what lies beneath

~ NO MATTER WHAT ~

I know that I should try to find somebody new,
but all I find is myself always thinking of you,
You dont even know it,
And why should you care?
You're happy just pretending Im not even there,
Forever means nothing if I dont spend it with you,
There's nothing more I think I can do,
I try to tell you I love you but you dont stop to listen,
Then I guess you'll never know that Im the one you're missing,
Give me just one minute and look into my eyes,
Forget your frens,
Forget the world,
Forget the pain and lies,
Forget about what people say and other people might see,
All I want you to think about now is what you think of me,
Coz nothing really matters except for the people you love,
And it kills me inside not knowing what you think when you're all Im thinking of,
Maybe Im wrong and you really dont care,
But why sometimes you act so sweet if no feelings are actually there?
All I want is for you to tell me exactly how you feel,
I'd rather be hurt than keep believing that what you say is real,
Whether you tell me you love me or not this will be true,
Nothing in this whole damn world could keep me from loving you.

~Delaila,august 30th 2005~

HOW CAN I?

How can I fly?
With broken wings.
how can i soar?
my wildest dreams.
how can i reach?
the top of the world.
how can i say?
those lovely words.

how can i sing?
when there's no tune.
how can i be happy?
if you cause my life to doom.
how can i feel safe?
if im full of fears.
how can i cry?
if there's no tears.

how can i say i love you?
if you wont listen to me.
how can i show you?
that we're meant to be.
how can i be your fren?
if we never talk.
how can i touch your feelings?
if your heart is locked.

how can i care for you?
if you dont have a heart.
how can i win?
if there's no start.
how can i trust?
if nobody believes me.
how can i fly?
with my broken wings.

i wish i could,
but im not that strong.
when i try,
it always comes out wrong,
how can i survive?
my life without you.
i wish that you realized
that my love is true.

~delaila again.~

Please?

I'd like to think that we did a good job
in doing our project.
But Im not convinced.
But I have faith in Charlene.

I'm so sick of my house.
So sick of everyone in my house.
So sick of being held tied.
Im sick of everything and everyone.

I'd like some peace sometimes.
Leave me be.
Im no kid.
I dont lie.
Please trust me.

Silly thoughts.

It's Merdeka Eve.
I'm here,at home doing my assignments.~Joy~
But then again,I dont celebrate this kind of occasion.
Why am I complaining?

I need to finish up my assignments by tonight
or tomorrow eve.
I just need to.
Im so dead.
Beyond dead.

Had F&B practical today and it wasnt as bad
as I thought it would be.
I thought it would be disasterous.
But it turned out much much better than expected.
Was pretty bumped when we found out that we were not
going to serve Group 4.
We had to look for our own guest,which pretty much
sucked.
But it went well,surprisingly.

I just got a feeling that this week's going suck.
I didnt get a good start this week.
Hopefully it'll change next week.
Im not expecting drastic changes.
But at least some changes.
Good changes.

Oh well.
Here comes my silly thoughts.
Thoughts that I shouldnt pay any attention to.

I should go.
Bye.

Im supposed to do so many things right now.
But Im not doing any of it without
a good reason.
Maybe Im just being lazy.

So many things in my mind.
All trapped inside and I cant get it out.
Days go by without any word from Joshua.
It has been a month since our last conversation.
And I miss him dearly.
I think about him every single day.
Everything here reminds me of him.
What do I do?
How do I move on?
What do I have to do to heal my wounds?
Can I have him back?

I deserve this.
The feeling Im feeling now,I deserve it.
I made promises to Josh and I broke it.
I promised him that I would never leave him.
And I did.
To make it worst,With no good reason.
I freaked out that night.
And now he's happy and moved on,
Im the one who's suffering and crying every pathetic
night.
Being the pathetic me.
Damn I miss him.
Everything about him.
Miss talking to him.
I just miss him.
There's no words to describe it.

I am not looking forward to college tomorrow.
F&B,I dont like.
Kitchen,I like more.
But I get to see Ing haw.
Dee sgt gatal.
He is goodlooking la.
No can do.
True and proven fact that
Inghaw's a hottie.
But he's so untouchable.
He's like caught up in his own world.
You could never read him.
Oh well.
What do I know about guys?

