Goodbye 2006!

Welcome 2007!


In a few hours, we'll be saying hi to a new and hopefully wonderful year. I have to say Im excited. I dont know what's install for me in 2007. And thats the best part, not knowing. Considering today's the last day of Dec and the last day of 2006, I just want to reminisce. Everything.

Last night, when I was at Shadz's & Hanzy's place, I received the most ridiculous text message ever. Yeah, ever! Kak Ogy congratulated me becoz she heard that Dean & I are engaged. I was like stunned. Literally. Ive never heard something so ridiculous in my entire 20 years of being alive. I dont know from who she got the news from and I dont really care honestly. Its not true. I mean, yeah. Its not true. We're together. Going on strong but we've never discussed about getting engaged anytime soon. Thats just bizzarre. I told Dean. He said people in club med like to talk about others and that they like to make up rumours. HAR HAR HAR.


Oh well. Nothing exciting happened during the first 3 months this year. College happened. I had a blast in term 3. No kidding. Classes was fun. Things were the same. I havent started skipping classes yet. College was everything to me. Was not attached. Life was predictable and boring.


April - June was fun. Industrial training in Club Med happened. Met alot of nice people. I even have brothers there. And Im missing them. Mike has gone back to Indonesia tho. I miss him heaps. I was truly happy there. I know what happiness felt like. It was great. Met Dean too. Never talked to him. As in a conversation.


July - Sept was a drag. Was not excited to go back to college. Skipped alot of classes. Even practical classes. Subjects was a bore. Honest. Had to decide where I wanted to go for my 2nd industrial training. Did not hesitate in picking Club Med coz I was already dating Dean. So yeah.


Oct - Nov was great. Went back to Club Med. Spent a whole lot of time with him. Got to know him alot better. Love him even more. It was a blast. I have no words to describe it. It was just magical.


Dec sgt bosan. Stayed home the whole month. Dean came but it didnt go smooth. Not gonna go in depth. Not a good memory. Conflict dgn Dean. It was not great. I thought I was gonna lose him. But now we're ok. Still going strong. Stronger than ever. I love him more than ever. I swear.


So basically, 2006 is/ was a good year for me. I found Dean when I was not looking. I just hope 2007 will bring more happiness and less weight. haha.. Oh well.. Thats all..

Sometimes words cant justify my thoughts. My feelings. Alot of things are bugging me. And I badly want to let it go. I really do. But I dont know how. Like I said. Words cant justify my thoughts & feelings. It used to work. I wonder why it doesnt anymore.


I still remember this time around last year, I was busy shopping for restaurant stuff. I was the Restaurant Manager so I had to shop for things like centerpieces. Whatever you feel like making. I cant quite remember what I did tho. But I did something simple. I could never do something bizarre. Its not my nature. Since Christmas was around the corner, I made my dear servers wear santa hat. They looked adorable. And how could I forget Ben, the dude who screwed me up that day! I'd never forget him. All I wanted was for things to go on smoothly and predictable. But no, he just had to screw me. I already knew he had something against me. But I didnt think he'd do something to jeoperdize ( whatever) my grades. I was being graded. But I guess I did fine. Nothing extraordinary.


Dec 23rd is just around the corner. I thought this year's would be different. But I guess its gonna be just like the previous years. The different would be having Dean in my life. And Im grateful. Really. Just bumped I guess. I really wanted to see him on the 23rd Dec. He's bumped all the same. Even more I guess. He's missing his sister's engagement just becoz his leave cant be approved. What bull is that?!! Haih. So yeah.


When he told me that couldnt come down to KL and back to Kuching, I got teary. After we hung up, I cried my arse off. I dont know why I cried so hard. But it was hard for me to swallow that I wont be seeing him anytime soon. And the fact that I dont know when Im going to see him again, is just scary. Ive looked forward to it ever since I came back. And home sux. Having him for just a day would heal ya know.


We're still going strong. Stronger than ever. Half a year next month. Time flies. We're still getting to know each other. But I dare say, we've moved up to another phase. A deeper phase. And its nothing but amazing. To know that a certain guy is just as serious as you and as commited as you in making sure that this relationship work, is just amazing. He's not just my bf. He's someone I can talk to. He'll lend his ears whenever I wanna talk. It feels good. Really.

I dont trust in BFF. There's no such thing. There's no such thing as best friends either. Its just a pack of bull. And Im sick of it. Im glad I dont have one. I dont ever want one. I dont have that many frens. And its by choice actually. And I just realize that other than Chai Yi, no one's my friend now. I mean, yeah. They can be my fren, if I call them and ajak minum. And if I dont call and ask them out, it'd be just like this. Silent. No calls. For once, I want people to ajak me instead of me calling ppl up and asking them out. Im thru with it. Im sick with it. For once I want people to call me and ask me keluar because they want to hang with me and not because they need to get sumthing. Just because I drive. Not fair tau. Betul2 tak fair. I have feelings too. I dont like to be ignored. And I really dont like to be treated this way. But hell. Its too little too late now innit? I do have feelings. I do i do.


I dont know how I changed. Either way, I'd still make time for my frens if only they'd make time for moi. Oh well, they're not worth it. Fuck it.

I have McChicken from McDonalds on the table. Im hungy. And the burger's for me. But why arent I eating? Why cant I find the courage to go to the table and eat the stupid burger? I dont know whats wrong with me. I havent been eating lately. I cant eat. I'd regret if I do. But starvation arent flattering ya know. But Im so hungry.. Why do I have to always control my food? Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I can eat anything I desire without having to worry what it will do to my physical appearance. Really. Ive always controlled my appetite. I cant remember when was the last time I ate anything without having to worry. Ahahaha. Its really hard to lose weight. And for me to actually become like this, not exactly skinny but not plum either. Just nice, was what my mom say, was not easy. I had to starve myself for 6 months. No rice. No chocs. No junk food. Nothing delicious. Just roti bodoh. I know roti is carbs. You need carbs. Not much. Just a little. So yeah. I lost weight. Sampai s'rang. I used to be sickly skinny. They say la. But I tak ingat bile pun. When I look into the mirror, I still look fat. I still feel fat. I guess that my problem, not yours.

I should eat that McChicken now. Im starving like fuck.

I DONT LIKE THE LUMP ON MY EYE!! GET THE FUCK OFF! EERGGGGHH..

Was browsing thru old pictures. Maybe just maybe I do miss college. Maybe just a little. I dont know. I dont miss the studying tho. Who does? I miss the enviroment. People. Lecturers. Wearing formal attire. Coz it really does build my self-esteem.Not much, but self esteem all the same.I have a bloody lump on my right eye. It was like before. I had to go for surgery to get rid of that stupid thing and now its bloody back. Gila. I aint going to surgery no more. Enough is enough. Needles are scary.Bloody hell.

Ive got training pictures to post. But uploading it takes a LONG TIME and if you know me at all, you'd know that Delaila does not have that MUCH patience. Bahhhh..

I am so free nowadays that its unbelievable. I should start on my reports. I should. I should. But I dont have the heart to start nor to write about club med coz honestly speaking. I so miss that place. Really do. And the mere thought that I might never go back, scares me. And even if I do go back, it wouldnt be the same. Nope, it would not. I can go on & on & on about club med and you still wouldnt understand the phase that im going thru. So, Imma just stop now about Paradise.

I am going crazee not seeing Dean. And it has only been a week. Already its driving me up the walls. Can u imagine, a month? Put me in an asylum. lol. Kidding. Kangen skali ama Dean. Beyond words. I wish I can be there for him this time around. I wish that the most. I heart you , Sayang. Muah muahh.

So ok, if I dont continue my higher dip, Im going back to Club Med to work. They've offered me already. Why waste the oppurtunity? It is Club Med. And I was dreadfully happy there. So, why not right? Its not like I have anything else here. I have nothing. Im bored outta my wits here.


I'd rather kena bebel dengan Kak Ani than being in Subang. Stressful tau kena bebel ngan Kak Ani. But its nothing I cant handle. Ive gone thru worst. Trust me. Anyways, I have to say that I was not lucky in my 2nd training. Why? Coz they put me in Vege Room. I was frustrated like fuck ok? But I didnt have much of a choice. So I just went on with it. Tried to look at things in a positive perspective. I mean, I may not be at the buffet but I can improve on my cuttings. I can learn about the village's menus and recipes. That was what I did. I asked around.


Since they campak me in the vege room, I had to work straight when majority of the people there worked split hours. Since Kak Teh didnt wanna renew her contract, I was left alone in that god forsaken room. I didnt know what to do. I was so sloow. Felt like I was disappointing people. There was this one time, I almost cried. But Abang Adi ( Fine Dining Chef) comforted me saying that I was new and that I'd do better all in good time. I think I improved. I know what needed to be done. But speed wise, grr.. I only have 2 hands.. And with this 2 hands I had to prepare for lunch, dinner and lunch again. It was exhausting. I skipped lunch most of the time. But no one really appreciated my efforts. All they thought was how slow I was. Originally, Watie was in Hot Lunch. She was in charge of the Italian Corner. So after the buffet closes, she'd be in the vege room preparing for lunch the next day. So when Watie left for Hot Dinner, Assan took charge preparing lunch. I didnt even help Assan or Watie coz I was busy with Dinner's stuff. So can you imagine how I had to work when they said that I had to prepare for lunch too? Alone? I only have 2 hands. Work started at 8 and finished at 5. SUPPOSED. But no. I came in early. Skipped lunch. Went back late. No one appreciated my efforts. Not a single thank you. Choi, K. Ogy and others said that for a trainee, I worked to damn hard. I had no choice really. If I didnt do it, no one would. And it'd be my head on the chopping board. So I had to get it done no matter how tired I was.


