Because I wuv yew.

How can a person be so blind? When one has done so much? And so unappreciative.
Words can't even begin to describe my feelings.

If someone had told me last year that my life would be complicated beyond complicated, I would just honestly, laugh it all off.
Because, I don't do complicated.
Its either boring or uninteresting.
No more. No less.

But here I am today, trying to figure out how to untangle my complicated knots.
Why things happened in the first place, was beyond my control.
If I can make things go my way, trust me, I would have left earlier.
But things didn't go my way.
And despite numerous advices given to me by my lovelies, I stayed stubborn and continued what I started.
And now, I'm in too deep.
And I don't know how to stop.
And I'm not sure if I want to stop as well.
Because??
Because....
Because....?
Simple..
Because I love him.
Its as simple as that.

I call it love.
My lovelies call it infatuation.
I disagree.
But I respect your opinion regardless.

Why I do the things that I do for you, only because I want to and because I love you.
I never ask anything else in return but 2.
Honesty and loyalty.
Is it too much to ask?

Budak-budak lagi.

I'm amazed. I always thought my inner child is massive. I thought wrong it seems.
I found out certain people can make such a big fuss over something so petty.
Big fuss over some so petty is one thing, but those bunch can't even get their information right.
And they just bang me over in fb with no concrete evidence. How low can they go?
I chose to stay quiet because I know what I'm doing. And I believe what I'm doing right now is right.
And that I don't need to answer them or live up to their expectations because I am nothing like them.
Why I do the things that I do is my business. Why things happened in the first place is beyond my control.
If by making people look bad makes you happy, well go and knock yourself out.
It wont affect me.

Square one again.

Honestly & seriously, I don't know what has got into me. I didn't know life could be so complicated. I never knew I could be so weak.

Emotional roller-coaster. Yep. Definitely emotional roller-coaster. All the feelings that I've kept hidden all these years, came back without permission. And its driving me mental.

Tried crying it out, but to no avail. Simply because I'm a snowflake. Cold.

I was with someone for 31/2 years. It ended. In good terms.

Then I met someone new soon after. It's good when things are good. And horrible when things gets fugly.

Then I found myself being alone again. Then back together again.

Again, alone. Again, together.

I'm confused.

You drive me crazy. But I still love you.

Love vs stupidity?

Ive been finding the courage to reactivate my blog. I know it sounds stupid but Ive been wanting to for so long that I ended up logging out instead. I dont know why. I know Ive said this time & time again but I just feel like I have nothing else to say anymore.

The One Where I took pics with AAR =)

And so MTV Worldstage was last night. And I cannot emphasize enough how bumped I am still about having to work and not able to watch my favourite bands ( All american rejects & hoobastank ) Uber bumped.

But.............. Its not all bad. I got to see Kasabian, Boys like Girls and All American Rejects in person already. They came and had lunch/dinner in Fridays. I took a picture with All American Rejects!! woohoo. Though kurang clear. I dont care!! I got to see them eat for a full one hour!! Who cares right? Not forgetting Kasabian and Boys like Girls. Hoobastank went to Haagen Daaz and Romas instead. So still bumped there. Regardless, I am happy. Though I could have easily have gone to the concert if it wasnt because of work. I know I am capable of bodek-ing Jeff into giving me one of the tickets. He was bumped too coz he too had to work. Just like me. So dua2 frust. Jeff sold the tickets for RM 350 EACH! He sold 2. RM 700 buta-buta dpt. Haihz.

There's so much to tell. Dont know where to start. Dean quit his job. Starting a new job next month. A better offer. A place where he wont be mistreated. He was always tired when he was working at OldTown. I dont know. I am happy for him whatever it is. Said that he might be going back to Kuching soon-ish. Dont know how soon he's talking about. Probably because he wouldnt be able to celebrate Raya in kch. Thats why he wants to puasa a few days there. It makes sense.

I just heart him too much. Shhh. Dont tell.

I realized that my past didnt come back to haunt me. At least not really. I went hunting for it. And Ive stopped and regretted that I actually went for it. I thought it was something. It didnt happen then, I wanted to know if it could have been something now. No, it was a reminder of why it didnt happen and why it should never happen. So ok. Now thats out in the open, I should move on.

I am mostly very scared actually. I'm so scared to settle down. Not that I dont want to get married to Dean. I do! More than anything. I am scared that I might regret. There are so many things that I want to do that I havent done yet. I am deathly afraid that I might not be able to do it all before I get married. Everyone seems to be asking bila nak kawin. Not funny actually. Coz if I were to get married already, EVERYONE would know. I would tell! I want to know what it feels like to live independently. To have total freedom. To be able to go back late and not worry about people worrying about me. That sort of thing. I feel little left out in that sense.

I dah lama tak update my blog properly. I kinda miss letting all these out. They are very personal to me. Shhheeeshhh.

The All American Rejects and me =)

Rage!

I just found out that my facebook account has been hacked by a phsycho person. For what reason, I dont know. I have no access to my fb at all. That hacker has changed everything. So yeah. Its not looking so good right now. We'll see how that goes in a few days.

In the mean time, I think 2 people whom I used to call frens are now, for no reason, not talking to me. Even if I did something wrong, I think I deserve to know what is it that I did that pisses them off. So that I can make it right. But no, they just reject my calls and ignore my texts. So, I wanted to make peace with them by talking to them. But since they refused any kind of contact with me, I have decided that they should just go to hell. I tried to make things ok. What else should I do? By not telling me whats going on, doesnt make it right. So yeah, I guess since both of you have each other, you dont need anyone else. Its ok. I dont care anymore. With or without both of you pun I can live. Pfftt.

My past is back to haunt me. And Im letting it. And I shouldnt. Its not right. Its not me.
But I cant seem to stop wondering. What might have been. What could have been.