz of Star Wars.No correction.Just becoz of Hayden.My Hayden.
- Hey Im still here waiting for Joshua to show up.It has been a week since I last spoke to him.And I waited for him everyday.And no exception today.I am so stupid arent I?I trust people that had broken their promises before.Eg:My mom.She said she'd pay for college.She didnt say it once.Not twice but 3 times.And in the end,I was left to bleed.She wants me to re-take my math paper but I just cant see the point since my dad asked me to do a resume so that he could send it to his fren.And maybe just maybe,he could get me a job in a friggin bank.Oh joy~~
I told my mom once that I DO NOT enjoy working 9-5.I am not that kind of person.I'd get bored easily.Did she listen?NO.She kept saying that you study coz you want to work,and now that you're working....You get my point?
- Im just so sick of everything.Ive been lied constantly as if I dont feel a friggin thing.And Im so sick of waiting.I should really move on.I shouldnt wait,see and talk to Joshua anymore.Thats the best way.Coz I really dont think I'd be ok if he tells me he's with someone else.I really dont think I could take it.I love him separuh mati.Ahh..FUCK LOVE.
IM OUT.
- Today was ok I think.I got the chance to bond more with Patience.Did I tell you that I think she's a doll?*dang* Jega approved my leave tomorrow.Planning to watch Star Wars Episode 3:Revenge of the Sith.Oh Hayden~I lied to Jega just becoz of Star Wars.No correction.Just becoz of Hayden.My Hayden.
- Hey Im still here waiting for Joshua to show up.It has been a week since I last spoke to him.And I waited for him everyday.And no exception today.I am so stupid arent I?I trust people that had broken their promises before.Eg:My mom.She said she'd pay for college.She didnt say it once.Not twice but 3 times.And in the end,I was left to bleed.She wants me to re-take my math paper but I just cant see the point since my dad asked me to do a resume so that he could send it to his fren.And maybe just maybe,he could get me a job in a friggin bank.Oh joy~~
I told my mom once that I DO NOT enjoy working 9-5.I am not that kind of person.I'd get bored easily.Did she listen?NO.She kept saying that you study coz you want to work,and now that you're working....You get my point?
- Im just so sick of everything.Ive been lied constantly as if I dont feel a friggin thing.And Im so sick of waiting.I should really move on.I shouldnt wait,see and talk to Joshua anymore.Thats the best way.Coz I really dont think I'd be ok if he tells me he's with someone else.I really dont think I could take it.I love him separuh mati.Ahh..FUCK LOVE.
IM OUT.
Friday, May 20, 2005
#%@*&~~+=$%#
- I was reading Hil's blog and it made me realize how boring my life is.I mean really.She's enjoying her life.She's in college and she's doing masscom.She has nice frens.I want that.I want to study and meet other people.The people that I work with backstabs.Plus they're much much older than me.Married and some can be so dirty.He can just talk to me as if I dont have integrity.I dont want that.Wish my parents know how much I want to study.
- Went to carrefour with my sisters and Qarl.And that was it.That was all that I did the whole day.No that was all that I did for 2 days.Came back home from carrefour and sleep.Pathetic innit?I really cant stand staying at home.My dad has been really strict nowadays.The thing is,strict to me.I cant wear cheap sunglasses coz they're cheap.And he wants me to buy the blardy overpriced sunglasses.What about buy it for me?I cant wear handbags too.Just me.My sisters can and I cant.If I have a choice,I dont even want to bring along a handbag.But I have to put my wallet and my phone and car keys.The most saddest part.I cant watch tv.He said Im wasting my time.That's why Im a failure.He didnt say it but that was what he meant.I was watching American Idol.I was with my sister.But I was the only one that couldnt watch tv.I couldnt do a damn thing.Why does he hate me so much?
- I cant study.I cant wear sunglasses.I cant wear handbags.I cant watch tv.Whats left for me to do? The next thing I know,I cant even go online.I hate my life on this right very moment.
- I want to move out.I want to starve myself.I want to vent.
