I just realize that life's hard. Very hard and complicated. What's life without it huh?



I received my very first warning letter on thursday. I didnt go for only 3 classes. 3! Oh well. It was unavoidable. I wouldnt have skipped those classes if I had a choice. My mom's worried that I may not be able to continue. I will.



I was talking to my mom yesterday. I told her that I wanted to move out as soon as Im done with my diploma. To my surprise, she didnt say no. She even taught me how to tell my dad when the time comes. I saw a different side of my mama yesterday.



I went to MPH a few days back and people there called me 'fat'. Whats the defination of 'fat' anyways? Its scary. Why? Its a sensitive issue. I was plum then, that I have to admit. And I lost all that weight. It was not easy. NOT EASY. I had to starve myself to a point where I fainted often. It was dumb. But I didnt have that much patience to exercise and shit. I wanted to lose weight. And I wanted to lose it straight. No matter what. So, I started working. I was doing the crash diet shit and I worked my ass off in MPH. I worked full shift sometimes for a few days. Full shift meaning 13 hours of work per day. I guess I lost the most weight when I was working. I didnt think I was skinny or slim or thin. When I looked in the mirror, I saw a fat girl. That was what my brother used to call me. Not fat. Garfield. So, whenever I looked into the mirror and saw that ugly fat girl, my determination towards dieting raised up. I wanted to lose more weight desperately. Actually, I didnt care if I was 59kg. As long as I looked slim and thin, I was ok. I know. Superficial and cliche. So, people say I was 'kering' when I was working in MPH. I didnt think so. Now that Im studying, Im not that 'kering' anymore. So not 'kering' that the people in MPH called me 'fat'. Not 'berisi' or 'naik badan' or 'put on a bit of weight'. It was 'FAT'. As if they just dropped a bomb on my shoulder. Literally. I dont think Im all that fat. I dont wear XL. I wear an M. Does it make me fat? I dont know.. This is a sensitive issue to me. I have an eating disorder. Where I cant eat till Im full. And IF I did, I'd do the most stupidest thing. You dont wanna know. I guess I'll be satisfied till Im diagnosed with aneroxia. Wait a sec, I am! Mentally. Great. Now that my ex-collegues dropped a bomb on my shoulder, I think I'll avoid rice or anything yummy for a while. Damn those ppl that put me down.



Other than Dean, I dont have crushes on any other malay dudes. I think I'll make an exception to Awal. He's an actor and a host. He hosted 'BEAT TV'. Yeah. God, hotness. Grr.. He's got that killer smile with a great hair. *drool*



Long distance relationship is harder than I thought. Keeping it stabil is even harder. But I trust Dean. And he trusts me. I have no words to describe how much I love him. I love him more today than I did yesterday. And you wouldnt believe how much I loved him yesterday. Dean's not perfect. Thats him. I gotta accept him for who he really is. Im not perfect too. But I believe in fate. If he was born for me, he's not going anywhere..