I dont know what has gotten into me lately. I havent been myself and I dont know why. Little things piss me off and I'd be so cranky that I'd irritate both my mom and me. I feel helpless nowadays. I can feel the hatred that I have for my mom & dad inside of me. Its not much. But its there. And I always want to blame them for all the things that has happened. It shouldnt have happened. But it did. And I blame them. The feeling Im feeling now, all their doing. The way I am now, all because of them. And I dont know if thats a job well done. I am not weird. Just disturbed I guess. This is one of the reason I hate holidays. It makes my mind wander and I hate it. I hate being at home. I hate being apart of this family, sometimes. They're all I have, I know. But they make it almost impossible to survive. All that Ive said so far, it isnt nice. But thats exactly how I feel. Being the screwed-up basketcase me huh?

I feel like I dont matter. Just like how I dont matter to Josh. My parent dont care about me being in college. They've never asked me how my day was. They just dont care. Wanna know who they care? Everyone else but me. Especially my sister. Because she got into UITM. She's my parent's pride and joy. And she got everything. I know I know. Little things makes me sad. But hey, little things makes me happy too! The love that I have for my mother changed the day she said ' I regret putting you into college'. I dont know what I did wrong to deserve such harsh words. I didnt cry. My heart was. I was hurt. I still am.

Really, I dont know what has gotten into me. I am not myself. I cant do things that I love anymore. I cant even write nowadays and thats just sad. Writing used to make me feel better. Like a burden has been lifted off my shoulders. And now, I cant write a single line. And I dont know why.

Put all that aside, I still miss Josh. I know I said that Im over him and shit but I have to face the fact that Im not. Not sure if I will. Not sure if I want to. Its hard to get over a person when you've shared so much with him. When you opened your heart for him. Its not easy. I have to admit that there isnt a day where I didnt think about him. I'd wonder if he still remembers me and my existance on planet earth. Wonder if he's doing ok and that his health is not being a bitch to him. Think of what he's doing at the exact time I was thinking of him. Thinking if he's found another. And it hurts everytime. I believed him when he said he loved me. I believed him when he said he'd come and visit me. I believed him when he said I was all he ever wanted. I believed him when he said he'd come back to me after he's finished dealing with his demons. But he never came back. And I felt stupid. I will say this one last time. I love Joshua more than anything. And I dont think I can love another as much as I love him. First scar's the deepest? Indeed.

Its christmas season. And I had always loved this time around. I dont celebrate christmas but I found out that the decorations made me happy. It also reminds me of my childhoold memory when I was in London. I went to Tim's school coz they had some kind of a party. I was 4. London was new to me. I didnt know english then. My sisters talked me into going to the santa clause. I sat on his lap. He spoke in a language that I could not understand. I cant remember what he said coz I didnt understand english. But I do remember myself nodding at everything he said. More like a respond to his questions tho I didnt understand any of it. So in the end, I think he'd asked me to pick a gift which I did. It was a red colored boomerang. I loved it. It was 14 years ago but I could remember it oh so well. I'll go back someday. One fine day.