Thursday, March 30, 2006

Kids,kids.. Go away.

I hate Joe Chambers! I hate him!
Who's Joe Chambers? You ought to read Spellbound byJane Green.
He's such an arse. Alice deserves better and Im glad she left him.
Sorry. The book got to me.
I simply hate people like Joe Chambers.
Married to a wonderful girl,wealthy, successful, flitatious.
Just because he's gorgeous, he thinks he can just sleep with anyone.
Bah!

Anyways,
Im leaving in 2 days.
Not exactly excited as I thought I'd be.
Oh well,
its something that I have to do.

There's nothing much to say really.
Life's pretty much the same.
I do the same thing everyday for the whole week.
The bright side : I spent the whole week with my lovely annoying amusing nieces & nephews.
They're just wonderful tho I spank Lina & Qarl practically everyday.
Lina made me watch Fairytopia: Mermaidia today.
We watched together at first but then she left.
I watched alone and when my sister wanted the room so that Tzewa can sleep,
I actually made her wait till Im done with the movie.
Lol.
The movie was so pretty with pink & purple all over.
I watched Goofy the Movie after.
Thinking in watching Madagascar later.
You see why I dont want to be at home?!!
When Im with kids, Im one of the kids!

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

A new beginning?

Some parts of me are happy to leave Subang.
Some parts are sad.
I guess Im happy coz Ive never been away from home and this is my chance.
Im sad for the very same reason too.

I will truly miss my nieces & nephews.
Can you imagine, my Liyana who's 4 months old will be 7 months when I get back!
I dont think she'd remember me.
Im gonna miss singing hey diddle diddle to her.
God, Im missing her already.

Saw Yoke, Clay & Clay's fren this eve.
Yoke said something that made me realize something.
Im not depressed anymore.
Im not heart-broken anymore too.
Im not unhappy too.
Im content with my life now.
Its true, time heals all wounds.

I used to wonder as to why Im single and why nobody wants me.
Im still wondering.
But the difference is that right now, I dont care that Im single.
I think Im better off this way.
I am obviously happy being like this.
I so do not need a guy to make me happy.
Good music, book & company is more than enough.

I have one more thing troubling me tho.
My weight.
People say Im slim but I feel fat.
I dont eat all that much but I feel fat.
And when I do feel fat, I'd take those sinful pills.
The next day, somewhat diarrea (is that how we spell that?)
It seems bliss to me.
I am actually happy having diarrea.
I am sick I guess.
Ive never told people this.
Dont know why Im writing this now,right here.
Time to let go I guess.

Friday, March 24, 2006

HAH.

Finally a full stop for term 3. Today was the last day of exam. The last, the toughest, I think.
I think I pretty much screwed up my oenology paper. I just cant remember the French names.
There's nothing left to sy about the papers except that it is over and done with. And I dont want to think about the results until Ive reached Club Med.

After the exam, the bunch of us went to OU. Had lunch at Chilli's. I had lamb, Akila had the buffolo chicken wings and Zara & Ice had the oldtimer which was fingerlicking good. Literally.
And while eating, we had a whole lot of laughs. We laughed till my stomach ached. My eyes produced tears.
And Akila laughed really loud. It was contagious.
We were talking what the 'what if's'.
What if we really did left Zara?
What if Zara fell into the drain?
It'd be hilarious to you too if you know Zara.
In short, I havent had that much fun in months.
I love my babes.

I bought new oracle cards. Im loving it. And it tells truth.

Note, I'll never let Akila sit on the front sit when Im driving. Seriously.
Im a good driver. Thats a fact. She acted as if I was about to bang some car.
And when I got too close to a car, she'd act as if she had a break at her feet acting as if she's stepping on it.
I had tears when I saw that.

Dee gedik, Akila menggelabah.

All in all, Im glad that the exams are over.
Im glad we had a chat with Chef Patrick.
Im glad he's being supportive when he found out that I'll be specializing in Culinary when I get back.
Im glad that he's hot.
HAH!