Work is work. It never stops. It'll never stop. You just hafta deal with that. I dealt with it. But what makes Club Med so special was the people. The enviroment. Really. I had a family there. The Kitchen team are my family. Whenever I skipped my lunch, there'd be someone to bring me food or drinks. Always. And if I didnt take my breakfast, which was often, Nita or Abang Asereje ( Abg Zali) will get me some nasi lemak. And after the buffet closes, Mak will give me pizza. Or Zidane will get me something. Anything.. I miss those moments. I miss KhomKham too!!


YES! DEFINATELY GOING BACK WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS. BACK TO BLUE BYOU..

Things has gone from bad to worse. How did it happened? I left for 2 months and everything's changed. Maybe not everything but almost. And Im not enjoying it. Im not gonna go in depth as to what has changed. Lets make it short, Delaila hates changes. Farking hate it.


Today's my 2nd day back from Club Med. And it sucked. Mainly coz I was so used to a hectic day back in Club Med and now that Im back, Im basically free all day long. Im bored outta my wits. If given a choice, I wouldnt come back. Honest.


Missing Dean greatly. How can I not? Having him for 2 months is one thing, we got alot closer lately. Hard not having him around. Really. Bahhhhhh....Gile.......... Im going kerazeeeeeeee..


My brother's leaving for Kedah tomorrow. It seems that he's got a job there. So he's moving.. Pretty sad. It was odd seeing him cry just now. I've never seen him cry. NEVER. ahahah..Its gonna be different without him around. I hope he'll do great there.


Shit happens.

Currently in Kuantan Parade with Cinta. Spent the night at Auntie's also with Cinta. Was fun. Felt like Im apart of a functional family. Not that mine is dicfunctional but you know what I mean.


2 more weeks. Im excited and sad at the same time. But there's no doubt that Im very happy here. No doubt. If given a chance, I dont wanna go back. Thats the truth. Im dreadfully happy here. But work's a fuck la. That I have to admit.



I know for a fact that when I get back to Subang, I'd read this post and wished that I'd had spent my time better here. I know. I think Im spending my time here fine. Just having a hard time figuring out a way to cherish it better. Coz I know I can do it so much better.



I DONT WANT TO GO HOME. SUBANG SUX!!!!!!

Oh hey.Havent updated my blog for a long long time.Had no time nor the resources to do so.
Currently, in Mike's room in Club Med. Bored outta my wits coz I dont click with my roomie..Bosan la her. Annoying too. I thought Im messy. In her case, times 3. Haha.. All in all, I have to admit that my first training was so much better. Prolly coz I had Ice, Ika, Wee2, Venny, S'nia & Zara. I was not alone. And this time, Im all alone. No one wanted to come back. The sole reason as to why Im back to CM is Dean. ahaha. He's been a doll.. Really..
Time flies. Another 25 more days to go. Whats after 25 days? Reality. Where it bites. And Im not looking forward to it. College.Assessments. Presentations. Results. Ergh. Bosan.
Anyways, if what I have to go thru now, I had to go thru in the previous training, I wouldnt come back. Dean or no Dean. Serious. Tak tahan la kerja sorang in the stupid vege room. Im a specialized cuisine student and they campak me in vege room? C'mon.. The other 2 trainees yg msk kitchen, they get to change departments when it is a well known fact that there's no way that they're going to specialize in cuisine coz there's no cuisine specialization anymore.Sedey la.. If Kak Teh ada lagi, can tahan. Now that she's gone, the work that we used to do together, I have to do alone and thats not cool. Stress. I skipped my lunch most of the time. I had to. Coz I stop working, it wouldnt be done. I dont know. I feel like shit la. Nathan and Moka kept saying that Im doing a good job. But if I am, why do I feel so shitty? Nathan and Moka are the Asst Exec Chef. I feel like Im disappointing people. I wanna be independent but sometimes I just dont know how. Sometimes, I wish people could see my efforts. I want them to appreciate the things that I do. But its almost impossible here. People here.. Hmmm. Lets just say you could never satisfy them.
The good part. Dean of course. I get to spend time with him. To see him on a daily basis. Its all good. Surreal actually. Haha..But he's pretty busy lately. With everything. He's got no off for 2 weeks already. Kesian him. He's tired. I can tell. He looks tired.
Raya in Club Med sgt sedey. Had to work on the first day of raya. At 6 am some more. Bercinta saya nak bgn at 530 am.haha.. When everyone else sibuk beraya, I was in the vege room. Potong sayur. When everyone else makan ketupat or rendang or lemang, I makan nasi lemak in vege room
When sume orang pakai baju raya baru, saya pakai baju kitchen yg bapak besar.Mmg sedey la. Haih..
Anyways, I gotta run...Will update later or when I get back to Subang. toodles.

Life's been so shitty lately. No doubt. I stood my frens up. And thats not cool. I know they're gonna hate me for doing that..But I didnt do it on purpose. Really. Honest. I looked forward to bukak puasa with Shadz,Hil,Yokey and Hanzy.Really. Dalam byk2 hari, my dad chose to mengamuk yesterday. The day that Im supposed to go out. My maid dah ironed my dad's pants and all. And he said she tak ironed properly and all. He took all of his ironed pants and rendam dalam air. And as if he hadnt learnt any manners in this lifetime, he go and tendang my room and shouted at me and shit as if I had no feelings. And he just left. Then I turun ah. My mom told me what happened. Then she told me to take softlan and basuh his pants.Fine.I did just that. So while I was at it, he came down and told me to just rendam his blardy pants. And when he asked if I dah letak softlan, then i said yes la..He buat muke and said I shouldve asked him what to do. Like Im gonna ask him when his in THAT kind of mood. Then he buat turun segerombolan baju pulak for me to basuh. Like WTF? I really feel like a kuli batak tau. Dah la i blew my frens off. Im having rather a hard time explaining to them.Sorry is all I can say. Then after he marah2..He ordered me to masak for him. Fine. While I tgh masak,he datang. Mcm baik. Nak pujuk2 ah tu after treating me like shit. As if i have no feelings. Having him in the kitchen when i was cooking was hellish. Everything pon tak kena. As if he knows better. masak telur pon tak betul. Then when bukak puasa, he complained about my cooking. He said to cukup rasa la. My mom tak puasa,she said ok. I tak puasa, I tasted it. I thought it was ok. WTF. Basically, yesterday was hellish. I wanted to jumpe my frens later that night, after my dad pergi terawih. He tak pergi terawih. Pissed off weyh. Then Yoke called saying that they're leaving and headed to starbucks in 15. I couldnt go. I guess I didnt tell Yoke clearly that I couldnt go. She called later on.Asked if I was going. I know Hil was pissed. Im sorry. There's things that I really cannot avoid. And there are things that I cannot explain. I hope sorry's enough.

Im leaving tomorrow. Not as excited as I thought I'd be. I donno. Im just not in the mood. I'll get better.

My primary school is just across the street. Whenever the school's having an assembly, I could hear.

Its just that, I am almost never awake whenever they do.

But I woke up rather early today coz I was supposed to meet Chai Yi around 11 am in MV.

Anyways, I dont know what they had in school today but whatever it was, singing was involved.

No complaints about the singing. Hell those kiddos can really sing. Much much better than me, if I may add.

But what suprised me the most was that those kiddos was singing songs like Unfaithful - Rihanna.

I mean c'mon. They cant be no more than 12? And they're singing that sort of songs?

What do they do about cheating? Love? Being dumped? Man, kids these days. Advanced nak mamposs.

Even me myself mase primary tak gatal. Takut dgn lelaki ade ah.

Lateeeeeeeer on mase high school je baru jinak2. Hish..

Today was different from my monotonous routine. Went to MV with Chai Yi. Plan was to buy something for Dean & Mike.

Had a hard time looking for gifts. Barang for guys are just so boring. NO OFFENCE. Wanted to get Dean a Zippo but couldnt find any. When I gave up, *angels voices* There it was. Bile dah jumpe satu. Jumpe lagi satu. Tak pe ah. Ended up buying one. PRICEY TAU! it was RM 94! 94 bucks for a freaking lighter! Gile ah Dee. And to think I dont fancy smokers? Grr..Ahahah..Im not encouraging him to smoke. I just didnt know what to get for him. Dont know what he'd like. Right now Im thinking whether or not nak kasi coz Dean mcm disappeared for 5 days edi without trace. I know la he's in Phuket. But..... Its not cool to make Delaila worry for a day. LET ALONE 5 DAYS! grrrrrrr..

Saya tak puasa. mUhahahah..Actually today's my 4th day tak puasa. Big deal. Agak potong coz awal-awal bulan puasa ni semangat nak puasa then on the 2nd day of puasa, CANNOT puasa. Potong betul la. Haih.

Chai Yi dodol belanja Dee milo. But Dee simpan dalam bag coz takkan nak minum kot. Lol..Muahahahaha..

' All my bags are packed,

I'm ready to go....'

