A very very frustrated woman.

I am officially a very very frustrated woman.

Things kept happening. I cant keep up.

Its frustrating. Just when I thought its gonna work.

But instead, it went down the smelly drain.

I hate it.

I want simple things yet it is still beyond my grasp.

I got back my Purchasing & Cost Control paper.

Expected. I blew it.

I studied so blardy hard and blew it.

This is just so typical Delaila who tend to screw everything up in the last minute.

If I gotten the first question right, I couldve gotten better.

But no, I just had to screw it up.

So here I am, a very very frustrated student.

I saw Jamie's Kitchen just now and I realize that kitchen is my calling.

I want to be a chef. It'll be tough but I'll work it out.

Im gonna have to be more patient but I'll work on that area.

I want to be a chef and make people happy when they eat the food I cooked.

That would be the best feeling in the whole wide world.

To get people coming back to you because you cook serious shit good food.

Argh.Seems out of the world.

But I'll make sure of it.

But at the rate Im going, it seems almost impossible.

So that makes me, a very very frustrated almost soon-to-be-chef.

Oh lala.

Currently listening to PUMP IT - BEP, that song's making me real happy!
Honestly, you just wanna dance when you listen to it.

Watching a movie alone was definately boring. Anything on that matter.
But sometimes its nice to be alone.
And so I watched a thai horror movie alone.
I was scared out of my wits if I may add.
But getting scared is bliss to me.
The guy who sat right next to me asked me,
" Little girl, arent you scared watching this alone?"
I was like, 'little girl?'
I was scared. Scared out of my wits.lol.
I didnt tell him that of course.

After the movie ended, I went to McD and had sundae chocolate.
While eating, I decided that if I wrote, I wouldnt be so miserable.
So I wrote. 3 dumb poems.

NO NAME YET.

I want to know what is wrong,
and why I am drowning,
but the more I think,
the more deeper Im sinking.

I really dont know what is wrong,
and why I am like this,
I cant find a reason,
as to why I feel so shitty.

I thought it was loneliness,
but I dont think that is all,
I have to find the missing pieces,
to really know what went wrong.

NO NAME YET

They're there,
they're everywhere.
Wherever I go,
I see them.
And I hate it,
because I dont have it.
there's nothing i can do,
because none of them wants me,
and thats the motherfucking truth.

NO NAME YET.

People say Im cute,
People say Im nice,
and if its true,
why cant i feel it for myself?

People say looks dont matter,
People say blondes are dumb,
and if its true,
why do people still go after them?

People say I shouldnt worry,
People say he's on his way,
and if its true,
why do I feel this way?

whats enough?

Being a girl with no life, I decided to read thru everything Ive written in this blog of mine. It took me quite awhile to finish it.
After Ive finished reading all of it, I realize that I went thru a few phases of life. And I didnt even noticed it. How bizarre. Really.
I started this blog when I was working & was still with Joshua.
And now, Im in college & currently single.
And there were so many in betweens.
I wrote about how much I wanted to study and how people annoyed me by asking when I'd be starting my college.
Im in college now.
I wrote about how much I loved Joshua & such.
And the most recent news on Joshua, he's a fake, a fraud, a liar & a cheater.
I wrote about how much I hated my family.
I still hate my family. Sometimes.
What hasnt changed is the fact that Im still lonely.
There's nothing I can do in that area.

I had my lunch in Summit today. K.Eleen decided to treat me & my sister steamboat at Johnny's.
It was good. I didnt eat that much tho. Dont I always?
Went into MPH and had a chat with Alice.
She said she's gonna resign soon. I feel her pain & pressure.
I was there once. I was in that position of deadly stress.
But its slightly different in her case tho.
All that I experienced times 2 with what she's going thru now.
She is the retail executive. And she has ALOT more things to do & think.
Therefore, I highly understand her position.

I just realize that I havent bought a book in the longest time.
I just finished 2 books yesterday.
Think Im getting that latest book by Cecilia Ahern soon.

As for some weird reason, Im not doing my assignment.
An assignment that is due this thursday and I havent even started.

