whats enough?

Being a girl with no life, I decided to read thru everything Ive written in this blog of mine. It took me quite awhile to finish it.
After Ive finished reading all of it, I realize that I went thru a few phases of life. And I didnt even noticed it. How bizarre. Really.
I started this blog when I was working & was still with Joshua.
And now, Im in college & currently single.
And there were so many in betweens.
I wrote about how much I wanted to study and how people annoyed me by asking when I'd be starting my college.
Im in college now.
I wrote about how much I loved Joshua & such.
And the most recent news on Joshua, he's a fake, a fraud, a liar & a cheater.
I wrote about how much I hated my family.
I still hate my family. Sometimes.
What hasnt changed is the fact that Im still lonely.
There's nothing I can do in that area.

I had my lunch in Summit today. K.Eleen decided to treat me & my sister steamboat at Johnny's.
It was good. I didnt eat that much tho. Dont I always?
Went into MPH and had a chat with Alice.
She said she's gonna resign soon. I feel her pain & pressure.
I was there once. I was in that position of deadly stress.
But its slightly different in her case tho.
All that I experienced times 2 with what she's going thru now.
She is the retail executive. And she has ALOT more things to do & think.
Therefore, I highly understand her position.

I just realize that I havent bought a book in the longest time.
I just finished 2 books yesterday.
Think Im getting that latest book by Cecilia Ahern soon.

As for some weird reason, Im not doing my assignment.
An assignment that is due this thursday and I havent even started.

Ive let my insecurities took over me.
And I havent been ok during that period of time.
I am somewhat better now.
Ive said some silly silly things during that period of time.
Wanted to do something idiotic without reason.
Wanted to mourn over nothing.
Idiotic indeed.

Sometimes I amaze myself.
Sometimes I laugh at myself.
Sometimes I hate myself for letting things happen to me.
Sometimes I just dont know what to do.
With all the idiotic things that has happened, I still smile & laugh.
And again, I amaze myself.

At this very moment, I dont know what I want.
I know who I want to be & I'll be that person all in good time.
I just dont know what I want. Or who for that matter.
Dont know if its worth craving for someone coz I know if I dont get hurt, my self-esteem will be on the floor.
Im not like Ice or Denise.
I cant flirt.
I cant start a conversation.
And I most definately cant get guys to like me.
And I dont get guys that I like to like me.
I do try & it seems that its just not enough.
What's enough?