Hahaha..Not really..My bags arent packed yet. Its funny tho. Ive never really unpacked my bags after I came back from Club Med. I guess somehow I know, I'd go back. Someday. And that someday is this SUNDAY. Which is very sudden. Im happy and sad all at the same time.

Am I being selfish? I mean, my mom's sick and Im leaving her & the rest of my family for 2 months. Am I selfish?

I didnt know how to tell my parents that Im going back. It was a heavy burden. Now that they know, feels like the burden has been lifted off. A good good feeling.

The feeling thats haunting me - Guilt. Grr..

Geram. Lepas satu-satu.

4 more days to go..

6 more days to go..

Approximately 3 years ago,
in form 5.
There was this one time,
I couldnt remember which teacher,
but she asked all of us what was our plan after SPM.
She made us go forward and talk about it.
I couldnt quite remember what the rest of the class said.
I couldnt remember what I said!
But I do remember what Alicia Leong said.
She had everything planned out.
It was scary to me.
She said she wanted to an economist.
Wanted to do A Levels and the go abroad and all.
And guess what she is abroad.
Us or something.

Point is that,
when I heard Alicia's plans for her future,
it made me realize how unprepared I was.
I didnt know what I wanted to be.
Where I wanted to study.
What course I wanted to take.
Alicia scared me.

I wanted to do Law but then not really.
I loved to bake then but it didnt occur to me that
I wanted to be a chef.
And when SPM's over and done with,
when everyone was doing something.
When everyone took up a course that they like,
it hit me that I wanted to do hospitality.
I wanted to learn more about cuisine.
But convincing my parents was hard.
I had to work for a year & a half before I could study.

And now Im doing what I like.
My passion.
Im in the right path.

Last night, I was reading a book.
Some chic lit.
I needed some light reading.
It struck me.
I want to write my own book.
I love to write.
I can write.
I have faith in my.
I still want and will be a chef.
Just that I want to be a writer too.
Wouldnt it be great?

Delaila, a chef cum writer.

wow. I can live with that.

It is a well known fact that I dont click with my parents esp my dad.
Love them but hate them all at the same time.
I guess its only normal.
Most people go thru this too.
I know Yoke does.

Who would've thought that I would have so many things in common with Yoke?
I mean, she is no doubt one of my bestie.
And our family situation is similar that its scary.
Oh well.
Thats good.
Coz now I know who I can really talk to.
Not that I cant talk to you Hil, I can.
Just that, you have a happy family.
And you click with both your parents.
I farking envy you.
No shit.

I dont see the point of fasting if all you're doing is sleep and sleep and sleep.
And when bangun, mengamuk tak tentu pasal.
I cannot tahan la.

Its ironic since my mom is sick and she's been going to places that she thinks
will do her good.
Like SJMC..Ok sjmc ok la..
But she's been visiting the witchdoctor too.
Its really up to her really but I find it ridiculous.
My dad is trying to help my mom and shit.
It shows.
He's really trying.
And put aside that he's a major pain my in arse,
he is indeed very caring but just dont know how to show it.
Im not used to seeing him all helpful and all.
I swear to God I dont know if I'll ever be able to get used to it.
I grew up fearing him.
And no matter how nice he is or wants to be,
its not gonna change the fact that I am tremendously scared of him.

Anyways,
him being nice to my mom is getting on her nerves.
He annoys her.
He is nice and mengade at times.
And my mom always always cakap that the only reason why she's sick is becoz of him.
We've got some financial thing going on and my dad's not helping and shit.
Stuff like that.

Like I said,
Ironic.
My dad wants to cure my mom when all the while the things thats making her more
and more sick is HIM.

Anyway,
today I woke up on the wrong side of the bed.
Pissed the whole damn day.
I even marah Shiver which is very very uncool considering Ive never
shouted at her.
Poor soul.
And to think that I had the heart to shout at one of God's greatest creation?
Sorry shiver.
I was worried the whole damn day coz I didnt hear from Dean.
Sumbat saya.
But Chai Yi was a doll..
She helped me.
Aahaha..

Oh well..
Toodles~

Dean. Dee. KLIA.


Love makes you do stupid things. But its worth it.

Like, driving for an hour to meet HIM and spent only 15 minutes together?
Haha..Like I said, its worth it.

Tho it was brief, it was great. It was great to see him really.
No words to describe the feeling.
It was great.

He got me a bracelete from Kuching. I think its gorgeous.
I love him heaps. Really really do.

Having him in my life is a blessing. Sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve such a special guy. Really.
I know Im not the nicest girl. It makes me wonder.

Sometimes I think too much. I want to do so much.
And I tend to keep my emotions hidden coz I fear of losing him.
I hate losing.
hmm..

I went to see Dean today in KLIA. Oh such joy~
Didnt think I'd see him considering my dad said no.
But to my surpise, my dad woke me up this morning and said I should go see him.
HAPPY!!!
So I went.
When I saw him, I was speechless.
I peluk him tak nak lepas.

Ecomonics are over and done with.Im glad.
It wasnt as hard as thought it'd be.
I think I did well. I hope.

Marketing & Food Science tomorrow.
Im confident.
Ala, Dee sentiasa confident but in the end?
Never good. Never satisfied.
Im only human.

Went to parade for awhile.
Ive always preferred parade than any other malls.
Tho parade has limited shops but I find it relaxing.
But parade looks different now.
How long have I not been to parade? hmm..
3 weeks I guess.
Ever since the accident.
Oh, I got my car back.
I now appreciate my car more than ever.
Its really tough not having a car and having my dad driving me around.
There's nothing wrong with it. Really.
Its just that if you know my dad, you'd know what Im talking about.

Went to MPH. Old sweetheart.lol.
There's something about that place really.
I went in and there was the sense of familliarity.
Oh yeah, that coz I worked there before.
I cant believe I left MPH more than a year ago.
I saw Mr Ong and remembered the time when I worked under him.
Oh boy was he hard to keep to.
I respect him. He worked from the very bottom to the very top.
Ok so not to the very top, but being a manager is something.
I saw the books that I used to call my babies.
I saw the suppliers. And they remembered me!
Oh such horror.
I remembered having to be at the Cashier 1 and do the PO.
After PO, do the returns which was a pain in my arse.
Not just a pain in my arse, also in my back. Literally.
Sakit belakang ok angkat2 kotak. Ish.
So many good times.
Would I go back?
I dont know.
I'll get back on that.

Right now, at home.
Not happy being home.
So stressful.
I hate home.
I hate to be the only one stuck in this farking house.
I hate having to put up to complaints.
I hate having to listen to people bitch about others.
I hate having to carry people's burden.
Burden that I shouldnt carry but its on my shoulders and theres nothing I can
do to lift it off.
I hate having to be fake.
There's still the rebellious side of me that is yet to be unleashed. Soon.
When I cant take it anymore.

So worried. About everything.
Take this feeling away.
Please pretty please?

They've confirmed me. Im going back to club med.
Problem.
How do I break the news to my parents?
I wish they could see things in my perspective.
All that aside,
I'll be leaving Subang in less than a month.
To be with Dean..:)

Dean told me a few shocking news that rocked my world.
Literally.
He's been promoted. Will be officially a GO on the 15th.
Congrats.
He'll be going away for training in Phuket for a week.
Should be leaving on the 21st until the 30th? I guess.
Good for him,really.
He worked hard.

I have to admit,its gonna be tough.
Him being a GO and me being erm a trainee..
But we'll work it out,somehow..

My finals starts tomorrow.
It'll end on Thursday.
And Im counting the days.

Tagged by Hilyah

Yourself: Twisted
Your Lover: Dean.:)
Your Hair: Red.
Your Mother: At home.
Your Father: Unpredictable.
Your Favorite Item: My books.
Your Dream Last Night: Snakes.
Your Favorite Drink: Ice water.
Your Dream Home: By the beach.
The Room You Are In: Full of PC's.
Your Pets: Dont have one.
What You Are Now: A very disappointed student.
Who You Want to be in Ten Years: A hot chef?
What You Want to be in Ten Years: A hot chef with loads of cash.
What You're Not: A hot chef with loads of money.
Your Best Friend: is around.
One of Your Wishlist Items: That corset in Topshot. I want!
Your Gender: Female.
The Last Thing You Did : Borrowed books for my sister.
What You Are Wearing: Black pants. Black one shoulder top. Black blazer.
Your Favorite Weather: Heavy rain with thunderstorms & lightning.
Your Favorite Book: Violin & Pandora's Box - Anne Rice.
The Last Thing You Ate: Lunch. Nasi.
Your Life: Complicated yet colorful.
Your Mood: Pissy.
Favorite article of clothing: None.
Favorite color: Black.
School: Getting boring.
Song: Lady - Modjo. Love song -311.
Tag: REUBEN!!

It is such a pain knowing that you still have assignments to do and your computer is being a jerk. I mean, pick a better time to get attacked by virus already. I admit, it is my fault for not updating my computer with the anti-virus. Oh well.. Thats why, right now, Im in college. Doing LAN assignment that is due next wednesday. Lucky me, this assignment is interesting. To me. So, Im all about doing it.

My days arent as interesting as it used to be. It wasnt that intereting then but it was better. I dont know whats going on. So many things in my head. I cant interprete it. I cant put it into words. I used to have so many things to say. I posted so many entries that are super long. Whats happening to me? Am I losing my writing touch? Writing is the only thing Im good at. At least better than most things that I enjoy doing other than sleep.