I nak nangis bley?

Good Morning,Starshine.The Earth says 'Hello!'.

--Goth--
Do you wear black eyeliner?: indeed....
Is most of your clothing black?: ok, most of it is black with some other color accenting pattern/trim/whatever on it
Do you think about death often?: hmmm. not really.
Do you want to die?: perhaps at some point. just not today.
Are you a social outcast?: i am not the outcast - i just choose to not waste my time on the masses of morons here....
Are you pale?: At times...
Do you like Hot Topic?: some stuff from there is cool - like the stuff by Lip Service cause you do know that anything Lip Service that's in Hot Topic can only be found at Hot Topic, right? custom made for Hot Topic.... oooh, how special.
Do you enjoy Tim Burton's Movies?: Tim Burton is cool - i love his style. only one i didn't care for was the 'planet of the apes' remake. then again, i don't like that movie to begin with, so that might have something to do with it.
Are you nice?: mean with a kind streak (that is, if i don't like you)
Are you fond of a fair complexion?: a fair complexion doesn't suit everyone - just like a tan doesn't suit everyone.

Total YES: you do know how to count, don't you?

--Skater Punk--
Can you skateboard?: not at all.
Do you wear Vans?: i don't own any, but there was a pair years ago that i wanted and just never got around to buying them
Do you do stupid stuff with your friends?: doesn't everybody?
Have you gotten in trouble with the PIGS: Not that I can recall.
Do you listen to punk bands: Used to.
Do you have any piercings?: just my ears
Do you like/wear mohawks?: i don't really give a damn what people do with their hair; although i'd never have one
Do you wear Band t-shirts: occasionally
Have you called someone a poser?: probably a few times, but it was obvious - they were just trying too hard to be something.
Do you think punk rock is awsome?: i really have no opinion on it

Total YES: count them yourself, i don't feel like it

--Prep--
Do you say the word "like": when it is used properly. for example: "i like Incubus."
Do you shop at Abercrombie and Fitch?: bloody hell no
Are the A&F models hot?: nope - they needed ugly people to model ugly clothes, and that's what they got.
Do you pop the collar?: excuse me for sounding stupid here, but i've never heard that phrase in my life.
Do the people in Hot topic scare you?: not at all.
The only nerd you like is Seth Cohen: and i have no clue who the hell Seth Cohen is.
Do you watch LAGUNA BEACH?: i don't watch tv, period. because it stalks me.
Do you like pop music: UGH. well, japanese pop isn't so bad. it's got better music (i don't know about the lyrics though cause i don't know japanese)
Do you want/have a little dog?:Nopes.
Do you spend your money on expensive clothes: hey, buddy.... corsets aren't cheap.

Total YES: i sure as hell aren't a stereotypical prep


--Hippie--
Is your hair long?: yes - but that doesn't make me a hippie. look, morticia addams has long hair; is she a hippie?
Are you a vegetarian/vegan?: err..no.
Do you own a tye~dye shirt?: I dont think I do.
Do you want peace?: peace to some extent would be nice; all this war is tiring. but isn't war like an endless waltz?
Do you want to save the animals?: i find it disgusting when animals are tested on or slaughtered for unecessary reasons.
Do you think the war is unneccesary?: pretty much the whole situation is unnecessary.
Is love essential in your life?: there are different levels and forms of love; which one do you speak of?
Violence is bad: violence has its place and time.
Have you smoked pot?: nope
Do you go long periods of time without shaving?: nope

Total YES: whoaaa...

--Gangsta--
Are you from the ghetto?: nope
Do you own "bling bling"?: hell no
Do you wear do-rags?: nope
Do you like hip-hop?: nope
Was Tupac truly the greatest rapper in the world?: i don't really give a damn
Do you believe he's alive?: again, i don't really give a damn
Do you like afros?: hmmm. i don't like them, but i don't hate them either. i just don't care.
Have you ever said 'fo shizzle'?: nope
Do you like to dance?: Yeah.sure.
Do you call someone your homie?: yo, homie g... mah homeslice... what up??