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

He hot. Dee likey.

JD Fortune of INXS
He HOT. exclude the wrinkles of course.

Bumped into Mr Daniel in the elevator when I was on my way up to the library. Chatted abit. He asked who else is going to Club Med for training. He didnt seem happy. I told him that I wont mention his name when I get there. I mean, I do have the hots for him but I wouldnt do that. Come on, I maybe leading a boring life, but life all the same. And I've got better things to do rather than ask people if they know my lecturer? Not likely to happen.

Spent the day in the college's library with Zara, Akila & Alvin. We studied. And was I tired.

I brought oracle cards with me to college. Played abit. Im not fortunate in the 'love' area, that I am aware. But I just realized that the 'love' cards doesnt fancy me either. It didnt seem to agree with me. It was always Study. I mean I got the drift, enough already. I know I should study more often but is it not enough that I spent most of my afternoons and evenings in the library for almost 2 weeks? Bah.

I have a theory as to why those 'love' cards doesnt fancy me. It is because I see no potential in love. I just dont. I dont believe it'll last. Ive never seen it. They say being in love is the best feeling in the world but bare in mind that being hurt because of love is the worse feeling. Love is like 2 extremes with no in betweens.

Take note, dont piss me off when Im already pissed. Im mean & ugly as it is. Even more meaner & uglier when Im pissed. Way more meaner & uglier when you pissed me off when Im already pissed.

I couldnt quite remember why I was pissed when I left college, but I was pissed. I get pissed & cool easily. That's besides the point.

The point is that, I was pissed when I left college and there was this world most dumbest motorcyclist. He just had to langgar my side mirror sampai senget. He didnt even say sorry. I know this is quite common but come on. I was pissed and there was approximately 50 other cars on the road and he just had to langgar mine. What a coincidence ey?

Since I was pissed, I yelled at him. Said the rudest words I could think of then. Whether he could hear it or not didnt matter to me. I just had to let it go. Like expected, all the drivers stared at me. Some may have cursed me. Being the ever so polite me, I just flashed the middle finger. And how they loved it. *evil laugh*

I disagree when people say, people who blogs has no life. I dont care what you think. But I just dont like that statement. If you're one of them, I pity you. You said that and now you're reading my blog? Thats just sad.






Sunday, March 19, 2006

Closure.

Oh how I just love good music.
Incubus, Incubus, Incubus.
They're IT!

I got the closure that I wanted today.
I sent Joshua a msg a few days ago.
I told him what I wanted him to know.
Exactly what I thought and felt.
I didnt matter if I sounded rude or harsh.
I kept it bottled up inside for so long.
It was time to let go.
And I did let go.
And it felt good.
He got it today I guess.
He replied but I ignored his presense.
Im so proud of me.

Joshua is now my past that will be forgotten.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

VENT

Wanna know what ticks me off?
People who look down on other people.
I dont. Why should you?
I dont smoke. I dont drink. I dont take drugs. I dont club. I dont sleep around.
By not doing all that does not make me lifeless.
That simply means Im leading a healthier life tho I dont take veges.
By not doing all that does not make me uncool.
Im cool ok? In my own weird amusing mean ways.
By not drinking does not mean I dont qualify as a Hospitality student.
What rights do you have to say that to me?
I am a better student than you.
I dont skip classes.
I know my priorities.
I did my farking assignments.
I sat for my assessments.
I got somewhat ok marks for my tests, so now tell me, what rights do you have to say that to my face?!
How dare you!
I respected you tho I dont quite agree with your lifestyle being the conservative me.
But I kept it to myself coz I didnt want to offend you and I believe you know what you are doing and I know what you're doing is for the best.
But did it ever occur to you that you offended me?
I guess not.
Selfish people dont care about other people.
You know what?
You can just drop DEAD.
Im thru caring.
Being nice arent cool at all.
Im gonna be mean right now.