Term 4 is coming to an end very very soon. Im glad. Enough said.

Yoke wants me to attend college dinner in October. I dont see it happening considering I might go to CM for training. Speaking of CM, I still havent figured out the way to tell my parents if I am accepted. I'll cross the bridge when I get there la.

Ive got a huge arse zit on my left chin. It is so ugly. Urgh.

Bah.. Im out. toodles~

Hell no.

I was talking to my mom just now. We talked about my late grandmother. Made me realize how much I missed her. I feel so sinned for not remembering her. She left too early. She left us 12 years ago. When I was 8? Std 2. But everything about her are still crystal clear in my mind. How she talked. How she smelt. What she liked. Her smile. She was everything. We were tight. I loved her so much. Still do. What she said before she left us all, made me sad. How I wish I had spent more time with her in T'ganu rather than being busy in Subang. I miss her. Really-really do...

I watched Criminal Minds last monday. Boy, it sucked big time.. I mean c'mon. I watch CSI..And what they have in Criminal Minds are bullshit. Grr..Geram..I still have another disc to go..Greg is so hot, Im soo melting.. Muahhaha...

I was pissed earlier today. My dad, he umm..misplaced my ID & drivers licence.. We went to the police station and he wanted me to tell them that I lost it when I didnt. He dont wanna pay I guess.. How irresponsible can he be? To make it worst, the policeman remembered me from the accident and he said, ' Nasib awak malang bulan ni kan?' I was like, 'WTF???' Of course I didnt say that aloud but hell.. Ive been thru worse but who are you to rub it into my face?? Grrr.. Gerammmmmm..

Tomorrow, 2 presentations and a test..Excited? Hell no! I just wanna get things over with I guess. Term 4's coming to an end. Thank God. It has been the worst term ever. Seriously. I always looked forward to college. I even came early most of the days. Never skipped any classes. At least I try not to. But look at me now. I dont look forward to college. I dont wanna go to college. I came late most of the time. I skipped quite a few classes this term but lucky me I still manage to get good results.

Havent been eating well lately. I think its the cramps..It has been 5 days & its not normal for me to have cramps that long..

I wanna watch Heart..Cepatin cepatin keluarin dong. Gw mau tonton..mUahahhah..

Actually I just wrote something extremely long and when I posted it, it was just gone. It sux really. I had a bad bad week last week and now this blardy pc is screwing up my life unknowingly.

Summary of last week: Got pooped on. Accident. Sakit hati.

I dont know if its showing on my face or not but saya tgh sgt stress niee...Eeeee...french assignment due this weds. marketing presentation on thurs. english & LAN presentation on monday. God knows how many more assignments to pass up. Not forgetting the up coming exam which I havent studied. I dont know if I can cope up with all that.


Sometimes I miss the old times. The times when we'd always be together. Things changed. For the better I hope.


And tho sometimes my days arent flattering, at least I know I have Dean. And knowing that, my unflattering days will be pleasant. Very pleasant. Yes, he has that much effect on moi. Sayang awak..

I was browsing thru my old highschool literature book. There this one poem that caught me eyes. On perceptions on the end of life. It is called Song by Christina Rosetti.

SONG

When I am dead, my dearest,
Sing no sad songs for me,
Plant thou no roses at my head,
Nor shady cypress tree,
Be the green grass above me,
With showers and dewdrops wet,
And if thou wilt, remember,
And if thou wilt, forget.

I shall not see the shadows,
I shall not feel the pain,
I shall not hear the nightingale,
Sing on as if in pain,
And dreaming through the twillight,
That doth not rise nor set,
Haply I may remember,
Haply I may forget.

- CHRISTINA ROSETTI-

I cant act as if its not bothering when it really does. It really does. Im so hurt just thinking about what they did to me. 'How could they?' was what I asked myself when I found out. I couldnt believe it. Surreal. It took me days to accept the fact that 2 of my closest frens talk shit behind my back. Wanna know why it was hard for me to accept it? Coz they acted so nice and so sweet in front of me. They still are nice to me but I know better now. I have nothing against them. Really. I heart them to bits. Maybe now I have something against them. I realize that they only speak to me when they want something from me. Transportation.As if Im some driver. Eat shit. Really, eat shit. Things will not be the same. I told Yoke when I was in Club Med that things will not be the same. And I guess its not anymore.



I hope Ms Rajes aka HR Manager of Club Med approves me cepat2! Eeeee..Bosan la tunggu diterima masuk ni..Plus I miss the place and Dean and Mike and all la.


Rindu Dean lots. Really. 2 months without seeing him is hellish. Really.

Enjoy Incubus

Vitamin

I'm born
I'm alive
I breathe
In a moment or two I realize
That the sphere upon which I reside
Is asleep on its feet
Should I go back to sleep?
We orbit the sunI grow up My open eyes see
A zombified, somnambulist society
Leaving us as vitamins For the hibernating human animal
Do you see what I mean?

You stare at me like a vitamin
On the surface you hate
But you know you need me
I'll come dressed as any pill you deem fit
Whatever helps you swallow truth All the more easily

And I wonder, will you digest me?
Into the sleep machine I won't plug in
In fact I'd rather die before I will comply
To you, my friendI write the reason I still live
Cause in my mind it's set the vitamin is ripe to give
Coming closer to another 2000 years Y
ou and I will pry
The closed eye of the sleep machine

New Skin

At first I see an open woundInfected and disastrousIt breathes chaotic catastrophe It cries to be renewed (Please Renew Me!)Its tears are the color of angerThey dry to form a scab To the touch, its stiff and resilientUnderneath, the new skin breathes As outwardly cliche as it may seemYes, something under the surface saysC'est la vieIt is a circle, there is a plan Dead skin will atrophy itself to start again Look closely at the open wound See past what covers the surface Underneath chaotic catastropheCreation takes stageIts all been saved With exception for the right parts When will we be new skin? Its all been seen with exception for what could be When will we be new skin?Fallacious cognitions Spewed from televisions Do mold our decisionsSo stop and take a lookAnd you'll see what I see now

Idiot Box

You keep your riches and I'll sew my stitchesYou can't make me think like you, mundaneI've got a message for all those who think that They can etch his words inside my brain T.V. what do I need? Tell me who to believe! What's the use of autonomy When a button does it all? So listen up, Glisten up closely allWho've seen the fuckin eye ache tooIt's time to step away from cable train And when we finally see the subtle lightThis quirk in evolution will begin To let us live and recreate T.V. what do I need? Tell me who to believe! Whats the use of autonomy When a button does it all? T.V. what should I see? Tell me who should I be? Lets do our mom a favor and drop A new god off a wallLet me see past the fatuous knocksI've gotta rid myself of this idiot boxLet you see past the feathers and flocksAnd help me plant a bomb in this idiot boxFrom the depths of the sea To the tops of the trees To the seat of a lazy boyStaring at a silver screen!!

A Certain Shade of Green

A certain shade of greenTell me is that what you need? All signs around say move aheadCould someone please explain to me your Ever present lack of speed? Are your muscles bound by ropes? Or do crutches cloud your day? My sources say the road is clearAnd street signs guide the wayAre you gonna stand around till 2012 A.D.? What are you waiting forA certain shade of green? I think I grew a gray watching you procrastinateWhat are you waiting forA certain shade of green? Would a written invitation Signed, "Choose now or lose it all" Sedate your hesitation? Or inflame and make you stall? You've been raised in limitationbut that glove never fit quite rightThe time has come for hand-me-downsChoose a new, please evolveTake flight What are you waiting for? A written invitation? A public declaration? A private consolation?

Favorite Things

I'm thinking of my soul's sovereigntyAnd I know everything you hate in meFill me up with over-pious badgeringsTo throw them up, oh, one of my favorite thingsRemember all the lessons fed to me? Me the young sponge, so ready to agreeYears have gone, I recognize the walking deadNow aware that I'm alive and way aheadToo bad the things that make you mad Are my favorite thingsAnd I'm so happyI see you looking, I know that you're thinking That I'll never go anywhereThe things that I've done and the things That I've seen, I don't really expect you to care

Summer Romance (Anti-Gravity Love Song)

I'm home alone tonightFull moon illuminates my room, and sends my mind aflightI think I was dreaming up some thoughts that were seemingly possibleWith youSo I call you on the tin can phoneWe rendezvous at a quarter-two, and make sure we're aloneI may have found a way for you and I to finally fly freeWhen we get there, we're gonna go far awayMaking sure to laugh, while we experience anti-gravityFor years, I kept to myselfNow potentialities are bound, and sleeping under my shelfSimply choose your destination from the diamond canopyAnd we'll be thereSo I call you on the tin can phoneWe rendezvous at a quarter-two, and make sure we're aloneI may have found the way for you and I to finally be free

I just feel like posting something on Incubus. Since they're launching their latest album in november. LIGHT BERNADE.ahah..Doesnt sound like them but then again,thats what makes them INCUBUS yang hebat..muahahhaa..

These are some of my favourite Incubus songs from SCIENCE.

Yesterday's kitchen class didnt go that smooth for me. My mind was somewhere else. Or maybe I suck in cooking. I dont know la. It seems that I suck in everything I like. Dont tell thats not true coz I know its true! What is my purpose in life? Give me a clue coz I have no idea. Im suffocating.


I suck in writing..I mean writing properly.


I suck in cooking..At least I think I do.


