Doing good deeds will lead to self satisfaction. But taking advantage of it will eventually lead to irritation and annoyance.
Thats the best way to describe my feelings.
People usually take me for granted. Fine. I accept that. Just dont take advantage. I'd get irritated.
I dont mind buying stuff for people. I dont mind giving lifts.
But it came to a point where I feel thats all Im worth.
People just need me when they need lifts or when they need something and want me to buy it.
Like my mom, she can just boss me around. She didnt care if I was tired or shit. The first thing that came to her mind when she saw me would be,
' Dee tolong mama beli beras. Eh, susu dah habis. Belila 2 3 tin. Pergi kedai uncle cina tuh.'
For the past month, Ive been my sister's driver. Like just now, she found out that she had to go back to Puncak Perdana coz her class starts tomorrow and she kept saying that she doenst have her stationary stuff. Without asking me, mom said,
' Ala, Dee kan ade. Suruh la Dee bwk baby pergi beli. Nanti susah plak. '
She didnt even care that I couldnt sleep last night and when I was about to sleep,my sister knocked on my door and asked me to take my shower coz she wanted me to drive her to puncak early in the morning.
I dont mind, I really dont. But pls ask. Im no Robot. I get tired too.
Due to my tiredness, I almost hit a lorry at the highway. We're ok but I dont like driving now. But I dont have much of a choice now do I? Im a driver.
I may sound exaggerating.I dont care what you think. Im hurt with the way people treating me.

Put all that away,
Im glad Im in Taylor's College and not UITM. Thats so not my place. I wouldnt fit in.

FALLING APART.

I've given away my heart,
So it could be torn into pieces.
He left me with the feelings of betrayal and being forgotten.
I'm so in love, yet so alone, with two years thrown away.
Feeling his absense hurts the most.
My constant urge to call is almost taking over, while on the other side, my cycle of feelings starts with rage.
Slowly going into sadness, rage again, desperation, devastation, and finally denial.
Every morning I open my eyes to emptiness.
Seeing a long black hallway with nothing in between.
This so-called love has taken over my life leaving me distracted.
Days pass by and now my emotions are going crazy.
Leaving me no choice but to vomit.
To empty my pesimistic thoughts.
To stop thinking my life is over.
To stop my tears everynight from falling.
To stop feeling like my heart has shattered into fifty pieces.
The hardest part of moving on is the jealousy on top of all my misery.
But soon enough I'll go to bed realizing I survived this struggle.
I need to escape my depression to continue breathing.
And regain my strength to love again.

THE TRUE REASON

He said he wouldn't leave me
he promised to be by my side
he said I'd be his forever
he promised we'd never divide

he was my soul, my life
he meant everything to me
he was my one and only
until he had to leave

they said that it was suicide
they said his life was rough
then I fell down to my knees
and I never got back up

I sat there crying for hours
my knees pulled to my chest
and right then at that moment
my life turned into a mess

everything i had
was right before my eyes
it left in such a hurry
I couldn't say goodbye


I thought about his words
the last he spoke to me
I didn't understand
he said he wouldn't leave

I blamed it on mysel
f it was my fault he was gone
then I told myself
there's no way I could go on

they said that it was suicide
they said that I gave up
but no one knew the true reason
the true reason was love

+ DeLaiLa +

Ive been writing & it feels really good to let go.
I'll write more.
Toodles.

I dont know what has gotten into me lately. I havent been myself and I dont know why. Little things piss me off and I'd be so cranky that I'd irritate both my mom and me. I feel helpless nowadays. I can feel the hatred that I have for my mom & dad inside of me. Its not much. But its there. And I always want to blame them for all the things that has happened. It shouldnt have happened. But it did. And I blame them. The feeling Im feeling now, all their doing. The way I am now, all because of them. And I dont know if thats a job well done. I am not weird. Just disturbed I guess. This is one of the reason I hate holidays. It makes my mind wander and I hate it. I hate being at home. I hate being apart of this family, sometimes. They're all I have, I know. But they make it almost impossible to survive. All that Ive said so far, it isnt nice. But thats exactly how I feel. Being the screwed-up basketcase me huh?

I feel like I dont matter. Just like how I dont matter to Josh. My parent dont care about me being in college. They've never asked me how my day was. They just dont care. Wanna know who they care? Everyone else but me. Especially my sister. Because she got into UITM. She's my parent's pride and joy. And she got everything. I know I know. Little things makes me sad. But hey, little things makes me happy too! The love that I have for my mother changed the day she said ' I regret putting you into college'. I dont know what I did wrong to deserve such harsh words. I didnt cry. My heart was. I was hurt. I still am.