Total YES: oh my, the person who filled this out before me does not know how to count!

--Emo--
Do you cry often?: Just when I feel the need to let go.
Are you emotional?: Indeed.
Do you like soft music: once in a blue moon
Do people not understand you?: i've been told i'm hard to figure out
Do you write your own songs?: nope, but i do occasionally write poems.
Is your hair dyed dark?: Pardon me? Its natural,mind you.
Do you cut?: Used to.
Are you lonely?: At times.
Is Ohio for lovers?: what? how the hell would i know?
Do you own haggard shoes: and what the hell are haggard shoes??

Total YES: why am i wasting my time?

--Surfer--
Do you surf?: nope
Do you wear flip flops year-round?: At times.
Is your hair shaggy?: nope
Do you wake up at 6 or before every morning?: Not every morning.
Do you own any pairs of shorts?: yes - for sleeping in.
Are you tan?: nope
Do you have alot of patience?: not really. i try though.
Do you want to be at the beach right now? only if it were night out and there was a full moon.
Do you hate tourists?: i don't like people in general, regardless if they're tourists or not
Do you have good balance?: Im not sure.

Total YES: i have nothing better to do right now


--Geek--
Do you wear glasses: At times.
Do you get good grades?: So,far yeah.
Do you use an inhaler?: nope
Do you stick pens and calculators into your shirt pockets?: No calculators yet.
Does your mom pick out your clothes?: not since i was about 5.
Are you on the computer often?: not so much anymore.
Do you ever get picked on?: No.People just dont care about me.And I dont mind at all.
Do you look forward to go to school?: Yeah..I have kitchen class tomorrow and I get to see Ing Haw..ahah.
Are you shy around the opposite sex?: Strangers from the opp.sex,yes.

Total YES: it's the band geek mafia....

this boots are made for walking...

I have been spending alot of time in college
with my college frens.
Tiring really.
Being in college is fun coz I get to see Ing Haw.
But he's always depressed and I really dont like seeing him like that.
It'd nice seeing him happy and smiling.
He has a great smile btw.
Oh,he smiled today! and Laughed!!im crazy.
I'm all alone right now.
Bored.

~missing joshua greatly.I mean it~

Hellish.

~My precious phone was stolen in college.Pundek.~
~Leng Chai is still leng chai.He's really quiet and I really-really think he has split personality.eheh~
~I want my phone.~
~Presentation on monday.And I'm first.Pundek~
~F&B assessment tomorrow.Die~
~I am so lost without my phone.help~

*Hilly,I had to type out pundek to show my frustrations.*

Wasting my time.

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. Dee.That's pretty much it.

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. I'mSoGoth,IshitBats.
2. Prince Charming's a dick,Bring in the frogs.
3. Morbida.

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. My hair.
2. My height.
3. My smile.
~Dont get me wrong,Im thankful but you asked.~

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. Temper.
2. Temper.
3. Temper.
~Im hot tempered.More like a time-bomb.But I've improved.~

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. God.
2. People.
3. The end of the world.

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. Computer.
2. My poetry book and pen.
3. Music.Good music.

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. Black tank top.
2. Black boxers.
3. Thats about it.

THREE OF YOUR FAVOURITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS:
1. Incubus.
2. Silverchair.
3. HIM/DISTURBED.

THREE OF YOUR FAVOURITE SONGS:
1. most of Incubus's songs.
2. Ana's song/Miss you love(SILVERCHAIR)
3. Forsaken(Disturbed)

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
1. Trust and honesty.
2. Laughter and jokes.
3. Quality time together.

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. eyes/eyebrows
2. smile/hair
3. body figure

THREE OF YOUR FAVOURITE HOBBIES:
1. Writing.
2. Reading.
3. Looking for new eye candy.ehehe.

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. Talk to Joshua.
2. Go to Ing Haw's place and get my poetry book back coz Im lost without it.
3. Watch 'God Give me one more chance'.

