Doing good deeds will lead to self satisfaction. But taking advantage of it will eventually lead to irritation and annoyance.
Thats the best way to describe my feelings.
People usually take me for granted. Fine. I accept that. Just dont take advantage. I'd get irritated.
I dont mind buying stuff for people. I dont mind giving lifts.
But it came to a point where I feel thats all Im worth.
People just need me when they need lifts or when they need something and want me to buy it.
Like my mom, she can just boss me around. She didnt care if I was tired or shit. The first thing that came to her mind when she saw me would be,
' Dee tolong mama beli beras. Eh, susu dah habis. Belila 2 3 tin. Pergi kedai uncle cina tuh.'
For the past month, Ive been my sister's driver. Like just now, she found out that she had to go back to Puncak Perdana coz her class starts tomorrow and she kept saying that she doenst have her stationary stuff. Without asking me, mom said,
' Ala, Dee kan ade. Suruh la Dee bwk baby pergi beli. Nanti susah plak. '
She didnt even care that I couldnt sleep last night and when I was about to sleep,my sister knocked on my door and asked me to take my shower coz she wanted me to drive her to puncak early in the morning.
I dont mind, I really dont. But pls ask. Im no Robot. I get tired too.
Due to my tiredness, I almost hit a lorry at the highway. We're ok but I dont like driving now. But I dont have much of a choice now do I? Im a driver.
I may sound exaggerating.I dont care what you think. Im hurt with the way people treating me.

Put all that away,
Im glad Im in Taylor's College and not UITM. Thats so not my place. I wouldnt fit in.

FALLING APART.

I've given away my heart,
So it could be torn into pieces.
He left me with the feelings of betrayal and being forgotten.
I'm so in love, yet so alone, with two years thrown away.
Feeling his absense hurts the most.
My constant urge to call is almost taking over, while on the other side, my cycle of feelings starts with rage.
Slowly going into sadness, rage again, desperation, devastation, and finally denial.
Every morning I open my eyes to emptiness.
Seeing a long black hallway with nothing in between.
This so-called love has taken over my life leaving me distracted.
Days pass by and now my emotions are going crazy.
Leaving me no choice but to vomit.
To empty my pesimistic thoughts.
To stop thinking my life is over.
To stop my tears everynight from falling.
To stop feeling like my heart has shattered into fifty pieces.
The hardest part of moving on is the jealousy on top of all my misery.
But soon enough I'll go to bed realizing I survived this struggle.
I need to escape my depression to continue breathing.
And regain my strength to love again.

THE TRUE REASON

He said he wouldn't leave me
he promised to be by my side
he said I'd be his forever
he promised we'd never divide

he was my soul, my life
he meant everything to me
he was my one and only
until he had to leave

they said that it was suicide
they said his life was rough
then I fell down to my knees
and I never got back up

I sat there crying for hours
my knees pulled to my chest
and right then at that moment
my life turned into a mess

everything i had
was right before my eyes
it left in such a hurry
I couldn't say goodbye


I thought about his words
the last he spoke to me
I didn't understand
he said he wouldn't leave

I blamed it on mysel
f it was my fault he was gone
then I told myself
there's no way I could go on

they said that it was suicide
they said that I gave up
but no one knew the true reason
the true reason was love

+ DeLaiLa +

Ive been writing & it feels really good to let go.
I'll write more.
Toodles.

I dont know what has gotten into me lately. I havent been myself and I dont know why. Little things piss me off and I'd be so cranky that I'd irritate both my mom and me. I feel helpless nowadays. I can feel the hatred that I have for my mom & dad inside of me. Its not much. But its there. And I always want to blame them for all the things that has happened. It shouldnt have happened. But it did. And I blame them. The feeling Im feeling now, all their doing. The way I am now, all because of them. And I dont know if thats a job well done. I am not weird. Just disturbed I guess. This is one of the reason I hate holidays. It makes my mind wander and I hate it. I hate being at home. I hate being apart of this family, sometimes. They're all I have, I know. But they make it almost impossible to survive. All that Ive said so far, it isnt nice. But thats exactly how I feel. Being the screwed-up basketcase me huh?