Really, I dont know what has gotten into me. I am not myself. I cant do things that I love anymore. I cant even write nowadays and thats just sad. Writing used to make me feel better. Like a burden has been lifted off my shoulders. And now, I cant write a single line. And I dont know why.

Put all that aside, I still miss Josh. I know I said that Im over him and shit but I have to face the fact that Im not. Not sure if I will. Not sure if I want to. Its hard to get over a person when you've shared so much with him. When you opened your heart for him. Its not easy. I have to admit that there isnt a day where I didnt think about him. I'd wonder if he still remembers me and my existance on planet earth. Wonder if he's doing ok and that his health is not being a bitch to him. Think of what he's doing at the exact time I was thinking of him. Thinking if he's found another. And it hurts everytime. I believed him when he said he loved me. I believed him when he said he'd come and visit me. I believed him when he said I was all he ever wanted. I believed him when he said he'd come back to me after he's finished dealing with his demons. But he never came back. And I felt stupid. I will say this one last time. I love Joshua more than anything. And I dont think I can love another as much as I love him. First scar's the deepest? Indeed.

Its christmas season. And I had always loved this time around. I dont celebrate christmas but I found out that the decorations made me happy. It also reminds me of my childhoold memory when I was in London. I went to Tim's school coz they had some kind of a party. I was 4. London was new to me. I didnt know english then. My sisters talked me into going to the santa clause. I sat on his lap. He spoke in a language that I could not understand. I cant remember what he said coz I didnt understand english. But I do remember myself nodding at everything he said. More like a respond to his questions tho I didnt understand any of it. So in the end, I think he'd asked me to pick a gift which I did. It was a red colored boomerang. I loved it. It was 14 years ago but I could remember it oh so well. I'll go back someday. One fine day.

Sometimes I blame my mom for all the shitty moments.. And sometimes I blame my dad for not wanting to change. They could change but they dont want to. They could make a difference but they refuse. Now all thats left is what if's.

Correction, the line in the book says,
I loved you more that I did yesterday. And you wouldnt believe how much I loved you yesterday.

I was reading this book called 'Sam's letter to Jennifer' and it was the sweetest book ever. There was this line that says

' I love you more today than yesterday. And you dont know how much I love you yesterday'.

I cried.

Finals are over and done with! That's goodbye to term 2. I should be more serious in term 3.
I dont want to think about my finals anymore. I know I didnt do THAT good. I couldve done better.
Im disappointed. That's just soo Delaila. Study so hard and screw up in the end. Oh well..Its over and done.
Honestly,I thought I'd be in the corner crying when dec 15 comes around. It did come around and I didnt cry.
I did think about it but I did not cry. If I were still with Joshua, we'd be 2 years old now. On the 15th to be specific.
Im glad it came and passed without affecting me that much. It did but not that much.

I'm on vacation for 2 bloody weeks and I have absolutely no idea what to do. I know for a fact that Ice's gone to Awana Kijal coz she just text me. And she's making me jealous. She invited me along but I couldnt go coz I had to attend a wedding.*damn it* What I'd do for 2 bloody weeks!

Tzewa is hospitalised due to bronchitis.(is that how we spell it?) Poor baby. My niece. She's not even 2. Poor baby. Went to visit her yesterday and she was soo happy to see us all! She was jumping and singing.She's our musical box. And I could tell that she was bored coz she kept asking her dad to jalan2.She even ajak balik but she cant.Poor baby meera. Hope she'll get well soon.

I went to Ipoh today. I didnt get the chance to go to Setiawan la James! One fine day I hope. Visited my brother in law's family. The atmosphere was so different compared to my family.They're really close and together unlike my family. We're NOTHING like them. More like a total opposite. Abg Saiful's ( my brother in law) dad passed away on friday. Al fatihah.

Wanna know how I feel right now? Unimportant.
Whatever I do, will never be enough. My efforts will never be appreciated.
Whatever I say, will never matter.Never does.

Term 2 is comin to an end soon.
Term 3, here I come.
Lets just hope I'd pass my exams wit flying colors.
Been studying math for the whole day.Since yesterday.
So,Ive been a bit coockoo lately.

I miss mr hotness.

Wanna know how I feel right now? Unimportant.
Whatever I do, will never be enough. My efforts will never be appreciated.
Whatever I say, will never matter.Never does.