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. Phillipines coz I want to see Josh.
2. Holland for the beautiful tulips.
3. New Orleans for no good reason.

THREE KIDS' NAMES YOU LIKE:
1. I
2. dont
3. care.

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. pray that all my sins will be forgiven
2. to be with joshua.
3. Be a chef and own a fine dining restaurant.Someday.

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A BOY:
1. I have crushes on girls.Hey,I appreciate gods creation ok?
2. Thats all i think.

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A GIRL:
1.Im me.Enough said.

THREE CELEB CRUSHES:
1.Brandon Boyd.
2.Hayden Christensen
3.Brandon Flowers.

THREE PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO TAKE THIS SURVEY NOW:
1. I DONT CARE.

Prince Charming's a dick,bring in the frogs.

I think Im going to flunk my kitchen
theory assessment!
I studied for 4 hours last night
and when I saw the papers,
I forgot EVERYTHING!
Even the simplest question like
the fruit classification.
Haih.I takut seyh!

Didnt have the f&b assessment today.
Thank god.

Tomorrow,
Rooms Division assessment.
Die.

play,pause,listen.

01.Your name plus "y" ?
// Delaila+Y= DelailaY.eheh.

02. Two feelings at the moment?
// Tired.
// Sleepy.

03. What are you listening to right now?
// Home-12 STONEs.

04. A part of a song lyric that you like.
// 'Endless days are haunting me,open eyes and I cant see,I need this now,Rescue me,Just bring me home.'

05. Describe where you are right now?
// In a room where Im supposed to sleep in but refused to.

06. What is your highlight of the week?
// Looking forward into seeing IngHaw in college.He's my eyecandy.

07. What are you craving to have right now?
// I'm not really craving for anything right now but I have something that I need to buy.Something that I wish I dont have to buy but have to get it anyway.Get me?

08. Any unforgettable childhood memory?
// None.Nothing interesting.Nothing to be shared.

09. A not-so-good childhood memory?
// It shall remain in the corner of my mind.

10. What are your nicknames?
// Dee,Queen or Burps.eehee..No la.Kidding.

11. Your three plans for tomorrow?
// To get my assessments over with man.Its driving me up the walls.To stare at IngHaw and to be mesmerized again.hehe.Yes,I mmg gatal.

12. Your three plans for today?
//To see IngHaw,To see IngHaw,To see IngHaw.Thats pretty much it.hehe.

13. Are you thinking of someone right now?
// Yeah.IngHaw.Hhee.Kidding.

14. Do you party?
// No,I dont.

15. Do you like twins?
// Yeah but not for me.At this very moment,I am not even sure if I want to get married,let alone have kids LET ALONE have twins.

16. Fill in the blank: "I am ...
// So goth,I shit bats.hehe.

17. Say something in five words to the person who
sent you this!
// Eggie doesnt know this blog exist.Thats more than 5 but what the heck.

19. Mary has her little lamb. What do you wanna
have?
// I want my 'aLeX'.Can?

20. Say anything you like to whoever is reading
your answers!?
// Why are you reading this? Dont you have anything better to do?Obviously you dont coz you're reading it anyways.Ahaha.

21. are you feeling hungry?
// Quite.STARVATION=GOOD.FOOD=BAD.

22. who/what do you miss ryt now
// I miss my 'aLeX'.

23. last friend you saw online
// There's a number of them online.I cant recall.

24. r u in love?
// In love,I am.

25. what do you like about night?
// My quality time alone to ponder about the past.I tend to get hyper at night but I doubt that I will tonight since Im pissed at my mom right now.

26.if you were in a farm.. what do you want to
see?
// Im not a farm person.

28. last person who gave a comment to
// A comment?

30. do you play an instrument?
// Hehe.Can.

31. what song did u last hear?
// Consequence-INCUBUS baybeeeeee.

I MISS YOU LOVE

Someone once said to me,
'How can someone so beautiful be so angry?'
I didnt know how to answer and I still dont.
I dont have a point so ignore me.