- Went to carrefour with my sisters and Qarl.And that was it.That was all that I did the whole day.No that was all that I did for 2 days.Came back home from carrefour and sleep.Pathetic innit?I really cant stand staying at home.My dad has been really strict nowadays.The thing is,strict to me.I cant wear cheap sunglasses coz they're cheap.And he wants me to buy the blardy overpriced sunglasses.What about buy it for me?I cant wear handbags too.Just me.My sisters can and I cant.If I have a choice,I dont even want to bring along a handbag.But I have to put my wallet and my phone and car keys.The most saddest part.I cant watch tv.He said Im wasting my time.That's why Im a failure.He didnt say it but that was what he meant.I was watching American Idol.I was with my sister.But I was the only one that couldnt watch tv.I couldnt do a damn thing.Why does he hate me so much?
- I cant study.I cant wear sunglasses.I cant wear handbags.I cant watch tv.Whats left for me to do? The next thing I know,I cant even go online.I hate my life on this right very moment.
- I want to move out.I want to starve myself.I want to vent.
S.U.R.V.E.Y.
*Anger Section*
.do you have a quick temper? :
= Yes,I do.
.what do you do when you're mad? :
=> If I'm really pissed,I'd stay quiet.But you can tell by my actions.
.what's the worst thing you've done when you
were mad? :
=> I hurt people.With words.Like I said,I am not much of a talker when Im pissed.I'd say stuff that would hurt where it hurts the most.
.if you can take back time, would you have
never done this?
=> Nupes.
.ever made anyone cry when you were
mad?
=> Yes.
.ever physically hurt someone when you were
mad?
=> Yeah.
.do you curse when you're mad?
=> No.Im quiet most of the time.
*Crying Section*
.when was the last time you really cried your
heart out?
=> Last night.I went to sleep at 5 am.Did my maths.But I really miss Josh.Im so pathetic.lol.
.ever cried yourself to sleep?
=> Yes.Last night.
.ever cried on your friend's shoulder?
=> No.No one has ever seen me cry.
.ever cried over the opposite sex?
=> Yes.Stupid eyh?
.do you cry when you get an injury?
=> No.
.do certain songs make you cry?
=> Yes.I still cry listening to Incubus's 'I MISS YOU'.
.can you make yourself cry?
=> Yes.
.are you sensetive ?
=> I'm so overly sensitive.I may look like I dont have feelings but honestly,Im very fragile.
*Pain Section*
.what's the hardest thing you've ever had to go
through?
=> I lost my soulmate.I've been thru alot.I do not want to ponder back on the past.Im ready to move on.I hope.
.what's the worst thing you've done to yourself?
=> Ive starved myself.More like crash diet.
.what's the worst thing you've done to somebody
else?
=> I hurt him with my choice of words.
.how depressed can you get?
=> Depressed enough to cut myself and actually happy seeing the blood flowing.
*Happy Section*
.are you normally a happy person?
=> I look like a happy person.
.what can make you happy?
=> Josh used to make me happy.He could easily make me happy by showing up.But now..I dont know.
.do you wish you were happier?
=> How I wish..You have no idea how hard I wish to be more happier.
.what makes you the happiest?
=> Nothing really.Im unhappy.I hate my job.Im not studying.I lost Josh.Probably yum-cha-ing.
.what about being with your friends, does that
make you happy?
=> Of course.But there's fear here and there.
.can music make you happy?
=> Not happy enough to actually show it.
*Love Section*
.have you ever loved someone so much, that
you'd die for them?
=> Would I look dumb if I say yes? YES.
.
did you ever love a person, tell them that,
=> I told him that everyday.Not anymore.
.ever loved someone so much, it hurt and made
you cry?
=> Yes.I know its over but Im still hurting and crying.How long does it take to move one?I mean it has been 2 friggin months.
.has anyone besides your friends and family
ever said 'i love you' to you?
=> Yes.
.do you have a quick temper? :
= Yes,I do.
.what do you do when you're mad? :
=> If I'm really pissed,I'd stay quiet.But you can tell by my actions.
.what's the worst thing you've done when you
were mad? :
=> I hurt people.With words.Like I said,I am not much of a talker when Im pissed.I'd say stuff that would hurt where it hurts the most.
.if you can take back time, would you have
never done this?
=> Nupes.
.ever made anyone cry when you were
mad?
=> Yes.
.ever physically hurt someone when you were
mad?
=> Yeah.
.do you curse when you're mad?
=> No.Im quiet most of the time.
*Crying Section*
.when was the last time you really cried your
heart out?