Dont know what Im supposed to do in this lifetime. Or what Im supposed to be..
I like what Im doing but is there a future for me who happens to suck at it?


Honestly, tho people dont see it, Im so very stressed.
Very confused. Not depressed. Im happy that some things about me have changed.
I am not depressed most of the time. I dont cut myself anymore.


Ive got the every reason to be happy.




Today..Lets talk about today.. I had only french class. Then I was free the whole damn day. Outing with Ika to Sunway Pyramid where I bumped into Sharween. Havent seen him in the longest longest time. Trust me. He's still the same person. Didnt buy anything there.


After pyramid, I went to summit with Ika too. I bought myself CSI: Las Vegas season 5..woohoo!! Cant wait to watch it really. CSI is my ultimate favourite show. Haih.. Bile nak tgk ni?


OH OH! OMG! How can I forget! Incubus will be launching their latest album in November! About time! The album's called LIGHT RENADE or something like that. They say that their album will make them the band that they want to be. Sounds good to me. Cepat2 la launch! Dah tak sabar ni!


Went to MPH and chatted with Alice, Kak Ummu & Kak Yna. Kak Yna's sooo pregnant! OMG. I remembered when I was still working in MPH and obssessed with tarots, I read Kak Yna and it said that she'll have a new person in her life..And then she got pregnant! Am I good or what? ahahha. No la..
Alice is still the same old Alice except the Alice now has long hair. Kak Ummu? She's still her. Thats good. You know, knowing that the people that you havent seen in a long time are still the same. There's the sense of familliarity and that made me feel so comfortable.


Later on, went to Ika's place and chatted with MIKE yang dodol. Lucu la dia. Went back college for dinner with Prince & Andrea. Andrea lucu banget! Masih kanak2 sih dia itu. And then after dinner? Here I am.. Chatting with mike. Mike lagi. Asyik2 mike..ahahha. Kangen deh..

Did I ever mention that I hate weekends? Coz if I didnt, I HATE WEEKENDS!
I went out with my sister yesterday. She wanted to get a new phone for her phone was.. Umm..broken?
She got herself motorala slvr7 something I think. It was neat and cheap and pretty. Good for her I guess.

I had a pretty hectic week last week. With 3 assesments and 2 kitchen classes. I didnt think I did that well for marketing and economics. What the fuck? I did badly for my economics actually! I forgot all about my calculator. BAH! im scared. What if I dont get the perfect marks? I know I wont get the perfect marks. I know what I did. And I did bad.

Kitchen class on thurs was better than I expected it to be. Really. We had to cook for orientation night. 500 pax. I think it was less. Maybe around 250-300? I donno. I was in the kitchen most of the time re-filling the food. I'd rather stay in the kicthen rather than being with the mass of morons outside.. Hahha..*ouch* who cares. Back about thurs. Ah Liau( is that how we spell his name?) was the chef. He divided the tasks. I had to work with Perverted Reuben & Chih Sum. We were in charge of the starter. Some may think it was an easy job, but it was not! Trust me, peeling & julienne-ing carrots,mangos & cucumbers aint fun ok? Muscles involved ok. Sakit. Basically, we had to do all the mise-un-place for the cooking on friday. It was tiring coz we had classes from 9-6. And from 6-10, we were in the kitchen preparing for friday. Came back home around 1030 and hit the shower straight for I know I smelt bad. Studied till god-knows-what-time. Overslept. Missed english class. Did bad for economics. Haih..C'est la vie.

Went back into the kitchen arnd 2 pm on friday. Chef Norizan briefed us on what exactly we needed to do. Everything went on smoothly. I was amazed. The terayaki chicken that Andrew & Renna made was good. GOOD. Yummiliciously goooooooooddddd.

Honestly, saya dah malas nak blog. Im gonna hit the sack. Nitey.

Ive been sick for almost a week now. Doing much much better. I blame the weather. Damn you weather! Je deteste!

I dont know what's gotten into me now. Im not being myself. I looked forward to college then but now, I dont know. Just dont feel like going anymore. The subjects are boring. Lecturers. Haih. Just sgt malas nak pergi.

Right now, Im keeping my fingers crossed for CM again. Reasons why I wanna go back to CM:
1. I have to be away. Really. Its really stressful at hime.
2. I know what happiness felt like when I was there. I was really really happy.
3. Dean. My sayang. Sayang awak!

I think my chances are good. Gessh.. I hope..

Me & Dean dah almost a month. Im really happy with him. But its sad, I am like a magnet to long distance relationship. Do you know how tough it really is? But its all good. I trust him. Ive got no reason not to trust him. He's been a doll to me. Sayang awak!

I should really start on my assignments. Most of it are group tasks so I better do well coz its not only my butt on the line. I better start studying too coz Ive 4 assessments next week. 2 kitchen classes. Im doomed. Really.

Happy 2 weeks to me and Dean. Muahhahaha.. Happy, I am.

I am again, shortlisted in Club Med. Im happy. Reasons being, I get to see Dean.. And to be away. Far far away from home and civilisation.

Call me whatever you want but Im still not over Club Med. Im so far from getting over Club Med. The people especially. Gue kangen banget sama teman2 Club Med gue. Kangen skali.

College has started last week. Now, Im a specialized cuisine student. Everything's ok. Nothing special. Boring subjects with boring lecturers. I got myself a boring chef too. From Chef Patrick yg hot lagi best to Chef Chong yg mcm sgt blur with no sense of humour. Bless me for the next year with him. I'd usually be all hyped up to go to kitchen class but this term, I dont know. Kinda lost all interest. Still interested but haih.. Malas.. I dont look forward to his class at all. I do look forward when the F&B students starts firing order tho. Coz when they do so, it simply means, Im going back soon. At least sooner than them. ahahah.

Nothing interesting so far. Just that Im so happy with Dean now. I thought mr right was just lost. Turned out that mr right was right in front of my very eyes. Just that he jual mahal..ahahha..No la..he was just shy. Couldnt have asked for a better guy. He's perfect. Saya sayang awak!

Went for my industrial training briefing yesterday. I have to make my selection by this monday. This monday! And I still cant log on into the stupid ITS webbie. Dang. Im hoping to go back to Club Med. Yes, to see Dean and also because I just have to get out of this house. My mom made me feel like this house is so much better off without having me around. I felt like a burden to her. I dont know how I am a burden to her. I dont want to be one but I guess I am one. She cant seem to accept me the way I really am. And that hurts. I am not my sisters. Will never be like them. Dont wanna be them. Why is it so hard to accept the fact that I might be a little different from them? Why is it so hard to swallow that I might like my hair to be half red instead of full black? Why is so hard to face the fact that I might be a little bit daring than my sisters? Why cant she stop making me feel like a burden? Cuts me deep. Really. I really wanna go back to Club Med and I dont want to come back. If only.. I will go back whether she likes it or not. Im almost 20 now and I think I have a say in this. Its my life and I should have a say just as much as her. I just wanna get away really from all this.

Im just thankful I have Dean. He thought me how to feel and appreciate a person again. Its nice having a guy who can accept you the way you really are. If you havent found him, trust me, he's out there. Somewhere! He'll show up when you least expected it. Trust me on this! Coz Ive found mine when I wasnt looking.

My Poems..

YOU ARE

I used to think that love
Was only for pretty girls
And that there was no room
For uglies, like me, in this world.
How it hurts to see all my friends
A guy or, girl with each one;
As if dating was the only way
A person could have any fun.
I prayed that God would send me
A wonderful, sweet and kind guy.
But, would God ever answer my prayer?
Can you tell me a good reason why?
My faith was down to the last
When I first met you.
You are the answer to my prayers,
You are a dream come true.
How I Thank the heaven
That you came along;
It's wonderful to know you love me,
Together we do belong!

A NEW LOVE


You're six years older than me,
And who'd have ever thought,
That our lives would come together.
You're in my every thought.
I love you and you love me-
It's something we both know.
This is all so new to me.
I want my love to show.
I'm so glad I've found a love,
That cares the way you do.
How do I show how much I care?
I'm so scared I'll lose you.
You're so sweet and kind.
So loving and so true.
I swear your heart is made of gold.
I'm so glad that I'm with you.
I hope we're together for a long time.
I just hope you feel the same.
I hope I can trust you in everything,
For my love is not some game.
I'm sorry if that seems harsh.
I have to learn to trust again.
I hope you'll be patient with me.
Because a new love now begins.

I am happy for the past few days. Very happy. Content. Thank you Dean. You were one hell of a good actor when I was in Club Med. Who would have thought mamat jual mahal ni actually likes me. Feh, awak dodol la,Dean. Ahah. I heart you.


TOODLES!

Ive been home for almost 5 days now. I couldve updated my blog earlier but I couldnt find the perfect words to describe the feeling Im feeling right now. Not that Ive found the perfect words but I better jot it down before I forget.

Im still in denial. I cant believe Im back in Subang. Subang just dont feel like home anymore to me. I feel as if I left home and now Im in a foreign place. Subang is like a foreign place to me. I dont belong here. When I was in Club Med, I believed I was alot of things. In Subang, I believe I am nothing. I feel nothing. I feel depressed here. Home. Family condition. I cant take it.

I can be myself in CM and no one would question me. I can be myself at home too but everyone wants to change me. Wants me to be someone that Im not. Wants me to be someone they want me to be. And I have no choice but to let them change me. Coz if I were the real me, they would never accept me.