I feel like I dont matter. Just like how I dont matter to Josh. My parent dont care about me being in college. They've never asked me how my day was. They just dont care. Wanna know who they care? Everyone else but me. Especially my sister. Because she got into UITM. She's my parent's pride and joy. And she got everything. I know I know. Little things makes me sad. But hey, little things makes me happy too! The love that I have for my mother changed the day she said ' I regret putting you into college'. I dont know what I did wrong to deserve such harsh words. I didnt cry. My heart was. I was hurt. I still am.

Really, I dont know what has gotten into me. I am not myself. I cant do things that I love anymore. I cant even write nowadays and thats just sad. Writing used to make me feel better. Like a burden has been lifted off my shoulders. And now, I cant write a single line. And I dont know why.

Put all that aside, I still miss Josh. I know I said that Im over him and shit but I have to face the fact that Im not. Not sure if I will. Not sure if I want to. Its hard to get over a person when you've shared so much with him. When you opened your heart for him. Its not easy. I have to admit that there isnt a day where I didnt think about him. I'd wonder if he still remembers me and my existance on planet earth. Wonder if he's doing ok and that his health is not being a bitch to him. Think of what he's doing at the exact time I was thinking of him. Thinking if he's found another. And it hurts everytime. I believed him when he said he loved me. I believed him when he said he'd come and visit me. I believed him when he said I was all he ever wanted. I believed him when he said he'd come back to me after he's finished dealing with his demons. But he never came back. And I felt stupid. I will say this one last time. I love Joshua more than anything. And I dont think I can love another as much as I love him. First scar's the deepest? Indeed.

Its christmas season. And I had always loved this time around. I dont celebrate christmas but I found out that the decorations made me happy. It also reminds me of my childhoold memory when I was in London. I went to Tim's school coz they had some kind of a party. I was 4. London was new to me. I didnt know english then. My sisters talked me into going to the santa clause. I sat on his lap. He spoke in a language that I could not understand. I cant remember what he said coz I didnt understand english. But I do remember myself nodding at everything he said. More like a respond to his questions tho I didnt understand any of it. So in the end, I think he'd asked me to pick a gift which I did. It was a red colored boomerang. I loved it. It was 14 years ago but I could remember it oh so well. I'll go back someday. One fine day.

Sometimes I blame my mom for all the shitty moments.. And sometimes I blame my dad for not wanting to change. They could change but they dont want to. They could make a difference but they refuse. Now all thats left is what if's.

Correction, the line in the book says,
I loved you more that I did yesterday. And you wouldnt believe how much I loved you yesterday.

I was reading this book called 'Sam's letter to Jennifer' and it was the sweetest book ever. There was this line that says

' I love you more today than yesterday. And you dont know how much I love you yesterday'.

I cried.

Finals are over and done with! That's goodbye to term 2. I should be more serious in term 3.
I dont want to think about my finals anymore. I know I didnt do THAT good. I couldve done better.
Im disappointed. That's just soo Delaila. Study so hard and screw up in the end. Oh well..Its over and done.
Honestly,I thought I'd be in the corner crying when dec 15 comes around. It did come around and I didnt cry.
I did think about it but I did not cry. If I were still with Joshua, we'd be 2 years old now. On the 15th to be specific.
Im glad it came and passed without affecting me that much. It did but not that much.

I'm on vacation for 2 bloody weeks and I have absolutely no idea what to do. I know for a fact that Ice's gone to Awana Kijal coz she just text me. And she's making me jealous. She invited me along but I couldnt go coz I had to attend a wedding.*damn it* What I'd do for 2 bloody weeks!

Tzewa is hospitalised due to bronchitis.(is that how we spell it?) Poor baby. My niece. She's not even 2. Poor baby. Went to visit her yesterday and she was soo happy to see us all! She was jumping and singing.She's our musical box. And I could tell that she was bored coz she kept asking her dad to jalan2.She even ajak balik but she cant.Poor baby meera. Hope she'll get well soon.