I went to dinner with Denise last night.
Senior's final serving.
I did Denise a favor by being her fren's guest.
Julian(whatever) was there.
They served real wine.
And since we were having fish, they served us white wine.
You know, red wine's for red meat and white wine's for white meat.
So after he poured wine, Julian asked me,
'How was the wine?'
I said, ' I dont drink.'
What he said pissed me off like nobody's business.
He said, ' Thats sad.'
What was that supposed to mean?
There's nothing wrong with not drinking.
There's nothing wrong with wanting to obey my religion's rules.
There's Nothing wrong of whatsoever.
How dare he!
Other muslims can drink or do whatever they want but bear in mind, there's a thing called consequences.
I mind my business and you I hope you'd do the same.
I know whats right and whats wrong.
Dont give pitiful statements.
Save it.

As you can see, Im pretty pissed.
Put aside that I am miserable, Im so horribly pisssed.

I told Reuben that I talked to Keith last night.
"He knows my name" was what I told Reuben.
He said, " Thats just sad."
I guess I sounded pretty lame to him.
I have to admit, that was pretty sad.
I mean, a hot guy knows my name is a big deal to me.
I mean BIG DEAL.
I bet there are people out there who are going out with hot guys and they just keep it low.
And look at what I did.
Told people that Keith knows my name.
I did sound sad.
Just look at Yoke,
she has Clay, he's pretty hot but she's not bragging.
But I guess thats the closest thing that I can get.
I dont get hot guys coming up to me since people say Im mean & intimidating.
I cant help. Really. I cant.
Thats just me.
I look like a snob.
I guess my point is little thing like Keith knows my name makes me happy and it was the highlight of the day.
Like I said little things makes me the happiest.
Checking hot guys makes me happy coz I know I dont have a tiny rat's chance.
But sometimes I cant help but realizing the fact that Im pretty lonely.
I mean Im almost 20 & Ive never been on a date.
Thats just the saddest thing.
I thought I was in love with a guy that Ive known for 4 years and I recently found out that I was in love with someone who does not exist. He's a fake a liar a cheater.
Feels like I wasted 4 years with him when I couldve done something better.
But Im over him.
Im not over the fact that Im dumb.
I knew I was dumb but it didnt occur to me that I was that dumb.
I shouldve listened to Hilly. God, I shouldve.
It wouldve saved a whole lot of tears and hurt.
But since Im a person that practises the phrase,
' Let bygones be bygones',
Im gonna let it go bit by bit.

Sungguh emo ini blog.
Tak kisah.

Did I tell you that Im obsess with herbs?
I am.
My mom thinks Im out of my system coz she cought me reading a book on herbs.
It is indeed odd coz I'd usually read horror stuff or literature shits.
I found out that herbs are fascinating.
I am mad about herbs so much that I actually have dreams about seeing big patches of them
and feeling the utmost pleasure at having them right there in my kitchen.
I am an odd girl, that I am aware.

I am most definately tired.
Lack of sleep.
I just wanna get the finals over with so that I can claim back my wonderful sleep.
I spent more than 5 hours in the library everyday.
I am not getting a decent sleep and rest.

Im leaving in 2 weeks. Im excited. Cant wait to leave home.

Btw, I have a crush on JD Fortune of INXS. Hotness. Cair.

Friday, March 17, 2006

spoil.rotten.

I get scolded ever so often just because I love spoiling my kids rotten.
I mean where's the harm in that?
The kids are the only ones that kept me going.
The only ones that is able to make me smile whenever Im down.
Those kids are my life.
Of course, they pisses me off everyday but hey, I heart them with all my heart.
Qarl even barfed on me once because I was giving him comfort after being scolded by my sister.
Its stuff like this that pisses me off but makes me laugh later on.

I'd die just to get someone who'd spoil me rotten.
If you found one, hold on to him/her.
It sux not having one.

My kids = my nieces & nephews.

I love vampires too.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

final

There's nothing wrong about today. Really. Nothing.
Ok maybe just one.
I hate serving. Thats what I did today.
Serve people.
I so do not have a good PR.