=> Last night.I went to sleep at 5 am.Did my maths.But I really miss Josh.Im so pathetic.lol.
.ever cried yourself to sleep?
=> Yes.Last night.
.ever cried on your friend's shoulder?
=> No.No one has ever seen me cry.
.ever cried over the opposite sex?
=> Yes.Stupid eyh?
.do you cry when you get an injury?
=> No.
.do certain songs make you cry?
=> Yes.I still cry listening to Incubus's 'I MISS YOU'.
.can you make yourself cry?
=> Yes.
.are you sensetive ?
=> I'm so overly sensitive.I may look like I dont have feelings but honestly,Im very fragile.
*Pain Section*
.what's the hardest thing you've ever had to go
through?
=> I lost my soulmate.I've been thru alot.I do not want to ponder back on the past.Im ready to move on.I hope.
.what's the worst thing you've done to yourself?
=> Ive starved myself.More like crash diet.
.what's the worst thing you've done to somebody
else?
=> I hurt him with my choice of words.
.how depressed can you get?
=> Depressed enough to cut myself and actually happy seeing the blood flowing.
*Happy Section*
.are you normally a happy person?
=> I look like a happy person.
.what can make you happy?
=> Josh used to make me happy.He could easily make me happy by showing up.But now..I dont know.
.do you wish you were happier?
=> How I wish..You have no idea how hard I wish to be more happier.
.what makes you the happiest?
=> Nothing really.Im unhappy.I hate my job.Im not studying.I lost Josh.Probably yum-cha-ing.
.what about being with your friends, does that
make you happy?
=> Of course.But there's fear here and there.
.can music make you happy?
=> Not happy enough to actually show it.
*Love Section*
.have you ever loved someone so much, that
you'd die for them?
=> Would I look dumb if I say yes? YES.
.
did you ever love a person, tell them that,
=> I told him that everyday.Not anymore.
.ever loved someone so much, it hurt and made
you cry?
=> Yes.I know its over but Im still hurting and crying.How long does it take to move one?I mean it has been 2 friggin months.
.has anyone besides your friends and family
ever said 'i love you' to you?
=> Yes.
Random shit.
- Just finished typing my resignation letter.Cant wait to quit.
- Would it sound so rediculous if I say that I've lost trust in people?
- Am I so stupid to wait for a guy? I have feelings for him..All that made me sound so pathetic.And sad.Im so into the guy and is he into me as much as Im into him?
- I could never understand guys.They would never appreciate the things that we do.I dont want them to say 'I LOVE YOU' and not mean it.I'd prefer them not say and show it.Say and show would be better.But then again,I dont believe in love anymore.I dont wanna get involved with a guy anymore.I'll drool over a guy,of course.Im a girl arent I? But into a relationship?No farking way.Love does not last eternity.At least,not for me coz Ive never seen it.
- I want to get rid of the feelings that I have now.Maybe I want to break my promises since he thinks that I broke mine already.
- Dee,just shut up.I GIVE UP.Give up on everything.My education.My relationship with Josh.My work.My life.I'll just go with the flow.
- Would it sound so rediculous if I say that I've lost trust in people?
- Am I so stupid to wait for a guy? I have feelings for him..All that made me sound so pathetic.And sad.Im so into the guy and is he into me as much as Im into him?
- I could never understand guys.They would never appreciate the things that we do.I dont want them to say 'I LOVE YOU' and not mean it.I'd prefer them not say and show it.Say and show would be better.But then again,I dont believe in love anymore.I dont wanna get involved with a guy anymore.I'll drool over a guy,of course.Im a girl arent I? But into a relationship?No farking way.Love does not last eternity.At least,not for me coz Ive never seen it.
- I want to get rid of the feelings that I have now.Maybe I want to break my promises since he thinks that I broke mine already.
- Dee,just shut up.I GIVE UP.Give up on everything.My education.My relationship with Josh.My work.My life.I'll just go with the flow.
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
what goes up , must come down.
- In my last post,I said that I have almost everything.But now everything that I thought I had is now all gone.My mom now seems to have a changed of mind about paying my college fees.I was excited about quitting.And I dont know whether I should or shouldnt quit.I mean,I cant stand working but I dont want to just stay at home.I knew my mom would change her mind about college.But then,I wasnt sure that she would but some parts of me told me that she will,eventually.I guess Ive never believed what that part of me said.I believed her.And now everything's falling apart.Im falling apart.