Term 2 is comin to an end soon.
Term 3, here I come.
Lets just hope I'd pass my exams wit flying colors.
Been studying math for the whole day.Since yesterday.
So,Ive been a bit coockoo lately.

I miss mr hotness.

I shouldnt be thinking about Joshua. I shouldnt miss him.
But I do. So much.
He's out there. Somewhere. Leading a life that has nothing to do with me.
He's forgotten all about me. And have I forgotten him?
No. I think about him everyday. He's all that I thought off. All that I can think of.
Maybe he's all that I want/need. But does he feels the same?
Probably not.

I'd like to think that I dont need a guy, but I cant deny the fact that I do.
Sometime I'd get so lonely being on my own. This is something that no fren a heal.
Im not desperate. I really am not. Coz if I am, I'd grab anyone.
But I dont want just anyone. I want Joshua or maybe Mr Hotness.
Still gatal. Being the ever so gatal Delaila.

I regret giving Joshua all of my heart and left none for myself.
Look at what its doing to me. Im broken. Shattered.
Guess he left it in a wooden drawer, and forgotten all about having it.
Can I have my heart back Josh?
I want it back. To move on. To start over. To forget you.
Maybe it is not a wise choice to be frens when you still have strong feelings for each other.
But he wanted to be a fren and he consider me as one of his close frens but he's ignoring me.
It has been more than a month.
In short I hate him when I love him.

That hot mysterious Tourism dude smiled at me! Wow. Im happy.
I was the Restaurant Manager yesterday. I'd like to think I did a good job but I dont know.
Ben screwed me over.As usual.
Today was our last Oenology Class. It was fun.
Mr Hotness remembers my name and said it with a slang.
My heart melted right then and there.
It melts whenever I see Mr Hotness aka Mr Daniel.
Ahahah..Kegatalan.
Soong broke my sister's camera.
Im screwed.It was my fault partly.Haih.Im gonna go bonkers really soon.
In short,Im in LOVE..

Ive been having cough since last week and its getting annoying.
Went to the clinic twice and no improvement.
Haih..its hurting my chest.
And I expect myself to be in a good condition when tuesday arrives.
Coz thats when I'll become the Restaurant Manager and I want to prove
to myself,my parents and frens that Im not a complete whackjob.
Coz it seems to me that no matter how hard I try,
there will be people better than me.
Some dont even study half as hard as I do.
And its frustrating,really.
I work really hard and all I get is average.
How on earth am I going to be the Valedictorian?

At least Ive passed up all my assignments and all I have to do now
is study for my finals which is in less than 2 weeks.
Thats scary.
How time flies.
The last thing I remembered was me,still working in MPH.
Thinking if I'll ever leave MPH and study.
And at this very moment,
I can call myself a college student.
Me, Delaila, Taylor's School of Hosptality student.
Im happy.

Honestly speaking,
I kinda miss working in Mph.
Went to parade just now, and saw everyone that I used to work with.
I miss everything about it.
Most of them left mph, but still.
I dont know how to describe the feeling.
Whenever I go to mph,I wanna work again and yet I dont wanna give up studies.
I came this far.
Oh well..

The cough's killing me.
I havent updated my blog in the longest time,I know.
I dont know what to write anymore.
Life's not that interesting.
Mine specifically.
I'll brag more when I finally have a guy in my life ok?
cheerioz..

I honestly do not see the significant of mathematics equation in life.
Its not making my life any easier.
Making it more complicated.Like I have nothing better to do than math.
I can do assignments you know.
I can study oenology and make Mr Hotness proud.
Damn you Newton.

2 more assignments to pass up. And it has been hellish.
Lack of sleep. Lack of rest. Lack of everything
Im all drained.
And people said college was easy.
Think again.
It is very demanding.
Not only mentally but also physically since we have practical classes.
But I consider myself lucky for studying in Taylor's and be with world's best Chef.
Im learning alot.I hope he knows that Im trying tho Im not the best.

Talk about practical classes, Im the next Restaurant Manager.
Im nervous.Hope I'd do well.

Final's just around the corner.
And I cant seem to understand math.
I can abit better now with Alvin's help.
He's been a great fren.He's like my younger brother.

I have been busy but I cant seem to forget Joshua.
I really2 cant.
Everything here reminds me of him.
It has been almost 11 months.
15 dec is just around the corner.
I think I'll be at the corner,crying when that day comes.

Im in love with Mr Hotness,the untouchable.
He's really something with an X-factor.
But he's really untouchable.
Haih.
Things dont always go my way.
But still,I really2 like the guy.
It'd be cool if we could be frens.
haih..
Think thats gonna happen?
Lets just wait and see..