Today was not as fun as last week, that I must admit.
Nothing beats cooking with frens.
Last week was the last time I get to cook with my groupmates,DH 22/Group 3.
Sad I am.

The next time I'll be cooking, it'll be with a whole new bunch of people.
That is after specializing in culinary.

Today and yesterday seems so final.
Everything's coming to an end.
No more kitchen classes with chef patrick.
Maybe I wont be seeing him after specializing coz it seems that he's leaving soon.
No more classes with Mr. Suhaimi coz there's no way in hell Im gonna specialize in F&B.
No more classes with Mr Daniel. Ever. That got to me the most. Its pretty obvious that I have the hots for him. lol.
Chef Patrick too.
Who in their right mind wouldnt?

je pars.

Finally,
Im going to Club Med for my industrial training.
Its like a dream come true,really.

Je suis heureux. Pourquoi ils ne sont pas heureux pour moi?
I mean really. I am the only person in this house who's basically happy for me.
The rest? Not so happy I guess.

BAH..Im leaving soon.

Bye-bye Subang Jaya.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

A little something from a great mind.

Where did you go?
Where did you go?
Was it something I said?
If love is the crime they say it is,
I might as well be dead.
I can't help the way I am,
my emotions run too deep,
You left without explaining why,
No more dreaming when I sleep.
There must be something wrong with me,
all friends take that that road,
I thought you were different,
you helped me carry my heavy load.
But it's weight brought you down,
like a bad drama role,
just a glimpse inside of me,
the anguish in my soul.
Where did you go?
Needed you to stay,
If only to play.
Now I sit alone in silence,
Afraid to say,Anything to anyone,...
Destined to be the lonely one.
It's something that's hard to bear,
turn around and no one is ever there.
You know I feel the words I write,
Alone with no friend in sight.
Only words on a page,
Like an old sage,
Sitting on my mountain top,
waiting for the next to try.
Hoping someone shows up before I die.
Never there
I don't know why I have a phone,
Nobody calls,
I'm all alone.
I sit on web to maybe chat.
Alone for weeks so that is that.
It's hard to do it all yourself,
When everyone has you up on shelf,
To only use when they need you,
and so you know what you must do,
to end the pain of lonliness,
and never have the chance to kiss,
cause all your friends are foggy mist,
with breeze blowing away.
The friends you tried to make today.
They used you till you had no more,
then left you outside at the door,
So soon someday you're giving up,
with no one there to fill your cup.
No reason to give, no reason to live,
no one to love,
hope it's different up above.
If just one person had taken time,
to call a friend, and ease my mind.
I wouldn't need to write these rhymes.
Of loneliness and despair,
Of having friends who're never there.
Really upset
Feeling upset is not a great feeling...
When you make me upset it makes me want to hit something,
but I stop and say "What the hell am I thinking" so I sit and wait...
Till this feeling goes away, but I keep waiting and waiting
and it seems like it's going to stay.
You made me feel this way,
you got me upset,
don't think for one minute that this is something I'll forget
it was your loss you f*cked up, s
o this is what you get!
I hope you hate this 'cause this is one thing I won't regret!
I hope you feel my pain,
I hope you feel my anger'cause to me...
From this point on, we will always be a stranger!
Its up to you
Life isn't a fairy tale,
A life isn't a game.
Not every star has a shine,
And not every death has a blame.
People have feelings,
And people can get hurt.
People can be lazy,
Or people can actually work.
It'a all up to you,It's your life.
Whether you change your ways,
Or you do what you do.
You can't take back,
What you did in the past,
So you have to go on with the future,
And make your life last.
So live the life the way you please,
And you do what you want to do.
Just remember what happens in the end,
Isn't because of them,
It's because of you.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Une confession.

Words cant even describe what Im feeling right now.
Mixed feelings of everything.
Am I happy? Or am I sad?
I dont know really.
I really dont.

What do I want?
I dont know.