Ive let my insecurities took over me.
And I havent been ok during that period of time.
I am somewhat better now.
Ive said some silly silly things during that period of time.
Wanted to do something idiotic without reason.
Wanted to mourn over nothing.
Idiotic indeed.

Sometimes I amaze myself.
Sometimes I laugh at myself.
Sometimes I hate myself for letting things happen to me.
Sometimes I just dont know what to do.
With all the idiotic things that has happened, I still smile & laugh.
And again, I amaze myself.

At this very moment, I dont know what I want.
I know who I want to be & I'll be that person all in good time.
I just dont know what I want. Or who for that matter.
Dont know if its worth craving for someone coz I know if I dont get hurt, my self-esteem will be on the floor.
Im not like Ice or Denise.
I cant flirt.
I cant start a conversation.
And I most definately cant get guys to like me.
And I dont get guys that I like to like me.
I do try & it seems that its just not enough.
What's enough?

I dont know whats wrong with my mind.
Ive not been eating well lately but I feel fat.
And when I look into the mirror, I look fat.
It seems that I can eat at all.
Coz when I do, I'll feel fat and take pills.
And thats unhealthy.

What in the bloody world is wrong with me?
Long hair, short hair.
Curly hair, straight hair.
Doesnt make any difference.
Im so sick of it.
So sick of it.
Im cursed I guess.
I bet you're laughing Hilly when you're reading this.
But this kind of thing puts me down.
How can I be confident if shitty things keeps happening to me?
I was naive I admit.
I was fooled by Josh's sweet words.
How can I not?

I guess my point is that I get lonely too.
Soo lonely at times.

Am happy today. Zul happened.
Not so happy later on. Zul happened. Eff it.

I feel guilty for having these feelings. But I cant help it.

I chopped off my hair. Its short. lalala.

Nampak Zul. But mcm sial je coz Ice bumped into him more often. Sah tak de jodoh.

Im hurt. He's a bitch.

Dont Give Up

I think you're making a huge mistake

By giving up on me and you

Because I can totally guarantee

No one will ever love you like I do

It'll be almost impossible to find someone

Who will show you as much affection

And it'd be a miracle to find someone

Who will give you as much attention

I know we had a few problems between us

But that's normal for couples to do

And it'd be so easy for us to fix it If you would just let me love you

But instead you're pushing me away

And ignoring the whole situation

You can't just put love on hold

Cuz Love doesn't take vacations

Every time you look at me

I can still see the love in your eyes

Why can't you just express it

Instead of keeping it inside I can see that it hurts you deep inside

That we're no longer together

So just stop being so damn stubborn

And let me make you happy forever

You Said

You said you loved me,

you said you cared,

but when I turn around you are not there.

I waited for you long enough you put me through hell and never gave up.

You pushed and pulled and played with my heart

the moment you said we will never be apart,

now I am looking at you dead in your

eyes and all along you were telling me lies.

I'll never forget what you put me through

but sure enough you'll want me to come back through.

In the end, just to let you know I'll always love you rain, sleet, or snow.

I know.Its sappy.Lol.Its worth writing. bLABLA..I'll try to write about something else soon. But for the time being, this will do.

I kasi bunga kat zul..LOL..
talk about daring..
Who cares?

I saw Jamie Oliver's show just now. He's so good at what he does that its so admirable.
I'd do almost anything to be his student.
Plus he was wearing the chef uniform. He looked mighty fine.
I dont think he's hot,its just that I have a thing with guys wearing chef uniform.
They just look so professional and sexay. lol.

As for some unknown reason, I am blissfully happy today.
Not because its Valentines day. Seriously, I dont give a shit about Valentines.
I am partly relieved that Mr Daniel has agreed in postponing our assessment.
I thought he didnt want to coz when he came into class he asked us to take out a piece of paper and keep all our books.
I thought he didnt have mercy. Lol.
He asked us to write our names, ID number and class.
And I thought he was going to distribute the question paper.
I was wrong! He wanted us to write him A LOVE LETTER.
I thought he was weird. And so I did write him a love letter.
And if you think things couldnt get any worse, think again coz it did get worst.
He insisted that we read our love notes aloud!
How weird can this guy be?
Some did pour their hearts out. But I didnt. How could I?
It wasnt right.
He later on went about how to get a decent guy and how to know if he's decent and shit like that.
And after the lecture about guys & girls, we played charade.
Just like old times.
We had alot of laughs while we were playing it.
My group lost tho so we were punished.
Mr Daniel made all of us stand in front of the class and posed some weird poses. He took a picture of it.
A picture or a video, I do not know.