I have a huge ugly zit!

truly truly miss Joshua. :(

Good old times.Fudge,rindu la wak.

Im in love with the untouchable.

My love is vengeance.

Boohoo..

I find Greek Mythology and Ancient Rome History fascinating.
Doesnt make me a freak right?Who cares?
Their line of clothing was magnificent.
Their determination, courage and loyalty is really admirable.

Had wine tasting class yesterday.
I didnt drink of course but most of my classmates did.
And some came to the extend of getting drunk.
The rest of them were tipsy I guess.
Caryne was drunk.No arguing about that.
She couldnt even walk straight.
Mr Daniel too was tipsy.His eyes were red.
Baby had my drinks.
And she wasnt even tipsy.
Went to pyramid with Ice and Zara after class,
we had tonns of fun.
Girls just wanna have fun and we did.

My name is: Delaila.
I may seem: stuck up, bitchy, etc. etc.
But I'm really: a nice person. Until you piss me off. Or if I don't like you, then maybe I'm a bit mean.
People who know me think I'm: nice. Possibly cool. Well, I'd hope they at least think I'm nice.
If you knew me you'd probably: know some of the things that happened in the past to make me the screwed-up basketcase I am now.
Sometimes I feel: like packing all my stuff and moving to some random area.
My days are pretty: much all the same.
In the morning I: have boring classes.Maybe an exception for Tuesdays.Practical classes can be such a bitch,but I enjoy it.
In school I: am serious.
I like to sleep: a lot.
If I could be doing anything right now I would: be watching Harry Potter.Tough luck,no tickets.
Money is: good. Espeically since it'll be helping me get a hearse at some point in the future (which could be the near future).
One thing I wish I had is: more money.
One thing I have that I wish I didn't is: The low self-esteem of mine.
All you need is: love. I dunno. That just made me think of that song by The Beatles.
All I need is: a hearse.
If I had one wish it would be: that I'd finally find a decent level of happiness in life. It's not working out so well at the moment.
When I look in the mirror I see: a reflection that doesn't match how I see myself. I still see myself as being the slightly overweight (for my height and build, mind you) girl that people didn't talk to.
Love is: suicide. Maybe like playing Russian Roulette.
My body is: seriously fucked up on the inside.
If an angel flew into my window at night I would: wonder what the hell is going on here.
If a demon crashed into my window I would: ask why they didn't just knock at the front door. No need to be ruining the window.
If I could see one person right now it would be: ....... ehh, I don't really know. Ask some other time.
Something I want but I don't really need is: money to order all the clothes I want to order.
Something I need but I don't really want is: A new phone.
I live for: taking over the world. And owning a hearse.
I dare you all to: fill this dumb thing out.
I am afraid of: growing old alone and lonely.And also,failing my tests.Grades are everything to me.
It makes me angry when: people go thru my stuff and ask me questions as if I did something wrong.People rushing me.
I dream about: things that I cannot have in reality.
I daydream about: spending my time with the love of my life.whoever that is.
Random thought of the moment: Don't ever tell your current car that you're getting another vechicle. It will find ways to trash you out.

Had pastry class earlier.
Made peach tart.
Was amazingly good.
Later on,
went to Zara's place to make wine.
It was umm..
interesting.
Really.
But I dont think anyone would want to drink wines after
making one.
It's not as pleasant as the name.
Trust me.
We peeled the grapes to make white wine and removed the seeds of course.
The peeling was ok.
It was the crushing that was even more fun-ner.
Disgusting la.
Ice had a sip of the red wine that we bought for Numchha.
I really cannot see why people would wanna drink something that doesnt smell good?
Gesshhh..

Ba Boom..

I have this stupid song stuck in my head.
It is indeed stupid because the lyrics goes,
'Cantik,menarik,tertarik,kau memang da bomb.'
I mean who would write shits like that?

Da Bomb.Hmph.

Happy.

Wanna know whats making me happy?
Being gatal.
Coming up with a list of guys that I have my eyes on.
Joshua used to make me happy.
He used to make me cry too.

Today,
Zara dared me and Akila to ngorat Affendi.
She wants to see who'll win coz Affendi's in both our list.
Lets just wait and see how that goes.