- My dad said what Im interested in does not matter.Its what Im good at does.That would mean tessel.I dont want to do tessel.I mean if I dont have interest,I cant do it.I just cant.And he said that if he pays for college he wants to take control of my life.And if I suck in college,he'll make my life a total hell.He didnt say that of course.But it sure was what he meant.He said that 30k is a big investment.In short he doesnt want to pay.He wants me to do a resume so that he can pass it to his fren so that his fren could give me a job in a bank.I dont wanna work anymore.Doesnt he has any kind of pity for me?Im 18 and I should be studying and I really want to study.I thought all parents wants their kids to study.Im not exaggerating.That was what he did/say to me.
- I thought my life would be something like my sister's or just a wee bit different.But mine now is far off.Every family has a black sheep.And in mine,me.I could never make my parents proud.Never was,never will.Never did I hear my parents complimented me.It was always k.zz,abang,k.eleen and baby.It was always them.Never me.
- Can I just move out?
- I wonder what its like to have an impact in other people's life.Im just 'that girl' in everyone's life.Sometimes I want to be the 'it girl' in someone's life.lol.Am I making sense?I guess not.
- My dad said what Im interested in does not matter.Its what Im good at does.That would mean tessel.I dont want to do tessel.I mean if I dont have interest,I cant do it.I just cant.And he said that if he pays for college he wants to take control of my life.And if I suck in college,he'll make my life a total hell.He didnt say that of course.But it sure was what he meant.He said that 30k is a big investment.In short he doesnt want to pay.He wants me to do a resume so that he can pass it to his fren so that his fren could give me a job in a bank.I dont wanna work anymore.Doesnt he has any kind of pity for me?Im 18 and I should be studying and I really want to study.I thought all parents wants their kids to study.Im not exaggerating.That was what he did/say to me.
- I thought my life would be something like my sister's or just a wee bit different.But mine now is far off.Every family has a black sheep.And in mine,me.I could never make my parents proud.Never was,never will.Never did I hear my parents complimented me.It was always k.zz,abang,k.eleen and baby.It was always them.Never me.
- Can I just move out?
- I wonder what its like to have an impact in other people's life.Im just 'that girl' in everyone's life.Sometimes I want to be the 'it girl' in someone's life.lol.Am I making sense?I guess not.
Monday, May 16, 2005
Regresa a mi.
Like,whatever..lol.Hear me out.I came up with this last night.
" Some people come into our lives and quickly go,
Some stay and leave footprints on our hearts,
And we are never,ever the same."
- That's just me of course.But thats rather true innit?
- Today somehow I was dead busy.There was so many things to do and so little time.But knowing me.I procrastinate alot.So I wasted alot of time dreaming of my eyecandy.Ahaks.I have another eyecandy.Gesshh.He's so hot.Im burning.LOL.No la.I'm just so into guys.I appreciate gods creation.I do.Eyecandy is something that I dont need but I want.My food on the other hand is something I want and I truly need.Eyecandy=Justin + N.. and food= Joshua.Im a pathetic twit.Im in denial.So what?
- And tomorrow I'll be twice as busy.I have to do the damn PO(purchase order).I have been delaying that lonely planet PO for almost a week edi.And tomorrow Jesse's coming.Haih.So pathetic.I like today coz today NO PARAMES NO JEGA and NO VIJAY.And when there's NO JEGA,PARAMES AND VIJAY,its a total happiness.
- Think Im going to start baking again.It has been a damn while.I dont think I know how to bake now.lol.Bought a book on baking.And if I'm in the mood,I'll bake on thurs.Or fri.My day off.Maybe not friday coz I might wanna watch Star Wars:Revenge of the Sith.Oh Hayden.*Drool*
- Today I was so hooked up with work that I did not have the time to think about my personal problems.Thats awesome weih.One of my colleague asked me how can I be so cheerful and happy.Stupid question really.When you're busy,you dont have to time to think about other shits.You have to focus on your job.And come to think again,why on earth would I want to be all sappy and sad?Put aside that I lost Josh,I have almost everything.I will be going to college and study (whee),I'll be leaving PARAMES,JEGA and VIJAY and I'm looking forward to see my babies.Babies = my nieces and nephews.Fuck my lonelines shit.I am lonely but what can I do?