Some people say that Im a feminist.
I dont disagree nor agree.
Just neutral I guess.
My mom thinks Im aneroxic mentally.
Its true.
I am.
I cant eat.
If I do, I'd take those stupid pills.
The pills are my life.
Im addicted to it.
It has been a year.

I spent almost RM 300 for books.
Professional Cooking and Jamie's Kitchen!
RM 259 & RM 71.
Jamie Oliver est mon idole !

Je me sens comme pleurer demain pour aucune bonne raison.
(I feel like mourning tomorrow for no good reason.)
I should.
BAH!.

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Premier essai.

Last thursday was a nightmare.
Everything about last thursday was so wrong.
Natural Disaster which has cost us our roof.
My little niece who's 4 months old went for an operation which didnt go well.
My sister who was so stressed about her baby ran into an accident because she fell asleep in the car while driving.
My dad's friend passed away on that very same day.
So yeah, last Thursday was definately bad luck.
I think the Higher Power above is telling us something.
Im aware of that.

The aftermath of Thursday.
Fixed our roof and now it is as good as new. Wait, it is new.
My niece, she's getting better and she's smiling!
My sister is alot better and happier because her baby's smilling.
My dad's friend has been burried safely.
Al- Fatihah.

You know what we should do?
A kenduri doa selamat.
I think its appropriate.
I should tell mom.

Today was not exciting.
Happy coz I got to visit Liyana.
God, I missed her.
Missed her laugher.
Missed her talking.
Everything.
And now after the operation,
she's still smiling.
But not as often as before.
She's talking.
But not as daring as before.
Its as if she's not herself.
And it hurts to see her suffering like that.
If I could trade places with her, I would.
Its amazing how much love you have for someone who's just 4 months old.
Then again, she's amazing.

Sometime today, I felt irritated and annoyed.
I feel used.
Like I only matter to people when they need me to do something for them.
I know stuff like this are only normal, but I dont like it.

Term 3 is coming to an end really soon.
How time flies when you're having fun.
It doesnt help knowing that you dont know where you're going for industrial training.
Im just shortlisted. I can be rejected. Thats my chances. 50-50.

Seul Im encore. Je veux que quelqu'un s'inquiète de moi et de I, pour lui. Si seul Im juste. Personne ne m'ont jamais indiqué qu'elles m'ont aimé. Ceci m'indique qu'il y a quelque chose mal avec moi.Je ne sais pas s'il y a une chose telle que l'amour. Ive non jamais vu lui. J'ai pensé que j'étais dans l'amour. Mais il a menti à moi. J'étais dans l'amour avec quelqu'un qui pas existe.Mal du distillateur Im. Je l'aime toujours tho. Tho ce qu'il dit à moi maintenant sont toujours des mensonges, Im mal de distillateur.

Ah, quoi que. Je n'ai pas besoin d'amour. Je pas un homme. Je ne veux pas être un homme slave. Im ma propre personne.

Yes, thats french. Je peux parler peu de french.If son mal, me pardonne.

I speak little french. Very little.

Monday, March 06, 2006

stupid

Im trying my best to please people.
Trying my best to make people happy.
And I guess its making me happy too.

These past few days has been ok.
OK because I didnt talk to Josh.
I know it is not wise to talk to him but I have to talk to him.
Im so used to him. Talking to him.
4 year's a long time.
Yes,of course Im hurt that he lied to me and cheated on me when all the while I was loyal to him.
What the hell? Im hurt big time!
Ive got all the reason in the world to be hurt.
He lied to me. He still is.
I really dont know why Im still putting up with his lies.
God.This makes me stupid.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Urgh

Mr Suhaimi said that its easy to get into Club Med.
I hope he's telling truth.

Truth is,
Im still shocked.
Possibly hurt.

I feel fat.
Urgh.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

I really dont know why it affected me that much,really.
I should be happy.
He's going to a daddy. Then why do I have these feelings?
ARGH. I hate having this feelings.
I think I still love him...