Akila made up some horrific fantasy bout Mr.Daniel.
She did that just to irritate me of course.
Knowing that I have a mega huge crush on him.
It gave me the creeps.
Saw Chef Patrick in a formal wear the other day.
I was melting honest!
He's just too hot.
Mr Daniel's forever in formal.
He's still hot nonetheless.
Who else is in my list?
Keith!He's the defination of hot!
Inghaw's always in my list.
Maybe not on top of my list,
but in my list all the same.
That mysterious tourism dude is most definately in my list.
He's so gorgeous.

It's true

How You Are In Love

You fall in love quickly and easily. And very often. You tend to give more than take in relationships. You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time. You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change. You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.

How Are You In Love?

Kegatalan

I have alot of things to say actually.
I think Ive forgotten half of it already.

Yesterday,
went to Aza's place.
2 words: GREAT FOOD!
Mashed was great.
I said I missed highschool right?
I think I take that back.
And oh,
I saw a very horrific vid of Seng Chee taken by Min Hsern.
Oh damn..Horrific alrite!
Earlier on,
was pissed at Amrita of course.
She promised that she'd be my guest but when I called her around 1,
she was still at home.
Reuben was waiting.
I had to beg Budi to come.
I had to sweet talk Budi into becoming my guest.
How low was that?
I was desperate.
I did for the marks.
But thanks to Amrita,
I was so menggalabah that I started to forget everything.
I didnt even remember how to hold the service gear!
Oh well.

Today,
I laughed so hard in Oenology class.
It was blardy amusing.
We had this quiz in the class.
Group 3 vs Group 4.
We had to imitate something or someone and our group members had to guest what was it.
They did the more hilarious posts,
that not only us,students laughed,
Mr Daniel too, was trying real hard not to burst out laughing.
But he did esp when Alvin did his 'cute' face.
It was cute alrite!
Mr Daniel was really hot!Well,everyday also hot la that guy.

Oh,I was Chef Patrick today too!
He was wearing a dark blue shirt with a tie and BLAZER.
Oh hotness!
He's so fine..I know Ice agrees.
He's so huggable esp when he's wearing chef uniform.
Oh may I add,
any guy wit chef uniforms are hot.
Chef Tan passed for cute.
Maybe not Chef Bala.
Oh daym..He's so not hot.

I want an eye-candy.
Not just eye-candy that I can just stare.

Highschool

I browsed thru old high school mag last night and I faced reality.
Reality being that I actually missed Highschool.
I missed the people.The ones that I hated or liked.
I wouldnt want it any other way or with any other people.
If I had the chance to turn back time and re-live those treassured moments,I'd pass.
Coz it would not be the same.
I have to admit that I was a nobody in Highschool, but it didnt bothered me at all.
Coz if I were a somebody,everything would be different.
I wouldnt be missing highschool right now.
I'd have to say that I wished I was frenlier then,
but there's nothing I can do now.
So,just be grateful Dee!

Jolly Holiday!

Im so not in the festive mood,that it's amazing.
I realize that it only takes one person to screw up your mood.
And it also takes one person to put a smile on your face.

Would it be selfish of me if I said I want you-know-who to hurt just as much as Im hurting and still remain happy?Coz I want him to be happy and I want him to hurt as well.Am I being selfish?

EID.

People say that you'll have less fun during Eid when you're older.I agree.
This year's Eid was nothing compared to last year's.
I didnt want to go back to T'ganu,but Im glad I did.
I wouldnt want it any other way.

God,this hurts.

Talked to Josh last night.Thought it'd make my day,boy was I wrong.He told me that he fancies some girl he met last year.Last year.He met that girl when he was with me.Oucchh. That hurts.Didnt think it'd hurt this bad.I feel stupid all of a sudden.Here I am,talking about him again in my blog.Seems that he's my fav subject to talk about.And then there's Josh,somewhere in this world,thinking about that girl when a certain someone in malaysia is in love with him.God,I sound so desperate.Maybe I am.Has been almost 9 months.And Im still waiting for him.I should stop waiting.Maybe he's not worth my time.But he has my heart..But he's my one and my only...God,this hurts too damn much...I cant handle this..

Delaila Gemuk

Went to salon and did my hair for 61/2 hours! Bloody hell!My ass dah cramped pon.

My ex-colleague told me that Ive put on weight.She was not the first.I am not happy.

Like I said before,raya is just around the corner.I wish that we dont have to go back to T'ganu.I really dont wanna skip Oenology class.I cant afford to skip that class.The class's too precious.

Ice..damn you Ice..Damn you!!I dengki nihh..

Honesty is the best policy,they say...