- People look at me and just judge me.They dont even know me.It seems that I dont live up to people's expectation.They look at me and think that I smoke,overly social,clubbing,drinking.Do I look that social? I get that alot.Even Nabilla told me.She was really shocked when I told her the things that I like to do when Im not working.I like hanging out.But just at mamaks or the mall.And I dont go out at night.And if I do,Im always with family.Its just sad,really.But then again,it proves that the qoute
" Dont Judge a book by it's cover" is true.
Its just so sad.I dont even have much frens to begin with.Frens to hang out.Always,it'll be Hil or Fudge or Yuzni.But most of the time Hil.I dont even have guy frens to hang out with.Can you really blame them?I literally chase them away.lol.So tell me again,whats so social about me?
- I miss Josh.I miss Josh.I miss Josh.I miss Josh.I miss Josh.I'm being pathetic arent I?yEAH.iM in a bad denial.Who wants me now?Now that Im like..this.
IM OUT.
" Some people come into our lives and quickly go,
Some stay and leave footprints on our hearts,
And we are never,ever the same."
- That's just me of course.But thats rather true innit?
- Today somehow I was dead busy.There was so many things to do and so little time.But knowing me.I procrastinate alot.So I wasted alot of time dreaming of my eyecandy.Ahaks.I have another eyecandy.Gesshh.He's so hot.Im burning.LOL.No la.I'm just so into guys.I appreciate gods creation.I do.Eyecandy is something that I dont need but I want.My food on the other hand is something I want and I truly need.Eyecandy=Justin + N.. and food= Joshua.Im a pathetic twit.Im in denial.So what?
- And tomorrow I'll be twice as busy.I have to do the damn PO(purchase order).I have been delaying that lonely planet PO for almost a week edi.And tomorrow Jesse's coming.Haih.So pathetic.I like today coz today NO PARAMES NO JEGA and NO VIJAY.And when there's NO JEGA,PARAMES AND VIJAY,its a total happiness.
- Think Im going to start baking again.It has been a damn while.I dont think I know how to bake now.lol.Bought a book on baking.And if I'm in the mood,I'll bake on thurs.Or fri.My day off.Maybe not friday coz I might wanna watch Star Wars:Revenge of the Sith.Oh Hayden.*Drool*
- Today I was so hooked up with work that I did not have the time to think about my personal problems.Thats awesome weih.One of my colleague asked me how can I be so cheerful and happy.Stupid question really.When you're busy,you dont have to time to think about other shits.You have to focus on your job.And come to think again,why on earth would I want to be all sappy and sad?Put aside that I lost Josh,I have almost everything.I will be going to college and study (whee),I'll be leaving PARAMES,JEGA and VIJAY and I'm looking forward to see my babies.Babies = my nieces and nephews.Fuck my lonelines shit.I am lonely but what can I do?
- People look at me and just judge me.They dont even know me.It seems that I dont live up to people's expectation.They look at me and think that I smoke,overly social,clubbing,drinking.Do I look that social? I get that alot.Even Nabilla told me.She was really shocked when I told her the things that I like to do when Im not working.I like hanging out.But just at mamaks or the mall.And I dont go out at night.And if I do,Im always with family.Its just sad,really.But then again,it proves that the qoute
" Dont Judge a book by it's cover" is true.
Its just so sad.I dont even have much frens to begin with.Frens to hang out.Always,it'll be Hil or Fudge or Yuzni.But most of the time Hil.I dont even have guy frens to hang out with.Can you really blame them?I literally chase them away.lol.So tell me again,whats so social about me?
- I miss Josh.I miss Josh.I miss Josh.I miss Josh.I miss Josh.I'm being pathetic arent I?yEAH.iM in a bad denial.Who wants me now?Now that Im like..this.
IM OUT.
Thursday, May 12, 2005
dark dreamer.....