In CM, I have a family. They're all my family. Abg Najeb, Dmo, M.I.K.E, Azza, K.Ogy etc etc. Please know that I heart you all to BITS!

I miss everything there is to miss about CM. The gorgeous beach, the goodlooking & frenly GOs, the ever so nice GEs, the monkeys tho they pooped on all my towels, the small room, the atmosphere, the canteen and the sucky food which we all had to eat due to starvation, watching my abang's main bola in the evenings.

I started my training with restaurant. The restaurant's called The Mutiara. Buffet. So my work was real easy but it was really tiring. I mean really. All we had to do was clear plates, serve wine and mise en place. We had to wear the most ridiculous uninform. I'd post the picture but it'll take a long time and I dont have that much patience. We had to stand in a line and greet guests everytime the buffet started which I think is kinda cute and different. The restaurant manager, Yuli who's from Indonesia and a graduate from Taylors. She's a doll. Really. There's nothing wrong with her. I respect her. She's very caring. Like a sister. Training in F&B felt like forever but it was worth it. Coz come to think of it, I enjoyed it.

After F&B, it was Reception. I thought I'd be wearing something nice for a change. A kebaya. It was nice but they had no small size so I had to settle for M which was huge. The kain was so uncomfortable. You just had to lift your kain up in order to walk properly. Didnt learn that much coz I didnt get to do the check ins & check outs. You know. I was just the trainee. And I had to do silly stuff like serve tea and water to arrivals. Reception was relaxing but tiring all at the same time.

I had the most fun in Kitchen. Surrounded by fun and happy people. It was almost impossible not to be happy. I was placed in the Hot Buffet section. I worked under Abang Aziz. He's the MAN! He cooked like 6 dishes all in a go. He made it look like it was effortless. He was that good. I actually believed Mr Daniel when he said all you'd be doing when you're in training is cut veges and all. I did cut veges but I was given the chance to cook as well. Abang Aziz trusted me. I hope I didnt ruin his trust. Like I said, it was buffet. So I had to cook in front of the guests. It was all good. There was this one time I wanted to impress Magnum (GO). He's got the nicest pair of eyes. And he's so frenly. *cair*
I was making seafood stew. He stood before me, waiting for me to cook. I wanted to impress him by showing off my skills. All of a sudden, Magnum said, " Sayang, your hand is on fire." It was on fire. I was so malu coz it was so tak ayu. Chris & Rick, both hotties from Australia was there. Both saw everything. Boy was I embarrassed. It was all good.

Miss those time where I'd argue with Moka the asst executive chef. He's from mauritius. Sumbat la that mamat. He kept saying shit like , "nobody likes me coz Im hitam." I was like, "No, nobody likes you coz you're sumbat and menggelabah." Then he'd curse me in his language. Like I care.
He knew I was going into Housekeeping after kitchen and he'd say annoying shits like,"when you go hsekeeping, come and clean my room,no."
I was like, HELL NO! I'd mess it up.

And to my luck, on my first day of hsekeeping, my first room, of all the rooms in club med, I had to clean his first. Daulat la kot.
Housekeeping was alrite. Not as bad as I thought it'd be. I was unlucky coz I had to do it alone. First 3 days with the kakaks. Then I was doing it alone. Sometimes Mike the asst hsekeeper would help. He was crazy coz he gave me 10 DEPARTURES! Alone. Lucky he had this thing called SYMPATHY, he came and helped me.
Alot of funny moments in hsekeeping. One time I forgot to put towels in all the rooms ive cleaned. Mike & I had to run all the way back to N bloc from J bloc. Crazy..Sorry Mike..Lupe la dodol..

Every night I'd go out to the mamak in front of the guard hse to lepak. Sometimes with mike and the girls from taylors. Sometimes just with the girls from taylors. Sometimes with Dmo & Abg Najeb. Sometimes with Azza.
It was all good. Cant believe 3 months is over.
Im so sad knowing that I may not have the chance to see all of them again. And hang with them anymore. That was like a routine that I was so used to doing and now Im having a hard time convincing myself that its all over.

Last tuesday, we had our dinner at the restaurant. More like farewell dinner. It was good. Took pics with Simon Solinas ( F&B Manager), Chef Don (Exe. Chef), Chef Ketut ( Pastry Chef) etc. Lepaked at the bar after. Indra bought me a drink. Chef Don did also. Jamey and Mike also. Wuahahha. I had a blaast with Zara, Wee Wee, Venny & Ika.
The next day, the girls, Mike and me went to kemaman for breakfast. More like late breakfast early lunch at Hai Peng. The place was like Uncle Lim's with the same kind of food except they dont sell nasi dagang, nasi lemak ikan tongkol and tapai in Uncle Lim's. Later after brunch, we went back and change and headed to the other side of the beach where Rembulan, the Specialty Restaurant and Lautan, the Fine Dining restaurant was. Raj, Rembulan's manager invited us for lunch. Met him, abg ady (fine dining chef) and abg akasha (specialty chef) there. Chatted and snapped pics. Raafi was there too. Raafi.. Funny funny dude.. I will always remember you. Always. Nutella? Lol.
After lunch, we went to the beautiful beach. I didnt wanna mandi coz i dont know. i just dont mandi laut. but i was dragged by Tavin. Oh how I hated him then. Bleargh.. So yeah, I was soaked.
Oh I forgot that we went to the yacht! It was awesome. People paid big bucks to get into the yacht and we went there for free. We were the luckiest trainess. Honest.
Our last night in CM, we went to the mamak. Wee wee and I planned to get back at Dmo coz he bullied us like ever so often. Revenge time. Closure. We so got our closure coz zara was there. She bit him till he had bruises everywhere.
MC the next day too..lol.
Friday aka last day came. It was so hard to say goodbye. Mike was with me when I was waiting for my parents. That was nice of you M.I.K.E.
Thanks. I'll never forget the past 3 months that Ive spent in CM. It was PRICELESS.

I am somewhat pissed off at some certain people who just dont seem to know to pick up the friggin phone!
I mean, pick up already.
Im leaving early tmrw and Ive got no keys to my room?
I need those friggin keys.
Fcuk.

Ive got alot of things to say but when Im typing it seems my mind just went blank.
Dont know where to start.
I havent packed my bag.
Im just plain worried.

How do I summarize the past 4 weeks? Very hard to do so.
The past 4 weeks was surreal. Right now Im in Subang and I dont wanna go back to Cherating.
Maybe I dont. Maybe just maybe I do. I dont know.
Club Med was not what I expected it to be. Really.

I am leaving in less that 12 hours.
Its ironic because I wanted to leave subang and now that Im leaving tmrw, I dont wanna leave.
There's so many things to miss.
Family for starters.
Friends secondly.
Home thirdly.
Bed, specifically.
I just realized how attached I am to my family.
We're really that close.
Im gonna miss fighting with Lina, tickling Qarl, bugging Shiver, hugging Tzewa, chasing Aireel & singing to Liyana.
Im gonna miss fighting with my mom.
Bitching about my sisters!
Hey, its stuff like that brings us together! Hah!
Seriously, Im not excited in leaving behind civilasation and live in the woods.
Literally.
But, its Club Med and there's a beach.
I'd pick Subang still.
Im so staying in subang for the next training.
I swear!

I guess this will be my last entry for 3 months.
If there's internet connection there in Club Med, will update with pictures.
Wish me luck.

Toodles~

I hate first day of period. I really do.
Cramps the whole day isnt flattering.
I dont have the energy to buy ponstant( is that how we spell it?)
Fuck it.

Did I tell you Arsenal WON over Juventes 2 nights ago?
I didnt?
Arsenal won over Juventes 2 nights ago!
Wheeeeeeeeeee!
I didnt watch it tho.
But they won.
Dee likey.

I hate period cramps!
Enough said!.

Kids,kids.. Go away.

I hate Joe Chambers! I hate him!
Who's Joe Chambers? You ought to read Spellbound byJane Green.
He's such an arse. Alice deserves better and Im glad she left him.
Sorry. The book got to me.
I simply hate people like Joe Chambers.
Married to a wonderful girl,wealthy, successful, flitatious.
Just because he's gorgeous, he thinks he can just sleep with anyone.
Bah!

Anyways,
Im leaving in 2 days.
Not exactly excited as I thought I'd be.
Oh well,
its something that I have to do.

There's nothing much to say really.
Life's pretty much the same.
I do the same thing everyday for the whole week.
The bright side : I spent the whole week with my lovely annoying amusing nieces & nephews.
They're just wonderful tho I spank Lina & Qarl practically everyday.
Lina made me watch Fairytopia: Mermaidia today.
We watched together at first but then she left.
I watched alone and when my sister wanted the room so that Tzewa can sleep,
I actually made her wait till Im done with the movie.
Lol.
The movie was so pretty with pink & purple all over.
I watched Goofy the Movie after.
Thinking in watching Madagascar later.
You see why I dont want to be at home?!!
When Im with kids, Im one of the kids!

A new beginning?

Some parts of me are happy to leave Subang.
Some parts are sad.
I guess Im happy coz Ive never been away from home and this is my chance.
Im sad for the very same reason too.

I will truly miss my nieces & nephews.
Can you imagine, my Liyana who's 4 months old will be 7 months when I get back!
I dont think she'd remember me.
Im gonna miss singing hey diddle diddle to her.
God, Im missing her already.