Today was indeed fun and I was happy.
Mr Daniel played a huge part..lol.
Zul too tho I didnt speak to him nor did he spoke to me.
I'll make the move soon.
lol.

It is so hard to go thru life everyday pretending to be happy by smiling and laughing.
Its really hard when you're all broken inside.
What Josh did to me has made me even colder towards guys.
What he did shouldnt get to me.
But it did.
I guess Im happy being miserable.
Somehow,it felt right.


I saw Zul today but I didnt say anything.
He didnt look as if he was interested.
Wonder if Im just wasting my time.
But I really like the guy.
Honest.

I read Sam's Letters To Jennifer again,
and it never fails to make me cry.
There was this part where Charles went to look for his father.
He found him.
His father didnt know that he was his son and he trashed him out of the bar.
He owned a bar.
And Charles left.
Sam asked wondered as to why Charles left without letting his dad know that he's his son.
What Charles said touched me.
He said, "I found him easily. Why hadnt he found me before?"
I cried when I read that line.
It has deep meaning.

I was wondering..
What's Life?
What is it all about?
I do not have the answers.
But will post once I have an idea.

I had an interesting conversation with my mom earlier. About marriage in general. Honestly, I dont believe in marriage. I dont. I really dont. I have seen my close relatives experience their big day where they had their wedding. It was supposed to be a day to be remembered. It was, to them. None of whatsoever effect on me. I saw him in their white dresses and flowers and in their biggest smile. I also saw their marriage crumble. And most of it ended in total nightmare. It scares me.

I read in the newspaper today, a woman, Zainah Anwar, who's 51 and not married. The reason she's not married, she listened to her mom. And she's happy and successful.

Why do we want to be man's slave? Why? If we get married, thats what we'll be. Man's slave. Some call it responsibily, I call it slavery. If we're lucky, we get a good, responsible husband. And if we're not? Go figure. And how often do we get to meet good quality guys? Not that often. Slim chance. And I dont want to take that risk. Call me a scardy cat if you may,I dont care.

I can see right before my eyes if I were to get married. If I get a good husband with a good salary, I may end up like my 2nd sister. She's 27 with 2 beautiful kids. Not working with no life. No offence Kak Eleen. I heart you. She can work if she wants to its just that she doesnt trust other people handling her kids. So she decided to become a fulltime housewife. And she doesnt have a social life anymore. Her kids & husband are her top priorities. Which is good up to a point. She's happy, I can tell. But she told me once that she's sick of leading a very predictable life. Her life's predictable. She has 2 kids. Small kids. And I really dont think she's gonna start working anytime soon. So this is it. Her life. Till..I dont know..Till she wants a change..I guess.. Im happy that she's happy. But this is not want I want. I have an ambition. And it will come true.

K. Zizi on the other hand is trully blessed with a good husband and 3 gorgeous girls. And she's happy. But its not something I'd envy about. Definately not something I want. Both my sisters are bound by their husbands. They can only do something if their husband agrees. And I dont need that. I dont need that approval to do what I like. My parent's approval are enough.

My mom. She's not happy with her marriage. But what can she do? My dad refused to let her go. She's in misery. I can tell. My mom's marriage plays a big part in my decision to not get married.

To cut it short, I dont want to get married. It'll make my life so much better.

I found out that Im shorlisted in Clubmed,Cherating for industrial training. Im excited.
Saw Chef Patrick carved something and that something became a rose.Aww..
I talked to Zul yesterday! Whoohoo.. I so heart him..