People say that you wouldnt know what you're missing,until you've lost/missed it.I know what that quote means now.I know Ive been writing about the same thing over and over again.But I just cant seem to get rid of this guilt and regret in me.There was so many things I could've avoided.So many words that shouldve remained unsaid but sadly,I've said it and I dont think I could forgive myself for saying and for hurting the person that I care.I was stupid and blind.I didnt know what I had until I lost it.In specific,I lost him.I just cant seem to get over him.I cant.I really cant.Everything here reminds me of him.It has been 2 months or less or more.I dont know.I dont keep up with break-ups.It has been 2 months and I should be healing now but Im not.It gets worst.I hate me for saying it.I hate me for saying that 3 words."I want out".Haih.Silly me.
- All around today was a good day.Did not have a good start but it was better later in the afternoon and evening.Went to Taylor's College with Hilly.It was fun.That's my soon to be college!I hope.I try not to get too excited.But Im soo thrilled coz I'll be quitting my job real soon.I cant work anymore.I cant stand Parames.And I really cannot keep up with Mr.Ong.Not that he's a bad manager,trust me,he is the best but he's a workaholic.Go figure.
- Lunch at Pyramid's.Dave's Deli.Lagi.lol.Balik2 Dave's Deli.But the food's great innit Hilly darl?Watched the World's 5 Ice Hockey tournament.Talk about major eye candy.WOAH weih.I really thought that the Beijing team had chinese players but all of them seems to be umm..mat salleh's.lol.But hot all the same.UMM..Singapore's goalie's looked hot too but too bad coz he looked like a kid.Maybe he is a kid.All in all,Ice Hockey is addictive.I might want to go and watch the game again tomorrow.Who knows?
- All around today was a good day.Did not have a good start but it was better later in the afternoon and evening.Went to Taylor's College with Hilly.It was fun.That's my soon to be college!I hope.I try not to get too excited.But Im soo thrilled coz I'll be quitting my job real soon.I cant work anymore.I cant stand Parames.And I really cannot keep up with Mr.Ong.Not that he's a bad manager,trust me,he is the best but he's a workaholic.Go figure.
- Lunch at Pyramid's.Dave's Deli.Lagi.lol.Balik2 Dave's Deli.But the food's great innit Hilly darl?Watched the World's 5 Ice Hockey tournament.Talk about major eye candy.WOAH weih.I really thought that the Beijing team had chinese players but all of them seems to be umm..mat salleh's.lol.But hot all the same.UMM..Singapore's goalie's looked hot too but too bad coz he looked like a kid.Maybe he is a kid.All in all,Ice Hockey is addictive.I might want to go and watch the game again tomorrow.Who knows?
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
I want to hurt parames!
-Parames has got to stop interfering with my books.Period.I know she has this thing with my books.She wants them.She likes them.She once asked me to switch departments but I said no coz Mr Ong gave me my departments.Sure,its alot of hardwork but its mine so Im responsible for it.She should really take her hands off my books.She's being a real bitch now and she sure doesnt know who she's messing with.Me.A bonafide rarity.lol.She wants a bitch and she'll have a bitch.She'll tell Jega all about it and see if he'll issue me a warning letter.Maybe I'll report to Mr Ong.Coz he sure doesnt have the right to issue me the letter.I'll make her life in MPH a living hell for a month and a half.Coz Im quitting soon.
- I am missing Hydir.No doubt.He's like a brother to me.Can you believe that the company fired him without a concrite proof?WTF?For all they might know,he could be innocent.Its going to be hard working without Hydir.He was always abled to make me smile when I was down.And he still hasnt called me.Hmm.Guess he's busy with his gf.lol.Whateverla.Malas nak pikir bende remeh temeh nie.
- I want Hilly to design more henna on my hand.Maybe Brandon Boyd's tibetan tattoo?lol.And I want to highlight my hair again.
- My life hasnt been great.It has been awful but I think Im coping with it.I try to be stronger.I try.Family matters is getting worse but Im dealing with it.Im excited now that my mom said that she'll pay for college.But who knows what may happen in the future?I want to study and I will soon right?I hope so.
- Joshua wise.I havent been seing him lately.He mustve been busy with his job and life.Its nice to see him once in a while.I want to know what's new in his life.I want us to be good frens!best of frens!
- I am missing Hydir.No doubt.He's like a brother to me.Can you believe that the company fired him without a concrite proof?WTF?For all they might know,he could be innocent.Its going to be hard working without Hydir.He was always abled to make me smile when I was down.And he still hasnt called me.Hmm.Guess he's busy with his gf.lol.Whateverla.Malas nak pikir bende remeh temeh nie.