Saw Yoke, Clay & Clay's fren this eve.
Yoke said something that made me realize something.
Im not depressed anymore.
Im not heart-broken anymore too.
Im not unhappy too.
Im content with my life now.
Its true, time heals all wounds.

I used to wonder as to why Im single and why nobody wants me.
Im still wondering.
But the difference is that right now, I dont care that Im single.
I think Im better off this way.
I am obviously happy being like this.
I so do not need a guy to make me happy.
Good music, book & company is more than enough.

I have one more thing troubling me tho.
My weight.
People say Im slim but I feel fat.
I dont eat all that much but I feel fat.
And when I do feel fat, I'd take those sinful pills.
The next day, somewhat diarrea (is that how we spell that?)
It seems bliss to me.
I am actually happy having diarrea.
I am sick I guess.
Ive never told people this.
Dont know why Im writing this now,right here.
Time to let go I guess.

HAH.

Finally a full stop for term 3. Today was the last day of exam. The last, the toughest, I think.
I think I pretty much screwed up my oenology paper. I just cant remember the French names.
There's nothing left to sy about the papers except that it is over and done with. And I dont want to think about the results until Ive reached Club Med.

After the exam, the bunch of us went to OU. Had lunch at Chilli's. I had lamb, Akila had the buffolo chicken wings and Zara & Ice had the oldtimer which was fingerlicking good. Literally.
And while eating, we had a whole lot of laughs. We laughed till my stomach ached. My eyes produced tears.
And Akila laughed really loud. It was contagious.
We were talking what the 'what if's'.
What if we really did left Zara?
What if Zara fell into the drain?
It'd be hilarious to you too if you know Zara.
In short, I havent had that much fun in months.
I love my babes.

I bought new oracle cards. Im loving it. And it tells truth.

Note, I'll never let Akila sit on the front sit when Im driving. Seriously.
Im a good driver. Thats a fact. She acted as if I was about to bang some car.
And when I got too close to a car, she'd act as if she had a break at her feet acting as if she's stepping on it.
I had tears when I saw that.

Dee gedik, Akila menggelabah.

All in all, Im glad that the exams are over.
Im glad we had a chat with Chef Patrick.
Im glad he's being supportive when he found out that I'll be specializing in Culinary when I get back.
Im glad that he's hot.
HAH!

He hot. Dee likey.

JD Fortune of INXS
He HOT. exclude the wrinkles of course.

Bumped into Mr Daniel in the elevator when I was on my way up to the library. Chatted abit. He asked who else is going to Club Med for training. He didnt seem happy. I told him that I wont mention his name when I get there. I mean, I do have the hots for him but I wouldnt do that. Come on, I maybe leading a boring life, but life all the same. And I've got better things to do rather than ask people if they know my lecturer? Not likely to happen.

Spent the day in the college's library with Zara, Akila & Alvin. We studied. And was I tired.

I brought oracle cards with me to college. Played abit. Im not fortunate in the 'love' area, that I am aware. But I just realized that the 'love' cards doesnt fancy me either. It didnt seem to agree with me. It was always Study. I mean I got the drift, enough already. I know I should study more often but is it not enough that I spent most of my afternoons and evenings in the library for almost 2 weeks? Bah.

I have a theory as to why those 'love' cards doesnt fancy me. It is because I see no potential in love. I just dont. I dont believe it'll last. Ive never seen it. They say being in love is the best feeling in the world but bare in mind that being hurt because of love is the worse feeling. Love is like 2 extremes with no in betweens.

Take note, dont piss me off when Im already pissed. Im mean & ugly as it is. Even more meaner & uglier when Im pissed. Way more meaner & uglier when you pissed me off when Im already pissed.

I couldnt quite remember why I was pissed when I left college, but I was pissed. I get pissed & cool easily. That's besides the point.

The point is that, I was pissed when I left college and there was this world most dumbest motorcyclist. He just had to langgar my side mirror sampai senget. He didnt even say sorry. I know this is quite common but come on. I was pissed and there was approximately 50 other cars on the road and he just had to langgar mine. What a coincidence ey?

Since I was pissed, I yelled at him. Said the rudest words I could think of then. Whether he could hear it or not didnt matter to me. I just had to let it go. Like expected, all the drivers stared at me. Some may have cursed me. Being the ever so polite me, I just flashed the middle finger. And how they loved it. *evil laugh*

I disagree when people say, people who blogs has no life. I dont care what you think. But I just dont like that statement. If you're one of them, I pity you. You said that and now you're reading my blog? Thats just sad.

Closure.

Oh how I just love good music.
Incubus, Incubus, Incubus.
They're IT!

I got the closure that I wanted today.
I sent Joshua a msg a few days ago.
I told him what I wanted him to know.
Exactly what I thought and felt.
I didnt matter if I sounded rude or harsh.
I kept it bottled up inside for so long.
It was time to let go.
And I did let go.
And it felt good.
He got it today I guess.
He replied but I ignored his presense.
Im so proud of me.

Joshua is now my past that will be forgotten.

VENT

Wanna know what ticks me off?
People who look down on other people.
I dont. Why should you?
I dont smoke. I dont drink. I dont take drugs. I dont club. I dont sleep around.
By not doing all that does not make me lifeless.
That simply means Im leading a healthier life tho I dont take veges.
By not doing all that does not make me uncool.
Im cool ok? In my own weird amusing mean ways.
By not drinking does not mean I dont qualify as a Hospitality student.
What rights do you have to say that to me?
I am a better student than you.
I dont skip classes.
I know my priorities.
I did my farking assignments.
I sat for my assessments.
I got somewhat ok marks for my tests, so now tell me, what rights do you have to say that to my face?!
How dare you!
I respected you tho I dont quite agree with your lifestyle being the conservative me.
But I kept it to myself coz I didnt want to offend you and I believe you know what you are doing and I know what you're doing is for the best.
But did it ever occur to you that you offended me?
I guess not.
Selfish people dont care about other people.
You know what?
You can just drop DEAD.
Im thru caring.
Being nice arent cool at all.
Im gonna be mean right now.

I went to dinner with Denise last night.
Senior's final serving.
I did Denise a favor by being her fren's guest.
Julian(whatever) was there.
They served real wine.
And since we were having fish, they served us white wine.
You know, red wine's for red meat and white wine's for white meat.
So after he poured wine, Julian asked me,
'How was the wine?'
I said, ' I dont drink.'
What he said pissed me off like nobody's business.
He said, ' Thats sad.'
What was that supposed to mean?
There's nothing wrong with not drinking.
There's nothing wrong with wanting to obey my religion's rules.
There's Nothing wrong of whatsoever.
How dare he!
Other muslims can drink or do whatever they want but bear in mind, there's a thing called consequences.
I mind my business and you I hope you'd do the same.
I know whats right and whats wrong.
Dont give pitiful statements.
Save it.

As you can see, Im pretty pissed.
Put aside that I am miserable, Im so horribly pisssed.

I told Reuben that I talked to Keith last night.
"He knows my name" was what I told Reuben.
He said, " Thats just sad."
I guess I sounded pretty lame to him.
I have to admit, that was pretty sad.
I mean, a hot guy knows my name is a big deal to me.
I mean BIG DEAL.
I bet there are people out there who are going out with hot guys and they just keep it low.
And look at what I did.
Told people that Keith knows my name.
I did sound sad.
Just look at Yoke,
she has Clay, he's pretty hot but she's not bragging.
But I guess thats the closest thing that I can get.
I dont get hot guys coming up to me since people say Im mean & intimidating.
I cant help. Really. I cant.
Thats just me.
I look like a snob.
I guess my point is little thing like Keith knows my name makes me happy and it was the highlight of the day.
Like I said little things makes me the happiest.
Checking hot guys makes me happy coz I know I dont have a tiny rat's chance.
But sometimes I cant help but realizing the fact that Im pretty lonely.
I mean Im almost 20 & Ive never been on a date.
Thats just the saddest thing.
I thought I was in love with a guy that Ive known for 4 years and I recently found out that I was in love with someone who does not exist. He's a fake a liar a cheater.
Feels like I wasted 4 years with him when I couldve done something better.
But Im over him.
Im not over the fact that Im dumb.
I knew I was dumb but it didnt occur to me that I was that dumb.
I shouldve listened to Hilly. God, I shouldve.
It wouldve saved a whole lot of tears and hurt.
But since Im a person that practises the phrase,
' Let bygones be bygones',
Im gonna let it go bit by bit.

Sungguh emo ini blog.
Tak kisah.

Did I tell you that Im obsess with herbs?
I am.
My mom thinks Im out of my system coz she cought me reading a book on herbs.
It is indeed odd coz I'd usually read horror stuff or literature shits.
I found out that herbs are fascinating.
I am mad about herbs so much that I actually have dreams about seeing big patches of them
and feeling the utmost pleasure at having them right there in my kitchen.
I am an odd girl, that I am aware.

I am most definately tired.
Lack of sleep.
I just wanna get the finals over with so that I can claim back my wonderful sleep.
I spent more than 5 hours in the library everyday.
I am not getting a decent sleep and rest.

Im leaving in 2 weeks. Im excited. Cant wait to leave home.

Btw, I have a crush on JD Fortune of INXS. Hotness. Cair.

spoil.rotten.