I AM: supposed to be sleeping think I'll do that later on.
I WANT: Joshua Carlo Leevanhoek.
I HAVE: to go to the salon in 4 hours and spend 5 hours there.Oh well..
I WISH: I had the chance to say some things I'd really like to say.
I HATE: the fact that I suck in everything that I like.
I MISS: Joshua Carlo Leevanhoek.
I FEAR: God.
I DANCE: very badly, it's just not one of my talents.
I SING: only if no living being can hear me.
I WRITE: poetry that will end up locked away in a box and totally forgotten about.
I CONFUSE: a lot of people, i'm sure; as well as myself sometimes.

Yes or No:

You keep a diary: Not a diary, a journal.
You set your clock a few minutes ahead: It's about 10 minutes fast, I just guessed at what time it was last time I had to reset the clock.
You bite your fingernails: No, I don't.
Take a shower everyday: Of course.
Have a(any) crush(es): The term "crush" sounds so middle-school...... I have an interest in a few people, but right now it's nothing more than that. I don't think any of them would ever have an interest in me.

Favorite:
NUMBER: I've recently taken a liking to the number 9.
COLOR: Dark purple, black, blue-black, wine red.
DAY: Everyday's pretty much the same to me.
MONTH: Doesnt matter.

In the last 24 hours have you:
CRIED?: Nope, I haven't had a reason to
BOUGHT SOMETHING?: Food.
MISSED SOMEONE?: Yeaps.
HUGGED SOMEONE?: Yeaps.
FOUGHT WITH YOUR PARENTS?: Just my mom but then again,thats like everyday routine.
FOUGHT WITH A FRIEND?: Nope.

Would you ever...
Eat a bug?: No.
Would you cheat on your bf/gf?: I'm single, but if I did have a bf, I wouldn't cheat on him. What the hell is the point in saying you want to be in a relationship with someone but you think you have to fuck around with others too?
Run a red light?: Perhaps if I drove an army tank.
Wear makeup in public?: This is a rather pointless question; I already do wear makeup in public.

Have you:
1.Fallen for your best friend?: No, I don't like girls in that way. However, one guy friend I did fall for.
2.made out with a friend?: No..Hell no.
3.been rejected?: I cant even find a decent guy to notice me.
4.been in love?: Still am.
5.used someone?: I could never do that; I'd hate myself too much for doing so.
6.been used?: Been used as a friend too many times.
7.been cool?: I really have no bloody idea.
8.done something you regret? Im only human.

Questions:
1. if you could be anywhere right now, where would you be?: In the Phillipines,I guess.
2. what facial feature do you like most about your boyfriend/girlfriend?: I don't have a boyfriend. I'd have to say eyes though.
3. when did you last have a hickey?: As if I remember.
4. If you can get stuck in the closet with anyone u wish...who would it be? Ooooohh..Definately,Brandon Boyd or Brandon Flowers.
5. If you had to admit one thing what would it be?: Im conservative and damn proud of it!

Fantasy VS Reality.

Reality bites.It really does.When you're in the fantasy world,everything seems perfect.You're happy.There isnt a time that you wouldnt be happy coz you're meant to be happy in the fantasy world.I guess thats why its called fantasy. And when you snap back into reality,you'd feel the burden in life.Things that you wish you'd never have to do or go thru but have to coz hey that's REALITY.

Have you ever done something so bad that you couldnt forgive yourself? Tho that person has forgiven you,you still have that guilty feeling haunting you. It is not a pleasant feeling,if I may add..Bloody hell,because of that,I am the person that I am now.Bleargh..

saya.

Saya sedih.
Saya lonely.
Saya nak Joshua je.
Thanx..

I miss you..

I hate it when Im mean to ppl that actually cares about me.I really do.I dont know why I'd do such a thing.But I do feel bad.Im such a pain in the blardy arse and I hate it.

I just realized that I have a crush on my fren who happens to have a steady gf.Oh dear feelings..Im not gonna confess or something.I wont..That'll be oh such cruelty innit?Guess Im gonna do what I always do,ignore the feeling and it shall be gone soon,I hope.

So many things to say actually but dont know if I have the rights to let it all out.

Put all that aside,back to the reallity where it hurts.

I have to be more serious in studies.I really have to.Its amazing,Ive put so much effort in my studies last term and all I got was average. Disappointing really.I dont know what I did wrong.

Bleargh..Guess Im gonna have to do better..

I miss Joshua.I really do.Never thought I'd be loyal for this long.

Gesshh..You do something to me.

That I cant explain.

Would it out of line if I say,

I miss you?