- I want Hilly to design more henna on my hand.Maybe Brandon Boyd's tibetan tattoo?lol.And I want to highlight my hair again.
- My life hasnt been great.It has been awful but I think Im coping with it.I try to be stronger.I try.Family matters is getting worse but Im dealing with it.Im excited now that my mom said that she'll pay for college.But who knows what may happen in the future?I want to study and I will soon right?I hope so.
- Joshua wise.I havent been seing him lately.He mustve been busy with his job and life.Its nice to see him once in a while.I want to know what's new in his life.I want us to be good frens!best of frens!
Sunday, May 08, 2005
a compilation
My pc has been a real pain in my smelly arse lately.I wasnt able to go online.Stupid pc.Thats why I havent been blogging.But I did my homework.
05.05.05
-Nice date innit?I have a question in mind.How do I erase the past?I cant right?Everything that has happened,happened for a reason innit?But what are the reasons?So ok,I cant erase the past.So maybe you can help me erase the guilt that I have?
-What I hate now is that I do things without giving a deep thought before I freaking do it.And it haunts me.It scares me.I have to admit Im very needy.With all the things thats happening,I have the every right to be needy.Because Im too needy,I tend to annoy people.I just want a person that I could be needy with.Someone who wont diss me like a guy that I know.Stupid bastard.He came on to me and diss me?Fuck you! I guess I aint all that cute now huh?I think I should be ashamed that a guy dissed me but Im not.He taught me a valueble lesson.NEVER TRUST SWEET TALKERS.Period.I sure didnt see it coming.I thought I've found a person that would listen to my shit.He was listening to me and gave my advises.I thought he cared a little if not a lot but I guess he didnt care at all.I believed half the things he said.I really dont know what went wrong.And suddenly a text from him,dissing me?WTF?BTW,please dont think I like him coz I really dont.Joshua has not given me my heart back and I really want him to keep it.What I regret the most was that Ive opened up to him.I told him my darkest secret (well,not really).The things that bothered me.The things I hadnt told anyone.I trusted him.I thought he cared.But he didnt.He's just like everybody else.He's just one of my acquaitances.Acquaitances that I dont want or need.
06.05.05
- I know for a fact that some guys are big time arses.Rewind,I said some so if you terase,maybe you are one and you tak,congrats and I wish you and your partner well.Personally I think Joshua is the greatest.I really dont think I can find another with his qualities and trust me the people that Ive met arent even close to Joshua's qualities.He's responsible,not selfish,not afraid of commitment,independent and definately the nicest guy ever tho I havent seen him in a while.You rock Joshy dear and Im certain that you will make a girl really happy like how you made me feel undescribably happy and special.But sadly,I was so dumb that I lost him.My bad.It would take me eternity for me to forgive myself after what I said or did to him.He didnt deserved it.I didnt deserve him.Every that happened,happened for a reason.Maybe it was meant to be.Our break up that is.Maybe we're meant to be BUT we need to cool things off first then be together again.Or maybe we're better off as frens.Actually there's alot of possibilities.We dont know what in store for us.
- Girls has put in mind their ideal quality in a guy.Some wants their guy to be nice,sweet,romantic,religious and the list is never ending.But if you ask me,I'd say I want a guy who doesnt have my dad's qualities.I'd rather be alone rather than having a husband like him.NO BLARDY WAY.But then again the guy can deceive me.Just like how my dad deceived my mom.Do you honestly think that my mom was stupid to marry a cold hearted guy?If my mom knew,she wouldnt have married him.He deceived her.My mom got to know the real him after their wedding.I am paranoid.That's why I dont have guys hanging around me.I scare them away.Even the one that I truly love.Its really hard to trust guys when you have to a dad like mine.Coz most girls want a guy like their dad to be their husbands.Most of them look up to their dads.But I dont and he gave me the impression that no guy is worth trusting.He made me think that every guy cheats,beats and lies to their wives.
-This is going to sound blardy crazy but Im really curious on what the future has for me.Will I have a great guy like Joshua and get married and have 3 kids?(I always wanted 3 kids coz if you have more,you wont have time for yourself and husband) OR will I end up alone?OR will I end up with a guy like my dad?