I get scolded ever so often just because I love spoiling my kids rotten.
I mean where's the harm in that?
The kids are the only ones that kept me going.
The only ones that is able to make me smile whenever Im down.
Those kids are my life.
Of course, they pisses me off everyday but hey, I heart them with all my heart.
Qarl even barfed on me once because I was giving him comfort after being scolded by my sister.
Its stuff like this that pisses me off but makes me laugh later on.

I'd die just to get someone who'd spoil me rotten.
If you found one, hold on to him/her.
It sux not having one.

My kids = my nieces & nephews.

I love vampires too.

final

There's nothing wrong about today. Really. Nothing.
Ok maybe just one.
I hate serving. Thats what I did today.
Serve people.
I so do not have a good PR.

Today was not as fun as last week, that I must admit.
Nothing beats cooking with frens.
Last week was the last time I get to cook with my groupmates,DH 22/Group 3.
Sad I am.

The next time I'll be cooking, it'll be with a whole new bunch of people.
That is after specializing in culinary.

Today and yesterday seems so final.
Everything's coming to an end.
No more kitchen classes with chef patrick.
Maybe I wont be seeing him after specializing coz it seems that he's leaving soon.
No more classes with Mr. Suhaimi coz there's no way in hell Im gonna specialize in F&B.
No more classes with Mr Daniel. Ever. That got to me the most. Its pretty obvious that I have the hots for him. lol.
Chef Patrick too.
Who in their right mind wouldnt?

je pars.

Finally,
Im going to Club Med for my industrial training.
Its like a dream come true,really.

Je suis heureux. Pourquoi ils ne sont pas heureux pour moi?
I mean really. I am the only person in this house who's basically happy for me.
The rest? Not so happy I guess.

BAH..Im leaving soon.

Bye-bye Subang Jaya.

A little something from a great mind.

Where did you go?

Where did you go?

Was it something I said?

If love is the crime they say it is,

I might as well be dead.

I can't help the way I am,

my emotions run too deep,

You left without explaining why,

No more dreaming when I sleep.

There must be something wrong with me,

all friends take that that road,

I thought you were different,

you helped me carry my heavy load.

But it's weight brought you down,

like a bad drama role,

just a glimpse inside of me,

the anguish in my soul.

Where did you go?

Needed you to stay,

If only to play.

Now I sit alone in silence,

Afraid to say,Anything to anyone,...

Destined to be the lonely one.

It's something that's hard to bear,

turn around and no one is ever there.

You know I feel the words I write,

Alone with no friend in sight.

Only words on a page,

Like an old sage,

Sitting on my mountain top,

waiting for the next to try.

Hoping someone shows up before I die.

Never there

I don't know why I have a phone,

Nobody calls,

I'm all alone.

I sit on web to maybe chat.

Alone for weeks so that is that.

It's hard to do it all yourself,

When everyone has you up on shelf,

To only use when they need you,

and so you know what you must do,

to end the pain of lonliness,

and never have the chance to kiss,

cause all your friends are foggy mist,

with breeze blowing away.

The friends you tried to make today.

They used you till you had no more,

then left you outside at the door,

So soon someday you're giving up,

with no one there to fill your cup.

No reason to give, no reason to live,

no one to love,

hope it's different up above.

If just one person had taken time,

to call a friend, and ease my mind.

I wouldn't need to write these rhymes.

Of loneliness and despair,

Of having friends who're never there.

Really upset

Feeling upset is not a great feeling...

When you make me upset it makes me want to hit something,

but I stop and say "What the hell am I thinking" so I sit and wait...

Till this feeling goes away, but I keep waiting and waiting
and it seems like it's going to stay.
You made me feel this way,

you got me upset,

don't think for one minute that this is something I'll forget

it was your loss you f*cked up, s

o this is what you get!

I hope you hate this 'cause this is one thing I won't regret!
I hope you feel my pain,

I hope you feel my anger'cause to me...

From this point on, we will always be a stranger!

Its up to you

Life isn't a fairy tale,

A life isn't a game.

Not every star has a shine,

And not every death has a blame.
People have feelings,

And people can get hurt.

People can be lazy,

Or people can actually work.

It'a all up to you,It's your life.

Whether you change your ways,

Or you do what you do.

You can't take back,

What you did in the past,

So you have to go on with the future,

And make your life last.

So live the life the way you please,

And you do what you want to do.

Just remember what happens in the end,

Isn't because of them,

It's because of you.

Une confession.

Words cant even describe what Im feeling right now.
Mixed feelings of everything.
Am I happy? Or am I sad?
I dont know really.
I really dont.

What do I want?
I dont know.

Some people say that Im a feminist.
I dont disagree nor agree.
Just neutral I guess.
My mom thinks Im aneroxic mentally.
Its true.
I am.
I cant eat.
If I do, I'd take those stupid pills.
The pills are my life.
Im addicted to it.
It has been a year.

I spent almost RM 300 for books.
Professional Cooking and Jamie's Kitchen!
RM 259 & RM 71.
Jamie Oliver est mon idole !

Je me sens comme pleurer demain pour aucune bonne raison.
(I feel like mourning tomorrow for no good reason.)
I should.
BAH!.

Premier essai.

Last thursday was a nightmare.
Everything about last thursday was so wrong.
Natural Disaster which has cost us our roof.
My little niece who's 4 months old went for an operation which didnt go well.
My sister who was so stressed about her baby ran into an accident because she fell asleep in the car while driving.
My dad's friend passed away on that very same day.
So yeah, last Thursday was definately bad luck.
I think the Higher Power above is telling us something.
Im aware of that.

The aftermath of Thursday.
Fixed our roof and now it is as good as new. Wait, it is new.
My niece, she's getting better and she's smiling!
My sister is alot better and happier because her baby's smilling.
My dad's friend has been burried safely.
Al- Fatihah.

You know what we should do?
A kenduri doa selamat.
I think its appropriate.
I should tell mom.

Today was not exciting.
Happy coz I got to visit Liyana.
God, I missed her.
Missed her laugher.
Missed her talking.
Everything.
And now after the operation,
she's still smiling.
But not as often as before.
She's talking.
But not as daring as before.
Its as if she's not herself.
And it hurts to see her suffering like that.
If I could trade places with her, I would.
Its amazing how much love you have for someone who's just 4 months old.
Then again, she's amazing.

Sometime today, I felt irritated and annoyed.
I feel used.
Like I only matter to people when they need me to do something for them.
I know stuff like this are only normal, but I dont like it.

Term 3 is coming to an end really soon.
How time flies when you're having fun.
It doesnt help knowing that you dont know where you're going for industrial training.
Im just shortlisted. I can be rejected. Thats my chances. 50-50.

Seul Im encore. Je veux que quelqu'un s'inquiète de moi et de I, pour lui. Si seul Im juste. Personne ne m'ont jamais indiqué qu'elles m'ont aimé. Ceci m'indique qu'il y a quelque chose mal avec moi.Je ne sais pas s'il y a une chose telle que l'amour. Ive non jamais vu lui. J'ai pensé que j'étais dans l'amour. Mais il a menti à moi. J'étais dans l'amour avec quelqu'un qui pas existe.Mal du distillateur Im. Je l'aime toujours tho. Tho ce qu'il dit à moi maintenant sont toujours des mensonges, Im mal de distillateur.

Ah, quoi que. Je n'ai pas besoin d'amour. Je pas un homme. Je ne veux pas être un homme slave. Im ma propre personne.

Yes, thats french. Je peux parler peu de french.If son mal, me pardonne.

I speak little french. Very little.

stupid

Im trying my best to please people.
Trying my best to make people happy.
And I guess its making me happy too.

These past few days has been ok.
OK because I didnt talk to Josh.
I know it is not wise to talk to him but I have to talk to him.
Im so used to him. Talking to him.
4 year's a long time.
Yes,of course Im hurt that he lied to me and cheated on me when all the while I was loyal to him.
What the hell? Im hurt big time!
Ive got all the reason in the world to be hurt.
He lied to me. He still is.
I really dont know why Im still putting up with his lies.
God.This makes me stupid.

Urgh

Mr Suhaimi said that its easy to get into Club Med.
I hope he's telling truth.

Truth is,
Im still shocked.
Possibly hurt.

I feel fat.
Urgh.

I really dont know why it affected me that much,really.
I should be happy.
He's going to a daddy. Then why do I have these feelings?
ARGH. I hate having this feelings.
I think I still love him...

A very very frustrated woman.

I am officially a very very frustrated woman.

Things kept happening. I cant keep up.

Its frustrating. Just when I thought its gonna work.

But instead, it went down the smelly drain.

I hate it.

I want simple things yet it is still beyond my grasp.

I got back my Purchasing & Cost Control paper.

Expected. I blew it.

I studied so blardy hard and blew it.

This is just so typical Delaila who tend to screw everything up in the last minute.

If I gotten the first question right, I couldve gotten better.

But no, I just had to screw it up.

So here I am, a very very frustrated student.

I saw Jamie's Kitchen just now and I realize that kitchen is my calling.

I want to be a chef. It'll be tough but I'll work it out.

Im gonna have to be more patient but I'll work on that area.

I want to be a chef and make people happy when they eat the food I cooked.

That would be the best feeling in the whole wide world.

To get people coming back to you because you cook serious shit good food.

Argh.Seems out of the world.

But I'll make sure of it.

But at the rate Im going, it seems almost impossible.

So that makes me, a very very frustrated almost soon-to-be-chef.