tell me your dreams.

Life sometimes leaves me dazed
with no way to stumble
through the maze I seek peace
and ask for the release,
nothing seems real,
it seems I cant feel.
So much pain on my heart rains,
wonder whats after death?
is that the best path?
is it really just black or does it hold the light I lack?
sometimes I cut,
digging through the hurt
cause my tears cant ease my fears.
Why should I stay when the pain in me lays,
but even at death I lose guess its not for me to choose,
so through life I crawl and try not to drop the ball,
who knows what the future holds?
or when I have to fold.

-Hmm.Really cant find the right words to describe my feelings and thoughts.Guess that should do.It has been a while.I havent been doing poetry for a while now.All that I did these past month was composing an essay of my hellish life.ahaks.More like vent actually.Helps me to let go.I have to really think deep if I were to write a poem but unlike an essay,its kinda free verse.It can be as long as you want and it doesnt have to rhyme.Not that my poems rhymes.Well maybe just some.

- My mom is so excited for my sister.She's going for an interview with UITM tomorrow morning.And I feel so stupid.Feel like a total Dumbshit actually.She got a call back and I got rejected.You see whats it doing to my self esteem?Not that I have any,but heck,its even lower.She's so happy for my sister.I am too but Im envious too.Who in their right mind wouldnt?

- I feel pressured too.Home and work.Mr Ong pulled out returns for me.He shouldnt have done that!I mean,I should be doing it but I wanted to help K.Ummu by not taking out any returns coz I can see that she's had enough.She has 100+ cartons to handle ok? I was just being considerate.But I guess people just dont care that I was doing K.Ummu a favor.And now I feel so damn bad that Mr Ong did my job.How can I face him now? He mustve thought that I was a total dumbshit.Not worth hiring.Haih..I was just doing K Ummu a favor..I really did..Selfish salah.Tak selfish pon salah.Susah la.

- Another thing to feel pressured about is my education.I should be getting my MMU results now.My sister got it early.Maybe I didnt get in thats why they havent sent me any letter.Can I get anymore unlucky than I already am now? My dream would be studying hospitality.The other day I was convinced that my mom wanted me to take up tessl if I dont get into MMU.But now she's asking whether Im interested in tourism.What does she think I am?A yo-yo? I mean Im flattered that my mom cares but to change her decision that drastic? Dont I have a say?Oh well.Ive sait it once,I should let her decide.Might do me some good.

- I was reading my previous conversations with Josh.It made me cry.I missed him so much.I dont know what Ive missed.I lost 'THE MOST SWEETEST' guy Ive ever met.He was the love of my life.He still are.He drew a potrait of me.lol.It was really sweet.I was touched.I'd do anything just to talk to him again.He was on last night but I missed him coz I talked to his cousin instead.Guess we're not meant to be.I really-really-really have to see him.Its driving me crazy.I dont know much but I do know I love the guy.

- IM off.night.