I hate weekends.
I did nothing today.
Really,nothing.
Oh ok,I saw Initial D and
Charlie and The Chocolate Factory again.
Johnny Depp is so Hot.
He's such a good actor.
To those who has watched the movie,
you have to agree with me when I said
he has the nicest teeth ever.
The Oompa loompa's song is quite a
something dont you think?
Its pretty cute and neat.

Oh well.
After the movie marathon,
I went upstairs and study.
I looked forward to studying.
Why?
I was so bored.
I didnt know what to do.
Plus,I have my kitchen assesment tomorrow
and on tuesday I have kitchen assesment theory followed by f&b practical assesment.
On wednesday,rooms division assesment theory.
Oh Joy.
Die.

I miss Joshua.I really2 do.
Im addicted to him.
I have to talk to him,if not
I'll go insane.
So help me god I will.
Im almost there.

POSTO POSTO

Dear friend,

I'm happy knowing that you're happy for me. I am happy.Finally,about time huh?Hey, we both know that I am not always a 'ROSIE' and you a 'RUBY'. I know you'll find your 'ALEX' soon.If not soon,you will later.Bare in mind that your 'ALEX' will be so special that it will be worth the wait.Am I making any sense?I thought I have found my 'ALEX',maybe I was wrong.I dont know.And yes,we hold each others back and always will!

p/s, this is so mushy2 seyh! Stuff that you'd never hear me say.But doesnt mean I cant write it down hor?

your's sincerely,
ME.

Mad driver.

Missing Joshua greatly.
I think he's pretty busy la.
Hmm..Nvm..All in good time right?

I had fun fun fun today.
Class finished at 1 and
after that a bunch of us
went to Asia Cafe.
A bunch of us would be
me,Akila,Ice,Zara,Joo Heng,
ING HAW, AJ and Kelvin.
Akila's a mad mad driver!
I spelled Ing Haw's name wrongly
in the previous post.
Ing Haw's so hot..ohh..lol.
Joo Heng's my lover boy.LOL.
No.not really la.

Went to MPH and found out that
everything has changed.
Vijay who was once in charge of the
professional department,is not
the head of childrens book.
K.Paru and Jega are handling Professional.
Patience is in charge of the magazine.
K.Florence's BACK.
Parames has been promoted.
She's the supervisor now.
Thank GOD I'm not around man!
Wanted to get a book but I have loads
of unread books at home.
More than 5 I think.
So I didnt get any.
Zara did on the other hand.
She got herself a zodiac book.
Akila,you mad driver you!

Sleepy.

Practical classes are tiring.
Right now,Im so tired you have no idea.
My whole body is in pain.
I had to stand for 4 hours in HEELS!
Prince fainted when he was in his kitchen
practical class.
Poor guy.
I think Chef Tan looks cute in his chef hat.
I want that hat.
'All in good time girl girl' was what Ice said.
I want to be a chef man.
I did restaurant practical and I think kitchen
practical is more appealing to me.
Plus the chef suit is MORE COMFY
compared to f&b uniform.
I looked like a bloated cow in f&b uniform
and I looked like a boy in chef suit.

People in college are soo unpredictable.
Don't be deceived by their looks.
Honest.
I dont like people denying a true and proven
fact.

I had fun during lunch with Hil and her frens.
All we did was laugh.
Har har har.

Ice,Akila and all are nice.
But we're still new to each other.
Not quite comfortable yet.
At least to me.
AJ has injured himself.
Kasihan Lo!
lol!!
Charlene has been a doll.
Joo Heng's like Pooh Bear.
But he's very serious in practical classes.
And when he's serious,its scary.
Eng Hou was not around.
Sick kot.
No eye candy today.
Bad.

I think I have a strange connection to Qarl.
I cant look at him.
He looks so innocent that it hurts.
Seriously.
I almost cried when he cried last night.
My sister scolded him coz he spilled water
and he started crying.
I almost cried.
It was an accident.
He's just a boy.
He's 3 years old.
Obedient,he is.

I hate tuesdays and wednesdays.
Proly coz of the schedule.
Boring.
No Mr Wong and Mr Daniel.
And tomorrow I have Ms Lay Bee's class
TWICE.

Die.