08.05.05
- Today's Mother's day.I wanted to get something for mine but after what she said to me this afternoon,I cancelled it.
- I want this book."Live alone and be happy about it".I want.
Oh.Im soooooooo getting angels&demons the illustrated version...Soooo getting it..I dont know why they increased the price.its RM 135.90.da vinci illustrated was RM119.90.Im getting 2.im getting the other one for......you know who you are.Im serious.
05.05.05
-Nice date innit?I have a question in mind.How do I erase the past?I cant right?Everything that has happened,happened for a reason innit?But what are the reasons?So ok,I cant erase the past.So maybe you can help me erase the guilt that I have?
-What I hate now is that I do things without giving a deep thought before I freaking do it.And it haunts me.It scares me.I have to admit Im very needy.With all the things thats happening,I have the every right to be needy.Because Im too needy,I tend to annoy people.I just want a person that I could be needy with.Someone who wont diss me like a guy that I know.Stupid bastard.He came on to me and diss me?Fuck you! I guess I aint all that cute now huh?I think I should be ashamed that a guy dissed me but Im not.He taught me a valueble lesson.NEVER TRUST SWEET TALKERS.Period.I sure didnt see it coming.I thought I've found a person that would listen to my shit.He was listening to me and gave my advises.I thought he cared a little if not a lot but I guess he didnt care at all.I believed half the things he said.I really dont know what went wrong.And suddenly a text from him,dissing me?WTF?BTW,please dont think I like him coz I really dont.Joshua has not given me my heart back and I really want him to keep it.What I regret the most was that Ive opened up to him.I told him my darkest secret (well,not really).The things that bothered me.The things I hadnt told anyone.I trusted him.I thought he cared.But he didnt.He's just like everybody else.He's just one of my acquaitances.Acquaitances that I dont want or need.
06.05.05
- I know for a fact that some guys are big time arses.Rewind,I said some so if you terase,maybe you are one and you tak,congrats and I wish you and your partner well.Personally I think Joshua is the greatest.I really dont think I can find another with his qualities and trust me the people that Ive met arent even close to Joshua's qualities.He's responsible,not selfish,not afraid of commitment,independent and definately the nicest guy ever tho I havent seen him in a while.You rock Joshy dear and Im certain that you will make a girl really happy like how you made me feel undescribably happy and special.But sadly,I was so dumb that I lost him.My bad.It would take me eternity for me to forgive myself after what I said or did to him.He didnt deserved it.I didnt deserve him.Every that happened,happened for a reason.Maybe it was meant to be.Our break up that is.Maybe we're meant to be BUT we need to cool things off first then be together again.Or maybe we're better off as frens.Actually there's alot of possibilities.We dont know what in store for us.
- Girls has put in mind their ideal quality in a guy.Some wants their guy to be nice,sweet,romantic,religious and the list is never ending.But if you ask me,I'd say I want a guy who doesnt have my dad's qualities.I'd rather be alone rather than having a husband like him.NO BLARDY WAY.But then again the guy can deceive me.Just like how my dad deceived my mom.Do you honestly think that my mom was stupid to marry a cold hearted guy?If my mom knew,she wouldnt have married him.He deceived her.My mom got to know the real him after their wedding.I am paranoid.That's why I dont have guys hanging around me.I scare them away.Even the one that I truly love.Its really hard to trust guys when you have to a dad like mine.Coz most girls want a guy like their dad to be their husbands.Most of them look up to their dads.But I dont and he gave me the impression that no guy is worth trusting.He made me think that every guy cheats,beats and lies to their wives.
-This is going to sound blardy crazy but Im really curious on what the future has for me.Will I have a great guy like Joshua and get married and have 3 kids?(I always wanted 3 kids coz if you have more,you wont have time for yourself and husband) OR will I end up alone?OR will I end up with a guy like my dad?
08.05.05
- Today's Mother's day.I wanted to get something for mine but after what she said to me this afternoon,I cancelled it.
- I want this book."Live alone and be happy about it".I want.
Oh.Im soooooooo getting angels&demons the illustrated version...Soooo getting it..I dont know why they increased the price.its RM 135.90.da vinci illustrated was RM119.90.Im getting 2.im getting the other one for......you know who you are.Im serious.
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