scream

Im losing it.

Please change.

Im putting 'RUNNING AWAY' by Hoobastank on repeat.
I dont know why.

No amount of words can ever describe how screwed up my life really is.
Work's a bitch, home is too.
Why can't I just lead this life of mine in peace.
Its enough that I have to constantly please people at work.
Do I have to it at home too?
Do I?
When nobody bothers to please me instead.

I am turning 22 this year, yet Im being treated like a 12 years old kid.
I kid you not.
I work for more than 10 hours a day.
Is it really wrong for me to stay up real late so that I can catch up with friends my age in cyberspace?
I need to do what people my age would do.

Why do you always, always have to bug me?
Why cant you leave me at peace?
I just wanna be left alone.

For once, I'd like to go home and not worry for 'him' to nag.
I'd like to go home for once thinking 'he'd' be in a good mood and not screw everyone else.
For once I'd like to go home and see 'him' being normal.

Why cant I just have a normal and functioning family?
Its Ramadhan!

I wish I could be one of those people who'd say 'Yeay its ramadhan!'.
But Im not.
And I dread it.
Not because I hate fasting.
I love fasting.
I just hate the things I have to go thru / things I have to put up with during this beautiful month.

A fren once said ' Dont ever let anyone spoil your ramadhan.'
Its a sweet thing to say.
I appreciate it.
But Ive grown up dreading it.
Ive grown to not look forward to it coz I knw really well what I have to see/go thru/put up with.
All of it concerns 'him'.

An evil thought came to mind once.
Ok, more than once.
Ok ok. All the time.
Sometimes I wish him dead.
I feel sinful for having such bad thoughts about a person who, without, I will not exist.

But I am so angry.
I dont have to go thru this.
I shouldnt go thru any of this.
I should always be a happy person just like the mask I put on in front of people.
I should never dread ramadhan.
I should know how to respect and not fear.
Coz I dont know how to respect.
All I know is fear.
If there's someone I look up to, I'd fear that person.
Coz I cant differenciate between fear and respect.
I grew up fearing 'him'.
I dont respect.
I fear him.

One should never have thoughts like mine.

Ive never asked for big things.
Ive never wished big things.
I am aware I may never be able to go to Aussie or Paris or States.
Coz I am aware that I was not born to be that lucky.
And honestly speaking, Ive given up hoping I'd be lucky enough to travel the world.
But, I have not given up on 'him'.
I still hope somehow, someday, 'he'd' change.

Hope that 'hed' realize that us, his childrens have feelings.
And these feelings need to be taken care off once in a while.
Just like how we, your childrens try to take care of your feelings.
Just like how we avoid offending you.
But it seems to me, the harder we try, the more we fail.

Then

I havent gotten time to do much of anything nowadays.
Its just so sad.
When I was leading a good life, I thought it wasnt good enough and that it could be better.
Now that Im leading this life, I cant help but ponder back to the past and how great it was and how I should have been more thankful then.
But I guess its no use to be sorry now.

Almost everyone I know. Close or not, are complaining that working life arent what they expected it to be.
Indeed, I agree.

Back in college, in Oenology class with Mr Daniel Chong, he told us all to enjoy college life while we still can.
He's a lecturer now and said that if there's anything he could do to go back in time and be a student again, he'd do it.
I never understood.
I do now.

I wish nothing more than to just go back to college and study and be with friends or back in club med and just let my hair go.
I'd do anything now than working.

I got around to buying Hoobastank's first cd again.
The one that I lost.
Listened to RUNNING AWAY.
Automatically brought me back to form 5.
Why?
I was such a fan then!
Back when nobody knew who Hoobastank was!
Id listened to that whole album over and over without getting bored.
I shared interest with Alea and Yaya.
We'd make fun of Doug Robb.
We'd sing together in class.
I'd surf to Hooba's website on a daily basis without fail.
Even sent out an email to Dan Estrin!
And even got a reply! lol!

I was such a rock chick then! LOL!
Hooba, Incubus, Disturbed, HIM etc was my cuppa tea!
I listened to Distubed before going to sleep and waking up to Disturbed.
Wonder what happened to that girl now?

Grr

I am pretty aware that Im not a good friend.
I feel so bad.
Zara's leaving for UK tonight and I cant send her off coz I'd be working.
Its bad enough that I couldnt attend her farewell party coz of work.
Im missing out alot of things.
Reuben's an RM too but he's got some time in his hands.
Bodoh sial.