I went to Ipoh today. I didnt get the chance to go to Setiawan la James! One fine day I hope. Visited my brother in law's family. The atmosphere was so different compared to my family.They're really close and together unlike my family. We're NOTHING like them. More like a total opposite. Abg Saiful's ( my brother in law) dad passed away on friday. Al fatihah.

Wanna know how I feel right now? Unimportant.
Whatever I do, will never be enough. My efforts will never be appreciated.
Whatever I say, will never matter.Never does.

Term 2 is comin to an end soon.
Term 3, here I come.
Lets just hope I'd pass my exams wit flying colors.
Been studying math for the whole day.Since yesterday.
So,Ive been a bit coockoo lately.

I miss mr hotness.

Wanna know how I feel right now? Unimportant.
Whatever I do, will never be enough. My efforts will never be appreciated.
Whatever I say, will never matter.Never does.

Term 2 is comin to an end soon.
Term 3, here I come.
Lets just hope I'd pass my exams wit flying colors.
Been studying math for the whole day.Since yesterday.
So,Ive been a bit coockoo lately.

I miss mr hotness.

I shouldnt be thinking about Joshua. I shouldnt miss him.
But I do. So much.
He's out there. Somewhere. Leading a life that has nothing to do with me.
He's forgotten all about me. And have I forgotten him?
No. I think about him everyday. He's all that I thought off. All that I can think of.
Maybe he's all that I want/need. But does he feels the same?
Probably not.

I'd like to think that I dont need a guy, but I cant deny the fact that I do.
Sometime I'd get so lonely being on my own. This is something that no fren a heal.
Im not desperate. I really am not. Coz if I am, I'd grab anyone.
But I dont want just anyone. I want Joshua or maybe Mr Hotness.
Still gatal. Being the ever so gatal Delaila.

I regret giving Joshua all of my heart and left none for myself.
Look at what its doing to me. Im broken. Shattered.
Guess he left it in a wooden drawer, and forgotten all about having it.
Can I have my heart back Josh?
I want it back. To move on. To start over. To forget you.
Maybe it is not a wise choice to be frens when you still have strong feelings for each other.
But he wanted to be a fren and he consider me as one of his close frens but he's ignoring me.
It has been more than a month.
In short I hate him when I love him.

That hot mysterious Tourism dude smiled at me! Wow. Im happy.
I was the Restaurant Manager yesterday. I'd like to think I did a good job but I dont know.
Ben screwed me over.As usual.
Today was our last Oenology Class. It was fun.
Mr Hotness remembers my name and said it with a slang.
My heart melted right then and there.
It melts whenever I see Mr Hotness aka Mr Daniel.
Ahahah..Kegatalan.
Soong broke my sister's camera.
Im screwed.It was my fault partly.Haih.Im gonna go bonkers really soon.
In short,Im in LOVE..

Ive been having cough since last week and its getting annoying.
Went to the clinic twice and no improvement.
Haih..its hurting my chest.
And I expect myself to be in a good condition when tuesday arrives.
Coz thats when I'll become the Restaurant Manager and I want to prove
to myself,my parents and frens that Im not a complete whackjob.
Coz it seems to me that no matter how hard I try,
there will be people better than me.
Some dont even study half as hard as I do.
And its frustrating,really.
I work really hard and all I get is average.
How on earth am I going to be the Valedictorian?

At least Ive passed up all my assignments and all I have to do now
is study for my finals which is in less than 2 weeks.
Thats scary.
How time flies.
The last thing I remembered was me,still working in MPH.
Thinking if I'll ever leave MPH and study.
And at this very moment,
I can call myself a college student.
Me, Delaila, Taylor's School of Hosptality student.
Im happy.

Honestly speaking,
I kinda miss working in Mph.
Went to parade just now, and saw everyone that I used to work with.
I miss everything about it.
Most of them left mph, but still.
I dont know how to describe the feeling.
Whenever I go to mph,I wanna work again and yet I dont wanna give up studies.
I came this far.
Oh well..

The cough's killing me.
I havent updated my blog in the longest time,I know.
I dont know what to write anymore.
Life's not that interesting.
Mine specifically.
I'll brag more when I finally have a guy in my life ok?
cheerioz..