Had kitchen class today. Was worried coz I didnt study the fiche technique. Thought Chef Patrick was gonna ask us questions just like what he did before. But he was in a good mood.
Kitchen was ok. We had to cook individually. And there were only 7 of us and all of us had to cook for 8 pax. Tiring it was. I had some troubles & James helped me. I owe him.
I dont know how or when, but I have a small cut on my right thumb. Its really small but it hurts real bad.


I still cant accept the fact that Josh lied to me & cheated on me. I thought I knew him but it turned out that I didnt know him at all. Everything he's ever told me was nothing but lies. I dont even know his name. I wasted 4 years talking to him. The happiness he gave me was all fake. I actually fell for him. My God Dee, you're dumb. Everytime he said I love you to me, I believed him. I BELIEVED him! I actually LOVED him. For real. I thought he was my one & my only. I know what you're thinking. Im naive. I agree. But can you blame me? No one has ever told me that they liked me. He was the first. He sounded sincere. He was sincere alrite.Sincere lying to me. But part of me are happy. Happy knowing that he lied. Coz its helping me to move on. Im moving on. Im just shocked that he lied to me.
Revenge Is Bliss. Revenge Is Sweet.

I think Zul doesnt like me la. We talked today. But he didnt say much. He didnt show any sign that tells me that he has interest in me. I guess he doesnt have interest in me. Bleargh. Tak pe.

I never knew what love felt like until he came into my life,
I never knew what happiness felt like until he became mine,
I never knew what sorrow felt like until he crushed my heart,
I never knew what disappointment felt like until he left me & ignored me,
I never knew what anger felt like until he disappeared,
I know what revenge is all about now,
And its sweet.

To whom it may concern,You can run but you cant hide. Im watching you,closely.

Some of the things Ive written during the holidays...

I never knew what love was until u came into my life,
I never knew what real heartbreak was until u broke mine,
I never knew I could cry this much till u made me sad,
I guess I never really knew much about love,
but now that I do I have things to say to you,
I don’t wanna hurt no more,
I don’t wanna cry,
I don’t wanna think I’m going to die,
So to all the pain u have placed inside of me,
Take it all back so I may Be once again free!

Lonely heart

at night i breakdown and cry
and sometimes i don't even know why
my loneliness is driving me insane
so is my lonely heart the one to blame?

heart I'm calling on you
give me the strength to pull through
but still i must believe
there's another lonely heart out there
waiting for me waiting for me

I'm not sure which way to go
is it my heart that i should follow
heart I'm so unsure
and now i need you more than before

heart I'm calling on you
give me the strength to pull through
but still i must believe
there's another lonely heart out there
waiting for me waiting for me

tell me I'm not the only
broken heart feeling lonely
I know everything heals in time
but can time heal this lonely heart of mine

at night I breakdown and cry
and sometimes I don't even know why
my loneliness is driving me insane
so is my lonely heart the one to blame?

heart I'm calling on you
give me the strength to pull through
but still I must believe
there's another lonely heart out there
waiting for me waiting for me

heart I know your my only friend
and one day we'll find love again

The Truth

The truth is that
I can'texpress my gratitude
for everything little thing thatyou do.

The truth, the real deal?

Is that I love you so much
that if something were to ever
happen to you, I wouldn't
know how to move on.

The truth is now that you're gone,
I don't really know how to moveon.
I can't see your sweet face
or hear your beautiful voice.

But one thing I do know is
that I will always love you
till the day I die always.

Wanna know whats making me happy? Drooling over goodlooking guys. It makes me really happy.
I saw this filipino soup and I fell madly in love with Diether and his gorgeous hair. Gorgeous hair. Later on that night, I saw The Twins Effect and fell in love with Edison Chen. I know I know. Dee gatal.
If its making me happy, why the hell not? If I cant get those kind of ppl in real life, it'd be enough to just drool over them. The least I can do.

I saw this one malay drama weeks ago. The young girl fell in love with an older guy. A guy old enough to be her father. They spend free times together. Some may think its sweet and cute but to me its disgusting. Really. And I dont care what you think. And I think its disgusting. Its like your dad & a women your age. Or older. Its disgusting. Ive had ppl telling me that they've seen my dad & a younger women and I felt disgusting. Like puking disgusting disgusting. Like BLUEK! aahahha..Toodles.